


Monsters Within

by yeou_bi



Series: Monsters Within [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Childhood Trauma, Death, Exorcisms, Haunting, M/M, Possession, Suicide, Swearing, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:08:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 70,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28598985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeou_bi/pseuds/yeou_bi
Summary: Park Chanyeol can see ghosts and spends his days with his best friend who has long passed away.One day he is approached by Kim Minseok, an exorcist who tries to help him.
Relationships: Kim Minseok | Xiumin/Park Chanyeol
Series: Monsters Within [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2110074
Comments: 11
Kudos: 10





	1. haunting and possessing

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this outside AO3 in 2018/2019, so if it feels familiar, that's probably why.

\- someone like you -

"I heard they're going to assign someone to you," Baekhyun said one evening while he walked next to Chanyeol on his way home. As usual, his feet didn't touch the ground and as usual, he half-heartedly attempted to move out of the way of other pedestrians. When Chanyeol barely avoided to bump straight into a bulky guy in a suit, Baekhyun stepped right through the man. Chanyeol threw him a quick glance as he continued his way through the crowd as if he was no different from all the regular people around.  
"I mean," Baekhyun continued and moved a little closer so that his voice seemed to echo in Chanyeol's head. He knew how much Chanyeol hated him doing that but he also hated to be ignored. "I told you not to talk to the guy the other day. There are things you're not supposed to meddle with, you know. It's against the natural course of the world and stuff."  
In response Chanyeol only rolled his eyes. He really wanted to argue but as long as there were literally thousands of witnesses around him, he could only bite back his words. Maybe he shouldn't have told the guy who had come into the bike shop that one day to get a full medical check-up. Without him the guy maybe wouldn't have realized that he had prostate cancer and wouldn't have ended up stabbing the mother of two little children in an attempt to break into her house. Rather than to hang himself in custody, he maybe would have died a slightly less tragic death. Either way, Chanyeol knew he had not really helped him. If anything, he had only made it worse than it might have been under other cirumstances. But he also didn't think it was fair for Baekhyun of all people to blame him. Chanyeol would have never understood what exactly had been wrong with the guy in the bike shop, if not for Baekhyun gasping, 'Oh, damn, now that is what I call terminally ill.'  
"So, I guess they want someone to keep and eye on you," Baekhyun yelled when they walked around the corner to the bus stop and when Chanyeol started dashing off upon realizing that his bus was about to depart without him.  
"It's probably going to be someone more like you," Baekhyun said when he reached Chanyeol who bent backwards to take a deep breath after he had hit the back door of the bus while running like an idiot. Of course the bus driver had not stopped for him. Bus drivers were assholes.  
Chanyeol let out a deep sigh and let his gaze wander around them. The only other people at the bus stop were a boy in a school uniform with massive headphones and an elderly lady who probably couldn't hear well. He took another step away from them, just to make sure, and then stared at a billboard on the opposite side of the street when he hissed, "Where did you even hear that?"  
Baekhyun grinned while he attempted to block his view. "I do have my own network of informants."  
Chanyeol looked down at him and snorted in amusement. There were times when he felt as though Baekhyun was better informed about the world than him despite not being able to use the internet. Whenever he disappeared for the day to let Chanyeol work in the shop, he came back with all kinds of gossip, most of which was worse than watching celebrity news on TV. But exactly that was what bothered him a little. Baekhyun's normal gossip was never about them and although Chanyeol had got warnings before, he had never believed that people like Baekyun really cared that much about him. His actions rarely had grave consequences because his main goal in life was to appear as normal as possible.  
"Someone more like me," Chanyeol finally whispered in thought and took out his phone to scroll through his latest texts. "What's that supposed to mean anyway?" he asked while he wrote a reply to his mother who had asked when he was going to be home for dinner. They supposedly had a guest.  
In front of him Baekhyun gave him a strangely listless glance and then turned towards the street so that Chanyeol's gaze unwillingly followed him. It had been ten years now and they both knew how they were different but Baehyun still refused to put it into words. Of course Chanyeol knew what 'a person like him' was like. A person like him was someone alive who could see people who were not. But that wasn't really his question. The question was what kind of living person could be sent to keep an eye on him. What kind of living person was employed by the dead? So far all the warnings had come from ghosts.  
"Well," Baekhyun eventually shrugged and for a moment Chanyeol thought that he was going to change the topic. "Apparently, exorcism is still a thing," he said in a strange tone that made shivers run down Chanyeol's spine. Those like Baekhyun sometimes had the ability to chill the air around them.  
Chanyeol blinked. "What, they're going to send an exorcist?" he asked louder than intended and the elderly lady threw him a nervous side glance. He took another step away from her and quickly whispered, "I'm not possessed. They know that, right? You're haunting me. You're not possessing me."  
Rather than to immediately respond, Baekyhun let out an indignated noise. Baekhyun himself didn't think of it as haunting. He only, as he liked to phrase it, hung out with an old friend, so he clicked his tongue before he said, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure they know the difference. And well, I don't know. I only heard rumors anyway. Maybe they want to hire you."  
"I can't be an exorcist," Chanyeol muttered. Just the thought was ridiculous. To him possessions were something he had only seen on TV. Women who went to see shamans to talk to their dead husband and then the shaman summoned the spirit and became possesssed for a little while. Or children who were possessed by demons and spoke in tongues and hung upside down on the ceiling. He had never really thought about it as real. But hauntings were not supposed to be real either.  
"Yeah, well, I'm not asking you to be one," Baekhyun said meekly. "I only thought I should warn you."  
"Well, shit," Chanyeol said and only registered that his bus arrived when the elderly lady cleared her throat in offence as she walked by him.

\- someone like them -

"I heard you're getting a trainee, hyung," Jongdae said and took a sip of his hot latte. When he accidentally burned his tongue and then nearly spilled the latte over his new sneakers, he swore under his breath and nearly lost Minseok in the crowd. Of course this was in part due to the fact that Minseok wasn't very skilled at dealing with other human beings in general, but Jongdae also knew that Minseok had always avoided to share his knowledge. In the Office there were four summoners and although Minseok arguably was the most skilled one left, he had always passed new recruits on to Junmyeon. And while it was true that Junmyeon had managed to train Jongdae and Yixing to become somewhat skilled summoners, he had also recently scared off one very talented recruit and in the end none of them had ever learned all the tricks Minseok could do. It had always only been a question of time until their higher-ups would force Minseok to finally act up.  
"Have they already told you who it is? Is it another guy?" Jongdae asked Minseok when they stepped into the elevator.  
"I think it's a guy," Minseok said in his thin voice and fumbled with the lid of his hot chocolate. It was the first thing he had said to Jongdae since they had greeted each other in the subway twenty minutes earlier. Between then and now Minseok had only spoken to the lady in the coffee shop around the corner.  
"Haven't they briefed you yet?" Jongdae asked and Minseok half shrugged, half shook his head. He obviously knew more than he let on, but Jongdae knew not to push him. So he only nodded and looked at his feet. He really shouldn't have bought white sneakers. They already looked slightly greyish. "It would be really nice if they could bring in a girl for once," he then said in an exasperated tone.  
Minseok was nice enough to give a quiet chuckle.

"I heard it's someone they've kept an eye on for a while," Junmyeon said while he prepared himself a pot of tea that came in an incredily expensive-looking box. He was the kind of person who was so used to wealth that he was suprised whenever someone deduced that his family probably was rich. One cup of his tea and his fine leather shoes were probably worth more than Jongdae's life. In their small office kitchen he looked like a king who had accidentally walked into his servants' quarters.  
"But they didn't recruit him?" Jongdae asked.  
"Well," Junmyeon said while he poured hot water into his pot and wrinkled his forehead in concentration. When he finished, he continued, "Apparently they thought of doing that but then they decided that it was too much of a risk. He seems to have a companion."  
"Huh," Jongdae said and put his hands in his pockets. It wasn't rare to be followed by a ghost or to be attached to one. After all, most people like them only were in this business because they had been unable to deal with someone's death. Jongdae himself had seen his brother's ghost for almost a year until the people from the Office had approached him. Still, it was rare that someone kept a companion. He wondered what kind of ghost the companion was but knew that, even if Junmyeon had known more about it, he probably wouldn't have told him. These things were private. No one wanted to talk about the reason why they saw ghosts because just by definition it would have been a traumatic one.  
"So why recruit him now?" Jongdae then asked. "Has the companion disappeared?"  
"I don't think so," Junmyeon said and folded his arms in front of his chest while he leaned against the kitchen counter. He clearly was in the mood to talk and seemed relieved that for once he wasn't the one who had to jump in and save someone. "You see, I have heard about him every now and then ever since I started working here and he seems to be a really peculiar case. He has been given several warnings and Minseok-hyung was told to watch him before, but I don't think he was ever supposed to make contact. They probably would have just left them alone but a while ago the guy seemed to have done something that caused a bit of an issue."  
"An issue?" Jongdae frowned.  
"I don't know the details," Junmyeon said in the voice of someone who normally knew all the details and found it hard to comprehend that he now didn't. "But apparently it was major enough for them to understand that they can't keep him unsupervised any longer. I don't think they really know what to do with him yet though. With the companion by his side, he probably can't work as a summoner."  
"Right, that probably wouldn't work," Jongdae nodded and scratched his neck. Not every ghost was a cloud of half-remembered moments. Some of them were capable of thoughts and of making decisions. He knew that because, after all, they worked for ghosts and with ghosts and against ghosts. But the ghosts in the Office were not young like the one around the new recruit. "So what's Minseok-hyung supposed to do?" he asked and Junmyeon shrugged a little too quickly.  
"Assess the situation and act accordingly, probably," Junmyeon said vaguely as he took his tea pot and a tiny cup and attempted to leave the kitchen.  
"No wonder they're sending him then," Jongdae noted. "I thought they simply wanted to involve him more but I guess in this case they had no choice but to send him."  
It was only when Junmyeon let out a strange noise of apprehension as walked back to his desk, that Jongdae realized that he had probably made a thoughtless comment. They all had limitations in comparison to Minseok who seemed to have spent the greatest part of his life as part of the Office. Minseok was a hurdle none of them could ever jump and they all knew that. But none of them tried as hard as Junmyeon.  
Junmyeon, the one who trained new recruits and arranged duties and watered the plants and bought snacks and who studied Latin and Chinese in order to read more of the ancient texts.  
Junmyeon, the one who was always just the number two because whenever there was a real challenge to master, the higher-ups chose Minseok. 

\- someone like her -

"I heard she has a degree in modern art from one of those fancy American universities," Yura said and threw a grape at her brother when she noticed that he started to space out again. He immediately snapped out of it with a strange expression, as if he was afraid that she had seen something she wasn't supposed to see. Yura honestly wondered what it was Chanyeol saw in his imagination sometimes.  
"Yeah?" he then asked in a deliberately disinterested tone and continued to put the dirty dinner plates in the dishwasher. "Which one?"  
"No idea," Yura shrugged while she picked up the grape upon realizing that her brother was not going to bother. "Somewhere in California I guess? Surprisingly enough, our neighborhood gossip didn't go into that much detail."  
"America is big," Chanyeol noted as he closed the dishwasher and wiped his hands on his jeans like a child. "So what now?" He looked at her expectantly and obviously wanted to change the topic to their task at hand. Chanyeol never wanted to help with any kind of housework but after the charming dinner with their old neighbor's daughter Saebyul, he had insisted on clearing the table while his parents sat with her in the living to talk about the good old times. It was odd.  
"Didn't you date her?" Yura asked and apparently startled him enough that he choked on his breath and had to hold onto the kitchen counter behind him like a drowning man.  
"Is that what this is about?" he asked in a strangled voice but didn't answer her question.  
For a moment she just frowned at him with her hands on her hips. Then, she said, "Look, I know for a fact that you dated. Just like how I know that you spent days moping around when her family moved away. What I don't understand is why you suddenly act as if it physically hurts you to talk to her."  
For a second he fixated a spot to his left. It was a nervous tick he had developed as a teenager and she would have lied if she had pretended not to be worried about it every single time. When Saebyul's family had emigrated to America, she and Chanyeol had been fifteen or sixteen. Back then he had been a different person.  
"When was the last time you dated anyone anyway?" she asked and although she meant it in a joking manner, she knew how accusatory she probably sounded.  
In return Chanyeol only shrugged and she sighed. For all she knew, Saebyul had been the last of his girlfriends. She had been so lucky to meet him in that period of his life when he had actually been sociable. By now, he either hid in his room or in the shop where he sold and repaired bicycles without any real aim in life. He had no friends, no money, no career and no one to talk to but his family. And as long as he stayed that way, Yura found herself unable to finally leave her parents' house and move on with her life. Because of him she had refused a job proposal and had watched a loved one leave her behind.  
But rather than to tell her brother that, she put the grapes on a plate and picked up an apple to peel. "Let's prepare the fruit," she said more to herself than to him. He watched her impassively and she knew that he was spacing out again.  
Maybe she had been too naive. When her mother had told her that Kim Saebyul had come back to visit her relatives who still lived in the area, she had insisted on inviting her for dinner because part of her had hoped that maybe it would bring back the person her brother had been.

\- someone like me -

'We heard that the companion is highly visible, even for those like you. Go to the school and you probably will not find it hard to spot him.'  
Those were the first orders Minseok had received concerning Park Chanyeol almost ten years earlier. He had been eighteen then and had approached the school in his own black school uniform. At first he had considered stealing one of the blue and grey uniforms to better blend it, but after waiting in front of the school for a little while, he had spotted the two easily enough. To a regular summoner they probably would have both appeared to be human. The companion had almost seemed alive then.  
"What is your assessment?" one of the Nameless Ones had asked as it had appeared next to him while he followed the boy and the companion.  
"They seem stable," he had said because he had not known how to phrase it. A ghost who seemed as solid as the companion normally leeched off a host. But the boy hadn't seemed sick or weak. They had both looked like regular students.  
"Your suggestion?" the Nameless One had asked in a voice like a storm at night.  
"Recruit him. Get rid of the companion," he had said and the Nameless One had let out a noise that had sounded like laughter.  
"Your reason?" it had asked in a curious tone.  
Minseok had looked at it in puzzlement because he had not understood why they would have brought him if not to recruit the boy.  
"I'm not sure you should leave him like this," he had said.

In the years after that he had been asked multiple times to check on Park Chanyeol and at first, he had naively believed them to be genuinely worried about the boy.  
But every time that Minseok was asked to make an assessment it was the same. Park Chanyeol finished high school and went to university and started to work full-time in a bike repair shop and the companion was always with him. Over the years the companion had faded out a little but it never stopped looking like a regular student in a crisp school uniform. There were no fizzled out edges, no hazy details, no unnatural shapes. And Park Chanyeol himself, too, seemed normal and healthy enough.  
So whenever Minseok was asked, he said, "They look stable." Because they did. To the untrained eye they probably looked like the ideal case of a companionship.  
But still, his suggestion never changed either.  
"Recruit him. Get rid of the companion," he said time and time again, but no one ever did anything and it took him a while to understand why.  
Park Chanyeol was a case study to them. Once in a while they sent him a Nameless One to make sure that he stayed in line and didn't misuse his powers, but they never really interferred. No one from the Office approached the companion either to make sure that they both knew as little as possible. They wanted Park Chanyeol to think that he was a special case. They wanted to see how far he could push himself before either he broke down or before the companion changed.  
It worried Minseok for years because to him the situation had always looked like the calm before a storm. He knew that ghosts didn't simply live off the power of friendship. Something drove the companion, something that made him stay clear and that did not interfere with his hosts health. Whatever it was however, Minseok didn't believe that it would not affect the host at all.

And then Park Chanyeol changed a life.  
And it wasn't a big issue, not to them. A man died earlier than he should have and someone else got hurt, but they still did not see a reason to interfere.  
But this time Minseok couldn't continue to look the other way.  
"Let me recruit him," he said.  
"Recruit the boy, get rid of the companion?" they asked in an amused tone like waves slowly rolling into shore.  
"Recruit the boy and figure out what to do with the companion," he said and tried to keep his voice stable. After years of working for them, he still feared the voices and he knew that he probably couldn't reason with them. But he was not asking for permission this time.  
"I will talk to him even if you won't let me," he continued and tightened his grip on his folded hands behind his back to stop them from shaking. They didn't say anything but he felt surrounded by waves crashing into rocks. "He probaby thinks he killed someone."  
"He didn't," the voices whispered.  
"I know," Minseok said a little to quickly, like an impatient child. "I know that," he repeated and looked at the floor as if there was an logical reasoning written there. He rarely tried to explain himself. Normally he simply did what he was told. "But I doubt he does. And he was left alone with a ghost for years now and well, he looks stable but..."  
"But?" they asked.  
"But," he said once more and pressed his lips together before he continued, "But we never got close enough to ask him whether he really is okay."  
There was a long sigh like the distant sound of the open sea.  
"You won't be stopped?" they asked.  
And he hesitated because he wasn't used to making his own decisions. But then he said, "You would have to kill me to stop me." Even to him his voice sounded unusually cold.

So he then found himself in front of the bike repair shop one morning with no clear idea how to proceed. Recruiting was not his forte but he could hardly ask Junmyeon to do what he himself had threatened to do.  
He took a deep breath before he finally opened the door he had walked past dozens of times and was met with a metallic smell. A small bell rang above him and behind the counter at the far end Park Chanyeol looked up while he spoke on the phone to someone.  
"Well, if you bring it here today, we can probably repair it by tomorrow," Park Chanyeol said and gave Minseok a quick smile to signal that he had seen him. "I think we have all the necessary parts."  
Minseok looked around. Now that he was inside, he realized just how many bikes there really were inside the shop. They hung on the walls and stood in rows and made him feel strangely claustrophobic because they made the room small and crowded. What he didn't see was the companion but he felt its presence lingering.  
Then he suddenly felt coldness creeping up behind him and his heart skipped a beat when the companion appeared in front of him after passing right through him. He must have come from outside and didn't even look around. With a voice that sounded both human and like the rustling of leaves he announced, "Chanyeol, you have a customer."  
Park Chanyeol looked at the companion for a split second and then pretended not to notice him as he came closer while he continued his call. The companion bent over the counter to look at his scribbled notes but then seemed to get bored when Park Chanyeol didn't acknowledge his presence. It probably was the same spiel they had kept on for years. With others around, Park Chanyeol couldn't react.  
"Well, sir, we will be able to assist you shortly," the companion said loudly as he turned around and behind him Park Chanyeol put his hand over his ear in annoyance. The companion put the corners of his mouth up in a corny smile as he mustered Minseok and then frowned when he seemed to notice something.  
"I can wait," Minseok smiled and the companion's eyes widened.  
"Oh, shit," he said and moved further to the right. When Minseok's gaze remained fixated on him, he muttered, "You're the fucking exorcist."


	2. hopes and fears

\- the impossibility of wonders -

At some point in his life Yixing had stopped being amazed easily. As a child he had looked at circus artists and rainbows and the uncle in his neighborhood who had made the world's thinnest noodles by shaking dough a thousand times, and he had been completely blown away. Every lightning bolt ripping apart a yellow sky during the rainy season, every loaf of bread that started wet and flat and turned big and fluffy, every magic trick done by his father, everything that his mother did to her hair that made her look like a completely different person, everything had been a wonder to him.  
Ghosts had amazed him, too, at first. But with his amazement had come fear, incredible fear, and once the fear had passed, nothing but indifference had remained. The fear had swept every other feeling away.   
There were times when it made him feel hollow and oddly incomplete. He looked at rainbows and magicians and tried to remember the feeling but couldn't. Like ghosts that had forgotten who they once had been, his memories were nothing but shadows in his mind.  
He probably would have worried about losing his humanity. The living and the dead were nothing but unvarying entities. The haunting and the haunted, the possessed and the possessing, in the end they were almost always the same. Most ghosts faded into oblivion, some clung to revenge, others simply wanted to live again. In the end they all tended to have similar motivations and it often grew tedious.  
But then, sometimes, Yixing still encountered strange things that made him feel awe. A mother who had died when their daughter was young and who disappeared on her wedding day. A cat possessing the new cat of its owner. A ghost who had managed to multiply so that he could play mahjong against himself. A husband possessing a man who looked similar to him and who remarried and then divorced his former wife to find closure.   
Minseok who killed a ghost.

Killing ghosts had never been an option, at least not according to what Junmyeon had taught Yixing. Mostly they talked to them, convinced them, healed them, made them go to nirvana out of their own free will. "We're here to help them," Junmyeon had explained in a way that had made it obvious that he really did feel compassion for them. "They all used to be living, breathing people but then they lost their way. I don't think we can really blame them."  
Of course not every ghost was willing, no matter how patient they were with them. Some clung so much to the idea that they had found a way to cheat death that they refused to leave the hosts they possessed. But even then, they, the summoners, didn't kill them. They drove them out because nothing else even seemed possible. Ghosts were by definition dead. They were manifestations of souls and there was only one place they were supposed to be able to disappear to. Whatever nirvana really was, Yixing simply knew that it was where they went because he always felt the same overwhelming warmth when they finally let go.  
But then there had been the soldier that Junmyeon had been unable to deal with by himself. The soldier had drifted from one low-life to the next, always hurting others, sometimes killing them, and when he had reached Seoul in the body of a Chinese sailor, he had already completely lost himself. There had been nothing left but the wish to destroy and when Yixing had stood in front of the man with Junmyeon and Minseok he had genuinely been afraid. Ghosts couldn't harm him. He had told himself that over and over again. Ghosts couldn't harm him, they couldn't harm him. But somehow he had been sure that the soldier probably could.  
Afterwards he couldn't fully recall exactly what had happened. There had been screaming and Junmyeon had been thrown backwards by brute force and there had been blood and coldness that had seeped into Yixing's bones in icy waves. And then Minseok had been at the soldiers chest with growls like an animal and had ripped pieces out of it that had looked like spider webs in the morning dew. When it had happened, Yixing had not comprehended what he had seen but he had felt pure horror. Minseok had pushed the soldier away from him after a while and had tumbled backwards as if drunk. Something had changed, as if suddenly all the noises of the world had been turned off. Minseok had dropped to his knees, panting, and Yixing had heard his own ragged breathing but apart from that there had been nothing. No warmth of nirvana. But also no feeling of hatred and loneliness and rage that filled the air.  
It had taken Yixing a while to understand because he had been faced with what was supposed to be an impossibility. Ghosts couldn't be killed. They could push them and sway them and lure them away but they could not even touch them. To touch ghosts was not supposed to be a possibility because the mere thought was implausible.  
And yet, somehow, Minseok had ripped a ghost apart, and for the first time in years Yixing had felt that there still were wonders left in the world. Wonders as terrifying as the haunted tales in his childhood that had made him hide under his blanket at night.

Minseok was a mystery none of them could solve, but although Yixing couldn't deny that he was scared of him at times, he appreciated him for exactly that. Minseok's mere existence made him realize that there still were endless possibilities left in the world. Minseok wasn't like him or Junmyeon or Jongdae, but he wasn't like the voices either. He was neither all-knowing and ethereal, nor was he good at acting like a regular human. Minseok had the power to break conventions but Yixing also understood why he was never asked to teach anything to anyone. No one could do what Minseok did, so how could he have taught them?   
So when Jongdae suddenly told him one day that Minseok was supposed to approach a potential recruit who had a companion, Yixing naturally was intrigued. There mere fact that Minseok was supposed to deal with him, probably meant that the new recruit, too, had the power to bend the rules.  
The problem was that, although Minseok was a skilled summoner, he was awful whenever it was about ordinary human interaction. 

"Hyung," Jongdae yelled excitedly when he and Yixing entered the office after coming back from their respective neighborhood rounds and found Minseok with his head on his desk. "Minseok-hyung," Jongdae specified when there was no reaction and Minseok lifted his head a little to look at him expressionlessly.  
"You met the new one today, right?" Jongdae asked and Minseok let out a sigh as he fully sat up and rubbed his face. Yixing meanwhile looked at Junmyeon who watched them from his desk with a resigned expression.  
When Minseok didn't reply and started to stare at the ceiling instead, Jongdae burst out into laughter. "Something tells me that it didn't go as planned," he noted.  
"Just leave him, Jongdae," Junmyeon said in his usual fatherly tone. It was strange to hear it applied to Minseok because Minseok rarely failed.  
"What happened?" Jongdae asked and clearly chose to ignore Junmyeon as he threw his bag on his desk and rolled over his chair to sit next to Minseok. "Did you threaten to kick the companion all the way into nirvana if the new one was not going to listen?"  
Minseok pulled a grimace in response and Junmyeon gasped, "Jongdae!"  
"Why?" Jongdae asked defiantly and folded his arms in front of his chest as he squinted at Junmyeon. "We all know that he could probably do that. I tagged along for one of his summonings and he barely tried to do all the stuff you told us. Talk to the ghost and be friendly or whatever. He was immediately down to business." He clapped his hand in effect and said in a bad mimickry of Minseok's voice, "Leave now or I'll make you leave, man."  
Next to him Minseok winced and Yixing unwillingly chuckled because in the end that probably was more or less what had happened. Minseok, being Minseok, must have been so eager to explain all the facts and dangers of having a companion that he had forgotten to be empathetic about it. The companion, being a ghost, would have felt threatened and would have acted up and Minseok, being Minseok, would have done that trick that could force ghosts to shut up for a little while, like a radio with the volume turned down. Obviously the recruit, being the one who was emotionally attached to his companion, would then have told Minseok to scamper off.  
"So it didn't go well after all?" Yixing asked and Minseok gave him an unusually defeated look.  
"It didn't," he nodded and folded his hands on the desk. "At all."  
"Damn," Jongdae said and sounded genuinely disappointed. After all, Jongdae was probably the one who had been the most excited at the prospect of Minseok training anyone. Jongdae had only been with them for a year now, so he had not hit the point yet where he felt that he had fully reached his potential. Minseok meant untapped knowledge to him and a new recruit, someone who would naturally be below Jongdae in rank, was a chance to learn some of the things only Minseok could do.   
"Do you want me to speak to him?" Junmyeon asked with a concerned frown. "Maybe I can-."  
"No," Minseok interrupted him bruskly and then let out a frustrated noise while he ruffled his hair. "No, I mean," Minseok began and then trailed off. Yixing could not remember to ever see him so obviously troubled. "I'm supposed to do this myself. I already made the first contact, so if someone else appears in front of him now..."  
"We'd probably look like a sect," Jongdae nodded and spun his chair to face the window in thought. "What to do then? It's not like we can change your personality."  
"Jongdae!" Junmyeon sighed and shook his head.   
"What?" Jongdae asked and it took him a second but then it dawned to him. "Well, I mean, let's be honest here, I like Minseok-hyung but it took two months until I even dared to ask him a question."  
In return Minseok let his forehead hit his desk once more with a loud bang while making a strangled noise.  
"Oh, shit, don't do that," Jongdae quickly muttered under his breath and awkwardly lifted his hand as if he considered patting Minseok's back in consolation. The whole situation was strange because Minseok normally wasn't distressed like this. "Hyung, look, I'm just saying, or rather, I'm not saying that you're a bad person or anything, but I think we can all agree that you're not very approachable." He managed to pat Minseok's shoulder once and then quickly backed off.  
For a moment none of them said a word. Junmyeon threw Yixing a worried glance, Jongdae looked over to them helplessly and Minseok remained flat on the desk.  
Then, after a long pause, Minseok's muffled voice asked, "What am I supposed to do now?" He lifted his head again but still stared straight down. "How do I make someone...?"  
He didn't finish the question, so Jongdae helpfully added, "Like you?"  
"Listen to me," Minseok said instead.  
Jongdae frowned at him as if he tried hard to think of an answer. It was not a question someone like Jongdae ever asked. He didn't have to wonder how to make people listen because they already did.  
"Listen to them first," Junmyeon suggested and immediately sounded like the teacher he usually was. It was in that tone that he had taught Yixing everything he knew. "Most people are desperate to have someone listen to them. So listen to them first. And then they will probably listen to you."   
At first Minseok didn't seem to react but then he turned around with a puzzled expression, as if Junmyeon had explained the meaning of life to him but he simply couldn't grasp the concept  
"And if that doesn't work you can still kick the ghost into nirvana," Jongdae said thougtlessly and burst out laughing when Minseok looked at him as though the joke caused him physical pain.

"Weird though, isn't it?" Jongdae asked and looked at Yixing in the restroom mirror while he attempted to flatten the hair on one side of his head.  
"Hm?" Yixing only asked in return as he washed off the soap that eerily reminded him of the antiseptic smell of hospitals. He wished the cleaning personnel would simply buy normal soap with a normal, more pleasant smell.  
"To see that Minseok-hyung is human like us," Jongdae explained and Yixing smiled. But then he felt the smile die down on his face and noticed that Jongdae only meant it half-jokingly, too. It certainly was weird in a way.  
"Because, you see," Jongdae continued in an usually earnest tone. "I don't think Minseok-hyung would care if that recruit was just a regular guy. He would probably hand him over to Junmyeon-hyung after all. Which makes me wonder if there maybe is something they're not telling us."  
"Like what?" Yixing asked but knew what Jongdae meant. Unlike him he had already suspected before that the recruit probably wasn't quite like them and probably more like Minseok. But still, that did not fully explain why Minseok would have been so emotional about it. Not being used to failure couldn't be the sole reason.  
"No idea," Jongdae shrugged. "I mean, it's probably just my imagination anyway but, I don't know, it makes me a little uneasy."

\- invisible sound -

Baekhyun could hear things that he knew Chanyeol couldn't. Things that he knew he himself had not heard as a child. He would have heard the TV in the living room and the gurgling of pipes and Yura loudly talking in her room and the rain lightly pattering against the window. He probably would have thought of it as a quiet evening, just like Chanyeol who lay on his back and stared at the small piece of paper he held in his stretched out hand in front of him.  
But Baekhyun heard more. He heard Chanyeol's mother whispering to his father. He heard how Yura tapped her finger against the back of her phone. He heard the couple arguing two doors away and the cat hiding under Chanyeol's father's car and the man who ran through the rain to reach his house and the thousands of half-forgotten ghosts that swarmed the air like tiny insects in summer. Rainy days meant ghost soup and he tried to think of it as funny, but the sound only made him restless. Because he heard too much. He could hear that Chanyeol's pulse was a little bit higher than normal. It had been that way all day. In the shop and in the bus and as he stepped in a puddle because he had been too much in thought and during dinner and now that he stared at the crumpled paper he had stuffed into his pocket hours ago, pretending not to care but obviously caring. He had fiddled with it for hours. For hours the sound of paper had come from his pocket and it drove Baekhyun mad.  
So he said, "You're not seriously thinking about calling that guy." It wasn't a question because he didn't want it to be one.   
Chanyeol looked over to him and let his hand drop down to his chest, careful not to crumple the paper even further. "Why not?" he asked in a deliberately indifferent voice but the beating of his heart betrayed him.  
"Well," Baekhyun said and put his hand on Chanyeol's desk as if it could anker him. Lately he often found himself floating when he didn't pay attention but he carefully made sure to appear like a regular guy. He was just a regular guy who sat at his friend's desk and had a regular conversation. "First of all, he's an exorcist," Baekhyun said and put up the index finger of his free hand.  
"Right," Chanyeol nodded but didn't seem convinced.  
"Second of all," Baekhyun said and added his middle finger. "He's an exorcist."  
This time Chanyeol put on a grimace and shook his head as he rolled on his side to face the wall.  
"And my third point is," Baekhyun continued while he put up his thumb. "Did I already mention that he is a fucking exorcist?"  
Chanyeol rolled back to now look at Baekhyun with an exasperated face. "I feel like you're running out of arguments."  
"Also," Baekhyun said and waved the four fingers of his left hand at Chanyeol. "He was rude."  
Chanyeol seemed to consider that for a second and then grinned, "He certainly was." He rolled back in his back and fumbled with the edge of the paper. It sounded like sirens to Baekhyun.  
"It's just," Chanyeol said and sounded distant. "I mean, what are our options anyway? You said that they want to keep an eye on me either way, whoever they even are. And they probably won't get discouraged just because we scared off the first guy. If I was them, I'd just send someone bigger and scarier who grabs me by the collar and tells me to stop fucking up." He playfully mimicked being strangled and shot Baekhyun a grin. But then his expression immediately became dark again. It wasn't hard to figure out what went on inside his head. He thought about the woman who was in hospital because of the man with cancer.  
"I just think that maybe," Chanyeol then continued. "Maybe, if we have to talk to one of them anyway, we should just talk to that first guy. He looked harmless enough. I think it would just get worse if we try to stall time."  
Baekhyun didn't say anything because he disagreed but did not want to show it. He did not know much about the Office or their exorcists although he had spoken to hundreds of ghosts over the years. Somehow they had always remained elusive, like a half-remembered dream. What he did know was how much the exorcist had scared him and he wasn't sure whether they had an option that was even worse.   
The exorcist had not looked terrifying but to Baekhyun he had been nothing but. He had appeared out of nowhere and the more Baekhyun thought about it, the more he felt as though he had sensed his presence before, like a gap in reality out of which he had crawled like a cloud of sheer nothingness . The exorcist had gone from being nobody to blaring like a scream in the middle of the night. With a flick of his hand Baekhyun had become unable to speak and he knew that, if he had tried to fight back, he could have completely lost himself.  
Baekhyun did not want to imagine anyone worse than that because the exorcist already was a nightmare come to life.  
"I don't know," Baekhyun then just said lamely because he felt foolish. "I just think that he knows shit."  
Chanyeol let out a toneless laugh. "Maybe," he said. "But if we talk to him, he maybe sees that we're okay." He didn't look at Baekhyun while he uttered those words.  
"We are okay," Baekhyun agreed. It wasn't a question but he still hoped for another confirmation.   
Instead, Chanyeol flicked the edge of the piece of paper and then held it in front of his eyes once more. And the room was again filled with sounds Baekhyun didn't want to pay attention to. Ghosts whispering in the dark and Yura rubbing her neck and the cat under the car meowing when a woman with an umbrella walked by and the wind howling and the rain splashing and the world moving and Chanyeol finger's brushing against the fabric of his jeans when he couldn't decide whether to take out his phone or not.  
And Baekhyun wanted it to stop because he heard things, he heard everything and he needed to hear them to remind himself that he would have to pull himself together. He couldn't allow himself to float away and become part of the ghost soup outside.


	3. hesitant touches

\- the forgotten -

Saeybul had only been in Korea for two weeks and already hated it. And the more she thought about it, the more she looked inside herself to find the reason, the less she really understood it. It had been ten years since her family had moved away to America, ten years during which she had only come back to visit a handful of times, ten years in which she had craved Korean food that was not cooked by her mother and in which she had missed her friends and constantly felt like an outsider. No matter how much her English improved, her Korean accent never quite disappeared and no matter how much she tried to become part of this new society she was stuck in, deep down she always knew that she would never be American. She would always be Korean.  
But then she tried to go back to Korea for good and it made her realize that, although she had believed herself to still be the same person who had left, she had changed. No one expected her to come back. Old friends had families and jobs and responsibilies and barely any time for her. Some listened to her adventures in America as if they were a random movie plot they would quickly forget about because it was not connected to their own lives.  
After exactly two weeks then, when she had shown some of her work to an old friend who owned a gallery in central Seoul and when he had nodded at it and told her that Americans sure had a different taste, she had finally understood. She could not simply resume her old life. Too much time had passed and no one wanted her to come back. No one really cared that much.  
In the end, she was neither quite American nor Korean, like a science experiment gone wrong.

And then, like a sign of doom, she had met Chanyeol as he stood in front of a convenience store and gulped down a can of beer. It was such a comically bizarre situation. A week earlier she had sat in his family's kitchen and had eaten hot pot while he had acted like a complete stranger who was not in the least interested in her presence. Ten years earlier he had held her hand at the airport and told her over and over again that he would call her every day, no matter how much it was going to cost and that he was going to save money so that he could visit her. Eleven years earlier they had kissed behind the school for the first time on a warm day in spring. And the ten years before that they had played pranks on each other and teased each other and walked to school together. He had copied her homework and she had always wanted to be like his sister because she had no siblings of her own.  
She had thought that all their history was a thing of the past, just like everything else she had left behind in Korea. But as he noticed her in front of that convenience store in the late evening while the voices of hundreds of people buzzed around them, he hiccupped, "Kim Saebyul, long time no see. Wanna get a drink? I've just had a shit day."   
He clearly already slurred his words and she knew that it was probably due to that, but there was a vague sense of familiarity that touched something inside her. So she said, "Park Chanyeol, do you honestly think you can keep up with me?"  
At first he just gave her a strange expression as if it took him some time to process her words but then he grimaced, "Pah. I don't care if you think you're American now or whatever, but I've had years of drinking here. We're a nation of alcoholics."  
She laughed at that and he grinned and somehow it felt if nothing had changed after all. He was still the boy next door.

But then, as they sat at the wobbly table of street stall covered by plastic planes, she did feel the same distance she had felt at his house. At first they had laughed hysterically as Saebyul told him how she had spent the years they had been apart. She told him about San Francisco and about university and her friends and her family and about the ex-boyfriend she had been on a road trip with and about the first time some of her artworks had been featured in an gallery. And he said that he always knew she was talented while he poured her yet another drink. She couldn't even tell how many bottles of soju they had had at that point because the stall owner had been so kind to collect them whenever she brought them a new one.   
But then the conversation immediately got stuck when Saebyul finally ran out of stories and asked him how he had been. He talked a little about his work in a bike shop and about how the rack with bells had broken the other day but then he already became weirdly gloomy.  
"My life isn't really that exciting I guess," he said after a while and nipped at his glass. There was a plate with grilled chicken wings in front of them and Saebyul realized that he had not really eaten anything. Like a hungry beast she had gobbled down spicy rice cakes and grilled octopus and kimchi and he had only drunk and drunk and drunk.  
"Are you still friends with anyone from school?" she asked because she wasn't sure what else to say.  
For a second he frowned at her as if he couldn't decide whether or not to tell her what was on his mind. Then he blinked and shrugged, "Not really." It sounded like a lie.  
She wanted to ask more. She wanted to talk about school and about their old friends and teachers but she knew that, unless he talked first, she couldn't. Because she knew what had happened to Byun Baekhyun. When Baekhyun had died, Chanyeol had stopped calling and writing and Saebyul had been too far away to help. All she had had were a few emails from some other friends who had told her that Chanyeol hadn't come to school for a while after Baekhyun's accident.   
She worldlessly chewed on a piece of chicken while he stared at the blurred world behind the plastic plane, when she understood that the reason why he hadn't talked to her in his kitchen was that her existence probably reminded him of a time in his life he wanted to forget.  
She pressed her lips together and considered to make up an excuse to leave, but then she took a deep breath and forced a smile on her lips. "So why was your day shit?"  
He looked at her in puzzlement, so she explained, "Remember? That's what you told me when you asked me out. That your day was shit so you needed a drink."  
He only sighed while he poured her another glass.   
"Did something happen in the shop?" she asked encourangingly and realized how little she really knew about him. As children she had known almost everything about his life but his older version was a stranger.  
"No," he said and sounded oddly resigned. "Not in the shop." He made a long pause and she thought he was not going to continue, when he said, "I met this guy. And he said some things, and it's like..." He trailed off and spun his glass on the table to that some of the liquid splashed on the shiny red surface. "Deep down I know that what he said makes sense. I know that I need help but that's... That's just hard to accept."  
"What did he say?" she asked and wondered whether she should have first asked what kind of guy he had talked to or what Chanyeol needed help with.   
Chanyeol blinked at her as if he only now realized what he had said. His jaw muscles moved under his skin as he stared at his glass before he completely downed it. Then he shrugged, "That I live in the past. That I let my life be dictated by ghosts." He let out a humorless laugh as if he could force himself to make his words sound funnier than they really were.  
"Is this about Baekhyun?" she whispered before she really knew herself what she was doing and he stared at her with wide eyes.  
He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something and then closed it again while he filled his own glass and took another sip. Then, suddenly, he slammed down his glass and furiously drew down his brows while he fixated a spot to his left. "Okay, no, that's just messed up. Shut the fuck up."  
His words came so sudden that she choked on her own breath and knocked down the bottle with soju that spilled on her skirt.  
"Oh," he said and now looked at her while he jumped up. "Oh, no." He quickly looked around himself. "No, no, no." He stole the paper napkins from the table next to theirs and then almost fell as he hurried around to her on wobbly legs. "I don't mean you. I don't want you to shut up. I'm just..." he muttered and dropped some of the napkins on the floor while he attempted to wipe the soju off her lap. Then, with his hand on her bare knee, he seemed to realize that what he did probably wasn't terribly appropriate.   
"Sorry, I shouldn't..." he said and tried to take a step backwards when she caught his hand.   
"Park Chanyeol," she said gently as she intertwined her fingers with his while he looked down at her curiously. "Remember when we snuck off during the school trip to Gyeongju and hid in the woods?"  
In the dim light she couldn't be sure whether he blushed but he did look flustered, so she continued, "Back then you did worse than to touch my knee."  
He let out a strangled laugh and then seemed distracted by the way her hand felt in his. He looked at them as if he the concept of holding hands was new to him.

Saebyul knew loneliness because she had felt it often enough in her life. Loneliness had been with her during her first years in America and had tucked at her when she had lost contact to Chanyeol. It had chilled her bones after every break-up that followed and after every moment of failure. It had followed her and kept her awake during her nights in the guest house room of her estranged home country.  
She knew the feeling like an old friend, so she could tell how lonely Chanyeol was when his hands held onto her back and when his lips grazed her jaw. She could feel it when his forehead rested against her neck while she tried to open the door to her room. The keys jiggled and she swayed because she was drunk and foolish and because he was heavy. She saw the loneliness in his eyes while he looked at her in the grey darkness of her sad, little room.   
And then, when they were inside, they suddenly didn't know what to do any longer.   
"Are you thirsty?" she asked in a hoarse voice and fumbled for the light switch when he took her hand in his again. He quietly blew air throw his nose in a toneless laugh.  
"You know," he began and moved his head closer again so that she could feel his breath against her cheek. "I forgot what it feels like. I wasn't alone but I wasn't really with anyone either and I didn't think of it as strange because I couldn't remember the difference."  
She sighed into the crook of his neck and pulled him closer with her free hand. It broke her heart to see him like this because this was not the boy she had left and in her drunken stupor she hated herself for not coming back sooner. In all these years, she had sometimes thought about him but only as a fleeting memory.  
"I just forgot," he muttered into her hair. "But then that guy, this guy I ony met for the second time today somehow knew. And he took my hand and it was... I never noticed how warm a hand feels. I forgot how warm it feels to touch someone."  
"Mh," she said while his hand wandered under her blouse but then she suddenly realized something. She freed herself enough that she could move her neck back enough to look him in the eyes. "You..." she began and searched his gaze. "You're not gay, are you?"  
As she said it, she knew how ridiculous it sounded. Here he was with her, but something felt off. She expected him to laugh but he only frowned at her and let go of her hand as he kissed her a little too abruptly.

"No, you don't know what you're talking about," she heard Chanyeol's quietly say as she woke up to the rays of the morning sun blinding her. He sat behind her on the mattress that lightly shook as he probaby got dressed. Something prevented her from turning around. It wasn't shame, not really, but now that she was sober and that her head seemed about to burst, she wasn't sure how to face him. Him talking on the phone to someone didn't make it easier.  
"I don't care what you think. I'm not going to stop," he hissed angrily. "You're not the one who has to pretend not to see you every single fucking day. He said he can help make it easier."  
The was a pause during which Chanyeol stood up from the bed. She quickly closed her eyes in case he looked at her.  
"No, that's not what I-," Chanyeol began and then let out a deep sigh. When he continued, he sounded much gentler. "I didn't say that. I'm not trying to get rid of you. I'm just trying to deal with it better. You know exactly what happened when-."  
She heard the door open when he said, "Just let me do this. Please."  
When she opened her eyes again, she was unsure what to think.

\- trustworthiness -

Minseok was early in the office the next day, but not quite so early that he would have beaten Junmyeon to it. When he arrived and half expected the door to still be closed, he already heard a radio playing inside and found Junmyeon humming a tune while he watered the many plants in the office.  
"Hyungnim, good morning," Junmyeon said happily when Minseok put his bag on his desk and hung his jacket on the back of his chair. Minseok was the oldest summoner now but he still felt as though Junmyeon actually was the wiser one. He had been with the Office for seven years now, ten years less than Minseok, but he already was better at dealing with people and ghosts and superiors and basically anyone with a conscience. They all actually listened to them. He never had to claw ghosts out of hosts, never had to make them shut up, probably never walked home completely drained because he had fought them rather than to try harder to understand them. And although Jongdae and Yixing constantly called him dopey and lame, they eventually followed his words, too.  
Minseok had complete faith in Junmyeon, so although he wouldn't normally have talked to anyone about his progress, he said, "I met Park Chanyeol yesterday."  
"Hm?" Junmyeon asked as he turned around to him with the watering can still in his hand. He crinkled his eyebrows in thought because he didn't seem to recall the name, but then he said, "Oh, the new recruit?"  
Minseok nodded and when Junmyeon looked impressed, he hurriedly explained, "He called me first. I didn't do anything."  
"Oh, I see," Junmyeon said in an appreciative way that made Minseok still feel as though he had done good anyway. Rather than to ask anything, he seemed to wait for Minseok to say more out of his own volition. There was something strangely paternal about the way he acted sometimes.  
"I listened," Minseok said and then added, "Like you told me to."  
"So how did that go?" Junmyeon asked and finally put down the can as he sat down on the edge of Yixing's desk next to him.  
Minseok wasn't sure how to answer at first. It had not exactly gone well this time either. He and Park Chanyeol had met in a crowded family restaurant where no one had paid attention to them. He had chosen the place exactly because it was noisy and he was glad that he did because at one point Byun Baekhyun had tried to pick a fight. Minseok had tried hard not to take the bait while Park Chanyeol had been overwhelmed by the situation.   
But still, despite everything, Minseok was positive that this time he had actually got through to Park Chanyeol, so he said, "Better."  
"Hm," Junmyeon said in thought. "So what did he say?"  
"He said he's well," Minseok replied and finally sat down at his desk with a sigh. Junmyeon raised his eyebrow at him, so he explained, "He kept repeating it. I doubt that anyone who really is well would do that."  
"Probably not," Junmyeon agreed and folded his arms in front of his chest. They both knew what it meant if a ghost caused discomfort to a human. This was normally when it was their turn to act. The only problem was that this was not a regular possession. Byun Baekhyun had even told him that he had been careful to follow their rules. He had never possessed anyone, regularly left Park Chanyeol alone and even maintained some sort of protective sphere around him to make sure that other ghosts rarely got close to them. Byun Baekhyun had more of a conscience than most ghosts but that was exactly why Minseok trusted him even less.  
"To be honest, I'm still not sure how to assess the situation," Minseok admitted and rubbed his dry hands. "I don't understand what makes them stick together."  
"Friendship?" Junmyeon suggested and Minseok frowned at him. He was sure that he himself had not talked about the two before in detail but Junmyeon still sometimes knew things.  
"I'm not sure that's really fully it," Minseok said and tried not to sound too uneasy. Maybe it was a mistake to talk to Junmyeon. Maybe it was a mistake to talk to anyone at all. He after all still acted against the original orders of the Office.  
But it did worry him and as he looked down at his hands, he felt unusually helpless. The longer he had spoken to Park Chanyeol and Byun Baekhyun, the more he had understood that they shouldn't have left them alone for so long. The air around them had been cold and there had been a lingering sense of malice. Maybe it only was because of him, maybe Byun Baekhyun was not always that hostile, but the mere thought that someone had to live in such an atmosphere without any idea how to fight it, had tightened Minseok's chest. At one point he had pulled at Byun Baekhyun's hand to put it on Park Chanyeol's on the table just to see what would happen. Normally, living humans got startled at the coldness that came with being touched by someone dead. But Park Chanyeol had only reacted when Minseok had taken his other hand in his.   
It had been odd and as Minseok flexed his hand it felt awkward. Just that short moment of touch seemed to have kicked something loose.  
"What are you going to do now?" Junmyeon asked and Minseok snapped out of his thoughts.  
He considered the question for a moment and then shrugged, "Listen some more I guess."


	4. second thoughts

\- choices -

"Hey, thanks for the pep talk the other day by the way," the ghost called Baekhyun said to Minseok, the summoner, and did not sound thankful in the least. He sounded like the kind of guy who would happily stick a knife into someone else's back if given the chance. It was funny because ghosts rarely were sarcastic or mortally offended. Ghosts normally stopped being human like that.  
Meanwhile, Chanyeol, the recruit, noisily slurped down his noodles in deliberate ignorance. Humans like him who were meant to become Office soldiers rarely stayed that calm when a ghost around them got emotional.   
"Know what he did right after you left?" Baekhyun asked and nodded at Chanyeol. Minseok did not take the bait and looked generally unimpressed because everyone knew that Minseok hated ghosts. Summoners like him rarely were as obvious in their dislike.  
"He got so drunk that he could barely hear me," Baekhyun continued and this time Chanyeol threw him a nasty look between slurps. "And then he fucked his ex-girlfriend like a rabbit." He made a very suggestive hand gesture which caused Chanyeol to choke badly. "But you see, rabbits breed as a survival tactic and, while he's arguably as stupid as a rabbit, he probably shouldn't breed like one."   
Baekhyun's voice sounded as if it came through gritted teeth which was a strange effect, seeing that he didn't technically have teeth. Chanyeol on the other hand seemed to cough up his complete lung while Minseok pushed a glass with water towards him.   
And Sehun just couldn't hold it in any longer. From his seat at the door he burst out laughing and Baekhyun, the ghost, whirled around to him.  
"I fucking knew the guy could see me," Baekhyun said to Minseok in an accusatory tone when Chanyeol also finally curiously turned around to Sehun as if he genuinely hadn't noticed him before.   
"Damn, hyung," Sehun laughed and wiped a tear from his eye when he finally managed to catch his breath. "What are you teaching your recruits anyway? If I'd known, I'd have asked you to train me instead of Mr Ghosts-deserve-my-sympathy-Kim. Probably would've made me stay longer."  
Minseok's lips turned into a thin line and to the casual observer it probably wouldn't have looked very threatening but Sehun knew better. But he was not part of the Office any longer and he was not a ghost, so he only laughed even more. The whole situation was just hilariously ridiculous.

Minseok had suddenly turned up at the restaurant shortly before the lunch rush hour had started and had asked to reserve the booth for special occasions around seven in the evening. Sehun, who didn't mind Minseok as a person but sensed that this was an Office related thing, had of course tried to change his mind. They didn't take reservations and it always was very, very loud and crowded in the evening and anyway, didn't the Office people all hate him? Surely there were better places to hang out.   
But Minseok would not be deterred.  
"There's a potential recruit who isn't sure yet whether he wants our help and I want him to meet you," he had explained and Sehun had actually needed to sit down to swallow the shear ludicrousness of the sentence. He had never expected anyone from the Office to think of him as someone who should be allowed to meet anyone who had not yet made up their mind. Maybe that was simply wishful thinking but he had somehow hoped that they thought of him as the ultimate antithesis to them. Like their personal Antichrist.  
"So, like," Sehun had slowly begun and had squinted his eyes at Minseok. He had not been quite sure whether either he had maybe misunderstood something after all or whether Minseok had gone nuts. With people from Office it could have easily been both. "You think that talking to me helps him make up his mind."  
Minseok had nodded in a matter-of-factly way that had confused Sehun even more.  
"Just to be clear, you know that I probably won't tell him that summoning is great, right?" he had asked and Minseok had given him the kind of blank look that had often irritated him, as if he was too stupid to comprehend something very obvious.  
"I'll probably tell him that I hated it and that the payout is shit and that the office hours are inhumane and that I stayed for exactly a month before I went back to working for my parents because here I at least get free food," he had specified and finally, Minseok had wrinkled his forehead in disapprovement. But he still had not seemed to reconsider his idea.  
"Do you even want to train him?" Sehun had then asked in bafflement and Minseok had looked down at his feet as if ashamed. It had made the situation even stranger because Sehun had met Minseok as someone who always knew what he was doing.  
"I'm not sure he should be a recruit," Minseok had then admitted with a shrug. "I believe he needs help and I believe that the Office can help certain people." He had given Sehun a knowing look at that and they had probably thought the same thing. The Office could help those people who only saw ghosts because something messed up had happened to them at some point in their life. It was for nutcases who needed the reassurance that ghosts could be fought.  
"But he should know that he has options," Minseok had said and Sehun had rubbed his neck in discomfort.  
"Yeah, I'm not sure you should bet on me too much though," he had muttered in return. Not wanting to be responsible for what other people did was part of the reason why he had not wanted to be a summoner.   
"Just tell him what you want," Minseok had then said as if it really wasn't such a big deal. Just talk to someone who is about to have his whole life changed and to whom every single careless word could make a major difference. Yeah. No pressure at all there.  
"I'll figure out the rest," Minseok had then added. "I'll see this through either way."  
"Right," Sehun had said doubtfully and part of him had genuinely wondered whether it would have been different if Minseok had trained him instead of Junmyeon. Junmyeon had been crushed when Sehun had quit and as much as he had cared before, once Sehun had said his goodbyes, they had never talked again. Summoners tended to be single-minded like that. That was the impression Sehun had got, so it was strange to see that Minseok, the one who was arguably filled with the most unapologetic hatred, apparently accepted different paths.

But then Minseok appeared with the potential recruit while Sehun was in the kitchen, so Minseok didn't get to introduce him right away. Instead they were led to the booth by his mother and when he eventually slowly shuffled there, he immediately saw why Minseok would be so unsure about the situation. The recruit and the ghost had their backs turned to Sehun but he could still tell how close they were. In fact, he had to look twice to make sure that the back in the blue school blazer really was translucent. The way he leaned over and pointed at the menu and made suggestions as to what the recruit should order, they almost looked like an older and a younger brother casually hanging out.   
At first, Sehun pretended not to see the ghost and not to know Minseok to get a better feeling for the situation. He took their orders, accidentally met the eye of the ghost but quickly looked away and then listened from the door.  
The recruit was called Chanyeol, the ghost was called Baekhyun and by the comfortable way they spoke to each other, Sehun figured that they probably were the same age. Or rather, had been the same age at some point. Chanyeol tried to talk to Minseok but Baekhyun constantly interferred which led to bickering and a long awkward pause when Sehun brought them their food and then, eventually to the rabbit comparison.

"This is Oh Sehun," Minseok explained while Sehun sat down next to him after checking that his mother was not in sight. He had told her that a friend had made a reservation but she still would have told him off for having fun during his shift. Although the situation wasn't technically fun. Because Minseok wasn't technically a friend. Instead, Sehun felt as if he was at the other end of a job interview as one of those executive douchebags who came in late and then demanded to have the applicant introduce himself once more. The way Chanyeol and Baekhyun looked at him from the other side of the table certainly was uncomfortable.   
"Sehun is-," Minseok began and was immediately interrupted by Baekhyun.  
"Not an exorcist," he noted and then scanned Sehun up and down. As if to make sure that he really could be seen, he moved a little to the right and then to the left so that he accidentally leaned right into Chanyeol's shoulder. Most ghosts tried tactics like that so that wasn't new. What instead bothered Sehun a little was how Chanyeol seemed completely unfazed by the fact that a ghost moved through part of his body. Sehun doubted that he couldn't feel it because there just was no way. Nothing was as unpleasant or invasive as having a ghost cross right through one's own body. But rather than to act disturbed by the ghost's presence, Chanyeol nervously looked from Minseok to Sehun as though they were the scariest part of the evening.  
"But I can see you all right," Sehun said when Baekhyun seemed about to phrase it in an even less diplomatic way. "Which tells you that your friend doesn't have to become an exorcist himself and that Minseok-hyung has probably been bullshitting you all this time."  
Baekhyun eyed him in a way that made it clear that he believed this to be a trap but didn't reply. It was a little scary how sharp he seemed. Sehun could almost see the gears turning in his brain and the mere thought was ridiculous. Ghosts weren't people any longer. But Baekhyun was as close to a living person as a ghost could get.  
Chanyeol meanwhile looked at Minseok in confusion and with what appeared to be dull hurt.   
And Sehun understood. Up until that point he had genuinely considered to just complain about the Office and to tell Chanyeol how he thought that everyone who worked there was stupid. Chanyeol did after all seem happy enough with his ghost friend.  
But in that single moment it already became blatantly obvious. Chanyeol already put faith in Minseok. Not because he was brainwashed or because he was being lied to but because he honestly wanted help.  
So Sehun sighed and shook his head as he said, "Look, man, let's face it, Minseok-hyung is really terrible at this, so normally, they don't let him recruit anyone. I suppose no recruit would last longer than a week if he did this more often."  
Next to him he could feel Minseok tense up and Baekhyun scoffed while crossing his arms in front of his chest. But this wasn't aimed at them. The point was that Chanyeol repeatedly blinked in dumbfoundedness and obviously loosened up a little.   
"Let's be honest here," Sehun said and lazily scratched at a stain on the table. "When they send someone from the Office it's always someone who can and will help you. They know what they're doing but normally they don't tell you that there are alternatives. Join their club or suffer alone. That's what it's usually about."  
Minseok sighed but didn't interrupt him, so he continued, "But Minseok-hyung here doesn't seem to care about his new membership quota. So like an idiot he tries to give you the choice."  
At that Minseok threw him a quick side glance and Chanyeol seemed unsure whether this information helped him in any way. Of course it probably was good to hear that someone they wanted to trust tried to do what was best. But sometimes it just didn't help to have too many options. How to choose without an idea how?   
Sehun honestly hated this more and more. This was going to be the last time he allowed himself to be baited by Office people into doing something he didn't want to do.  
"Okay, so let's get down with the facts," he said and rested his elbows on the table so that he leaned forward. He was so close to Baekhyun that the cold presence made shivers run down his spine but he wanted to make sure that no one could overhear them now. This was the moment when it got personal.  
"I don't know what happened to you or to what extent you feel bothered by your ghost friend," he quietly said to Chanyeol while Baekhyun let out an offended noise. Before anyone had a chance to interrupt him, he quickly continued, "But here's the thing. My grandmother was a shaman. She died when I was six and she was the first ghost I saw. She taught me how to deal with it and disappeared when she decided that I didn't need her anymore. This sometimes happens in my family, so it's no big deal to me. No trauma, no sleepless nights, no need for any of the stuff the Office teaches people. In fact, they only approached me a little while ago because I wasn't even on their radar."  
"Yeah, how is that connected to-," Baekhyun began but Sehun needed to get this off his chest so that he could get back to work.   
"The point is," he said urgently and shifted a little so that he directly faced Chanyeol who chewed on the inside of his cheek. "This all depends on what you need. If you're cool with spending the rest of you life around your friend, that's your choice. If all you need are a few talismans to ward of more annoying ghosts, I can point you in the direction of shamans who actually know what they're doing. Just tell him that and hyung will leave you alone."  
Chanyeol quickly looked at Minseok who slightly nodded.  
"But if you actually need help and if you want my honest opinion," Sehun said emphatically. "He's probably your best bet."  
It wasn't even a lie, not really.   
The Office could help certain people, people who secretly wanted to go back to being normal. It helped those who wanted to control ghosts because to them it was the only way to cope. It gave them a safe haven in which their abilities were not more than a tool they needed for their job, a job that allowed them to do good. That was what the Office stood for and Chanyeol maybe wouldn't be able to fit into that scheme.   
But while Sehun wasn't sure whether the Office as an institution could help him, he had a feeling that Minseok as a person maybe could. After all, he had said that he would see it through either way.

\- dates -

"Don't tell me you were on a date," Yura gasped and flopped down on the couch next to her brother with a can of beer and a bag of dried squid. They had both only come home and their parents were still out on a class reunion. Had she come back a few minutes later than him, Yura probably wouldn't even have noticed that Chanyeol had come come later than usual. She was nosey but rarely all that attentive.  
"It wasn't a date," Baekhyun said on the other side of the couch and figured that Chanyeol would repeat his words.   
"Why, because I'm a little late?" Chanyeol asked instead and continued to stare at the TV showing a quiz show while he fumbled for the squid.  
"Because you're a little late today," she nodded as she handed him a tiny piece of squid and then leaned back so that the bag was out of his reach. "And because you were a little late the other day. Or should I say early? I mean, I think it was around seven in the morning that you came home." To make a point, she teasingly kicked his leg with her unsocked foot and then put both her feet on his lap. In response Chanyeol only wrinkled his nose and scratched his head.  
"See, I told you they noticed something. You can't just spend the night fucking around and not expect anyone to notice it," Baekhyun said and lightly touched the sole of her foot. She immediately flinched away because of the sudden coldness but rather than to put her feet away, she now put them under Chanyeol's thighs.  
"I'm old enough," Chanyeol said and Baekhyun wasn't sure whether he talked to him or her. He spared neither of them a glance.  
Yura meanwhile, oblivious to the fact that was someone else in the room, put her hands up and chirped, "You definitely are. And I mean, if you're dating, that's great. I wouldn't dare stand in your way."  
"Those weren't dates though," Baekhyun noted.   
"So, you know, no pressure," Yura shrugged and made chewing noises that very much bothered Baekhyun. He could literally hear how what had been a squid at some point in its life was turned into mush mixed with spit.  
"Just so you know, they weren't dates," Chanyeol finally said after a long pause filled with the sounds of the TV and the gurgling of the house and the gulps of beer running down Yura's throat.   
"Exactly," Baekhyun nodded but then he noticed that the phrasing sounded odd. Yura, despite not always being attentive, picked up on it, too.  
"But you met someone?" she asked and looked at him curiously. Yura had always been obsessed with stories like that. Back in school Baekhyun had seen her grill Chanyeol over and over again about his relationship with Saebyul. It was as if she had nothing else to do.  
"She's totally misunderstanding you," Baekhyun pointed out.  
"Yeah, I met someone," Chanyeol said and Baekhyun slapped through his arm in the spur of the moment. He knew Chanyeol could feel it but instead he only stubbornly continued to stare at the TV.  
"I'm telling you, she will only misunderstand you," Baekhyun repeated.  
Yura frowned at her brother as though she tried to dermine whether he lied or not. "Someone nice?" she asked and he shrugged.  
"I guess," he replied which caused her to break out into a wide grin and Baekhyun to touch his head in annoyance. This was just slowly getting worse. He knew exactly what Yura was thinking and he couldn't blame her. She only heard what she wanted to hear. What Chanyeol wanted her to hear.  
"I don't know what you're thinking, man," Baekhyun muttered when Yura leaned forward and happily put her arm around Chanyeol's neck.  
"We're going on a date on Sunday," Chanyeol continued in a distant tone and Yura immediately asked questions. Where to, what was she like, how did they meet, what did they have planned, how long had they known each other.  
But Baekhyun had become unable to listen.  
A date?  
A chance, yes.   
A risk, yes.   
A potential trap, yes, set up by Kim Minseok as part of a stupid deal without a clear motive. The prospect of Sunday worried Baekhyun and it made him feel the kind of excitement he hadn't felt in years.  
But it wasn't a date.


	5. never alone

\- proving a thesis -

"That is just bullshit," Jongdae said and felt the anger boil up inside him like a stew. He didn't want to feel angry. Anger was an emotion he had only picked up recently. As a child he had been 'sweet', as a teenager 'mild-mannered' and as the young employee of a sporting goods store 'likeable'. 'Angry' and 'upset' and 'irritable' and 'troublesome' were words that had only been applied to him in hushed voices after the ghosts had started to follow him. The ghosts talked and screamed and whispered and touched him with cold fingers. And the people around him couldn't understand him because they couldn't see what he saw and couldn't hear what he heard and couldn't feel what he felt. Anger was what stopped him from going crazy.  
But in the office he didn't want to be angry because everyone there was supposed to be like him. They all were supposed to understand.  
Only then Minseok had suddenly started to read the infamous report by a Japanese summoner who had loved ghosts so much that he had made it mandatory for everyone in his office to be possessed at least once during their training. The report was the stuff of nightmares and although Jongdae was not all that squeamish anymore, he had not been able to read the whole thing. There only were so many detailed accounts on what it felt like to be completely powerless he could stomach.  
And then, as they had all noticed Minseok skim through the pages with a troubled expression, Junmyeon had said something stupid: "Maybe we could understand them better if we experienced it." He had not specified whether he meant the people who were possessed or the ghosts, but Jongdae had immediately snapped at him.  
And it was odd because in the office Jongdae rarely got angry, so Junmyeon just blinked at him in confusion while he said, "You can't honestly tell me that you'd be all, hey, come on, ghosts, use my body like it's a pair of new shoes. Walk around in it and have fun. I'll just scream at the back of my mind because I can't do shit and have to wait until you get bored enough to finally discard me like a wet tissue."  
Yixing seemed to suppress a laugh as he looked up from his computer and Junmyeon frowned like a disappointed parent. His expression was similiar to the one Jongdae's mother used to have when he told her that he saw his dead brother. Concerned. Scared. Belittling.  
"I'm sure you've seen enough people who were possessed to understand them," Jongdae continued before Junmyeon had a chance to say something even more infuriating. He didn't even need to specify it because they all knew what he meant. Sure, some people couldn't remember anything of what had happened to them, but most of them needed psychological help to some extent. Some even permanently lost their minds. And how could they not after their bodies had been stolen? That was the sad truth behind every summoning. In the end only the ghosts got away unscathed and happily ascended to heaven.  
No one in the office said a word after that. Junmyeon crossed his arms in front of his chest, Yixing stared at a spot at the wall and Jongdae was about to stand up to get some fresh air.   
And then Minseok sighed and put the report down. "It's supposedly different for summoners," he said doubtfully as he looked at the bound pile of papers.   
"Different how?" Jongdae asked and shook his head at there mere though. "Slightly less horrible you mean?"  
Minseok gave him a thoughtful look before he said, "More enlightening."   
Jongdae was about to tell him off the way he had told off Junmyeon, when Minseok quickly added, "Supposedly there's a way to fight it from within."  
Jongdae blinked. "Fight it from..." he slowly repeated. "What?"  
Minseok shrugged, "I believe that's the point of the report. Figure out how it works. Find a way to fight it. Get rid of the ghost from within. Summoners could be able to do that."   
He uttered his words in his usual calm but slightly timid tone, so it took Jongdae a while to process them. To him the report had always been the epitome of sentimental ghost fancying. Allowing a possession to him was a sign of weakness and arrogance. Even if he thought about it, he didn't see the point of trying to see what it was like because they could easily summon ghosts from outside.  
But this was Minseok, the one who could hurt ghosts and who kept secrets he didn't share with anyone. Minseok who sometimes was reckless and who dealt with all those situations the others couldn't handle. Him reading the report maybe meant that he was onto something terrifying.  
"I don't think that's what the report is about," Junmyeon muttered weakly but Jongdae ignored him.   
"Hyung," Jongdae then said and squinted his eyes at Minseok who in return looked at the cover of the report like a mathematician thinking up a proof. "You're not planning to do anything stupid, are you?"

\- penance -

"You're fucking stupid if you think that he actually wants to help you," Baekhyun had said in reproach after they had met Kim Minseok for the second time. Unlike the first time, Kim Minseok had actually listened rather than to answer more of the questions Chanyeol had never asked. And somehow, that had been even worse.  
"To him you're nothing but cannon fodder for the Office," Baekhyun had continued in a voice like thunder.  
Chanyeol had not wanted to hear it, so he had drunk and drunk until Baekhyun's words had become nothing more than the noises of a distant radio station with bad reception.   
"They don't give a shit about you. Even if you say no, they will try to turn you into an exorcist anyway. That's all you're worth to them. So maybe he changed his tactic and tried to be nice this time, do you honestly think he cares about you as a person?"  
Chanyeol had tried to ignore him but not even the liquor and the feeling of a warm body pressed against his had made the words go away.  
Even afterwards he wasn't sure why he minded them so much.  
Of course he didn't think that a guy from some ominous organisation he had never heard about would approach him because he genuinely cared.  
But then he found himself flexing his left hand whenever he had a small break in the shop or at home and couldn't shake the feeling that things were different from the way Baekhyun saw them.  
"I can't pretend to know what it's like for you. But I've been in a similar situation before," Kim Minseok had said as he had put his hand on Chanyeol's on the grimy table of a restaurant. Chanyeol had tried to pull his away because something about the sudden proximity had scared him. But Kim Minseok had lightly put his fingers around Chanyeol's in a way that had caused Chanyeol's heart to hammer in his chest.   
"So I know that..." Kim Minseok had begun and had then furrowed his brows as if unsure how to continue and how much he wanted to say. "I know that the one who struggles isn't the ghost."  
Chanyeol didn't meant to trust him. Why trust someone who suddenly appeared out of nowhere?  
Chanyeol hadn't meant to trust him.  
But then Kim Minseok had tried to show him that there was a different path.  
"As Sehun said, this is all your choice," he had hurriedly explained as they had left the restaurant of the grandson of a shaman. "If you want, I can teach you everything I know. And then you're free to do whatever you want with that knowledge."

It was strange to look at Kim Minseok now because after three meetings his presence already filled Chanyeol with conflicting emotions and so many questions that he wasn't even sure were to begin.   
"What now?" Kim Minseok's face asked with the voice of a nightmare and Chanyeol snapped out of his trance. What looked like Kim Minseok, sounded like him and Baekhyun and the howling of a storm mixed together to create a mismatching chorus. Chanyeol had got so used to listening to Baekhyun that he had almost forgotten how little human he sometimes sounded. It was strange to now hear his voice coming from a human body.  
"Look, man," Baekhyun said in annoyance while he wiped the remnants of the foamy capucchino from his face when Chanyeol just stared at him. "I feel like we haven't really thought this through. We only have nine hours left and so far all we've done is eat."  
Chanyeol raised his eyebrow because he was not the one who had forced Baekhyun to spend three hours running into every single restaurant that tickled his fancy. He had in fact not anticipated it so he was slowly running out of money and was thankful that Kim Minseok had been smart enough to not carry anything of worth with him. Baekhyun would have simply robbed him as if it wasn't enough that he had twelve hours to walk around in his body.  
"So what do you want to do?" he then asked because he didn't feel like arguing.   
Rather than to reply, Baekhyun grimaced as he looked at the brilliant autumn day outside the coffee shop window. Warm morning light fell on his face and as Chanyeol watched him, he felt strangely voyeuristic. He could see Baekhyun as a vague halo but apart from that it didn't look like him. There only were the lines of Kim Minseok's face and the shadows his lashes cast on his cheeks as he blinked.  
"Can he hear everything we say?" Chanyeol unwillingly asked and Baekhyun's gaze shifted back to him. At first he didn't seem to understand what he meant but then his expresson immediately darkened.  
"Don't know," he said bruskly and wrinkled his nose. "I've never done this before either."  
"Right," Chanyeol said and leaned back in his chair with a sigh. He didn't like this. After ten years of being surrounded by ghosts he thought that he was finally getting used to it, but there simply was no end to the things he couldn't comprehend.  
"Let's get some fresh air," Baekhyun muttered as he lifted himself up and started to walk towards the door without a look back. 

They walked around town, tried on overly expensive sneakers and then quickly escaped when Baekhyun accidentally insulted a huge woman with a buzz cut because he had not anticipated her to hear him. After years of talking shit with only Chanyeol as a listener, he had completely lost his filter. So they ran and ran until they forgot why and until their lungs hurt so much that they had to stop in a back alley between cables and trash bags.  
"Oh shit, she looked mad," Baekhyun gasped between choked laughs while Chanyeol held his aching sides.  
"Well, you called her a dyke," Chanyeol noted and took a deep breath.  
"Like that's an insult," Baekhyun said in mock indignation. "I meant it as a compliment. I know enough dudes who would love to be build like her."  
Chanyeol snorted and shook his head with a grin as he looked around himself to figure out where they were. "You're a fucking idiot," he said.  
"Uh-huh," Baekhyun said with a silly expression. "So what do you call the person who hangs out with an idiot?" He playfully boxed Chanyeol's arm and answered his own question with, "A moron."  
Chanyeol laughed but instinctivey flinched away at the sudden pain. Over the years, Baekhyun had made it a habit to slap him and box him to get his attention, but it never physically hurt because Baekhyun didn't have a physical body. If anything, it felt like like leaning into a block of ice.   
The situation immediately became awkward when he rubbed his arm, so Baekhyun put on a forced smile and asked, "So how much time do we have left?"  
Chanyeol pulled up his sleeve to look at his watch. "A little less than eight hours."  
When he threw Baekhyun a questioning glance, he noticed him staring at his wrist for a second too long, so he quickly tucked the sleeve back until it covered half his hand. Baekhyun blinked and their eyes met. It felt off.  
"Are you hungry?" Baekhyun asked with a half-hearted grin and vaguely pointed behind him to where the main road was.  
"Is eating all you have planned for today?" Chanyeol asked and could tell that he probably sounded like a parent who meant well but involuntarily spoiled his child's fun. Baekhyun, who had seemed happy enough a few minutes ago, immediately pulled a face.  
"Yeah, well," he began meekly and let his hand drop to his side. "I like to eat."  
"He's probably going to spend all night throwing up because of you," Chanyeol said and meant it to sound like a joke, but he was genuinely worried. Baekhyun maybe didn't notice anything strange because he wasn't used to having a body but once his twelve hours were up, Kim Minseok would probably regret it. He wouldn't even get anything himself out of the deal. Baekhyun got time, Chanyeol would get fixed hours during which Baekhyun was supposed to leave him alone so that Kim Minseok could teach him, and Kim Minseok got an upset stomach.  
"Not my problem," Baekhyun said and marched off. "He knew that I haven't eaten in ten years when he made his offer."  
Chanyeol sighed. And then followed behind because that was what he had agreed to do.

As the bright morning turned into midday and then into a gloomy afternoon, the whole situation didn't really improve because Baekhyun didn't seem to have any plans. They aimlessley walked into stores and restaurants and along crowded street. Baekhyun freaked out when he needed to take a piss but didn't understand the feeling, and then ate even more, and petted dogs, and walked into a store to touch a coat made of fake fur. He talked about people who were in earshot and only realized that everyone could hear him whenever Chanyeol loudly cleared his throat. After drinking a bottle of chocolate milk he threw up into a river while leaning over the edge of a bridge. When he seemed about to fall, Chanyeol quickly grabbed the back of his coat and then almost stumbled on the busy street behind him. When they then walked into a folk art museum because the entry was free, they were chased out when Baekhyun ignored all the warnings and sat down on an old European chair.  
It was ridiculous and the more absurd Baekhyun became in his complete inability to understand what it meant to be a living, breathing human being, the worse Chanyeol felt for Kim Minseok. He could only pray that he wouldn't actually see and hear what Baekhyun did.

"I want to get drunk," Baekhyun announced when Chanyeol noted that he had a little over two hours left. "I never got drunk before," he added when Chanyeol threw him an exasperated look. "And this is the only chance I get to talk to you while you're drunk."  
Chanyeol bit his lips and looked up to the darkening sky. He couldn't argue. To do whatever Baekhyun wanted was his part of the deal.  
So they went to a barbecue restaurant and ate cheap meat and drank cheap soju and pretended to be regular guys having a regular conversation about food and sports and people they had seen that day. And Chanyeol hated the thought of it but the more intoxicated he got, the less wrong it all felt. The sounds of Baekhyun and the storm were drowned out. What remained was Kim Minseok's clear voice saying things that were somewhat out of character.  
"I mean, in all honesty, if you dress weird, you shouldn't be suprised when people call you out on it," Baekhyun said and seemed to lose balance for a second. Kim Minseok's body swayed a little while Baekhyun's shape seemed still. He hiccuped, held onto the table and then was back in focus. "The guy was asking for it."  
Chanyeol nodded in apprehension as he chewed on a piece of kimchi and noticed that the motion already made him dizzy. When he tried to grab his glass, he misjudged the distance and nearly knocked it over. "Ah, shit," he muttered and pinched the bridge of his nose as if the problem lay with his eyes and not the amount of liquor he had consumed.  
"This is weird," Kim Minseok's voice said in a strange tone and when Chanyeol looked at him, he was met with a frown. "Getting drunk is weird. It's like being disabled but not because you were in an accident or anything but because you want to be that way." Kim Minsek's eyes were cloudy when he rested his face in his hand.  
"It is weird to see you drunk," Chanyeol said and accidentally addressed him formally. He didn't even realize that what he did was wrong at first. Kim Minseok's expression turned foul and it genuinely puzzled him.  
"I'm not him," Kim Minseok said quietly but Chanyeol still didn't get it. 'Not who?' he was about to ask when it hit him.   
"Yeah, obviously," he then said informally and pretended to be joking. He playfully straightened his back and then continued formally, "I'm just saying that I never had the chance to see you drunk, sir." He laughed and Baekyhun smiled weakly. They both knew that Chanyeol had actually addressed Kim Minseok, the one whose face he saw and whose voice he heard. He had never seen Baekhyun drunk and he never would.   
For a moment they were both quiet. Chanyeol stared at his hand shuffling his glass because it grew him weary to look at the figure opposite him. Baekhyun meanwhile continued to eat. He stuffed rice and meat and kimchi and spinach in his mouth and then choked and spat some of it on the table. This in return startled Chanyeol so much that he almost fell backwards off his chair when some of the mush hit him.  
"Shit," Chanyeol yelped. "Gross."  
"Damn it," Baekhyun muttered when he gulped down half a glass of water while wiping the table and then his face with the same paper napkin.  
Their eyes met for a second until Baekhyun looked down as if ashamed. "Sorry," he said.  
Again, they were quiet after that but this time it was even more awkward.  
"You're not actually enjoying this, are you?" Baekhyun then asked in a barely audible voice and seemed to fiddle with his hands under the table. It was odd. Baekhyun never was timid. He constantly voiced his every thought and opinion and never shut up, especially not when asked to. It unwillingly made Chanyeol wonder how much of an influence a possessed person had on the ghost possessing them. Maybe it wasn't only Kim Minseok's face. Maybe the person in front of him was a strange hybrid in general.  
"I don't know," he then said and badly wanted to joke away the strangeness of it all. This whole thing was a bad charade and they both knew it. But he had no idea what it was like for Baekhyun. So rather than to be stupid about it, he admitted, "I mean, it is a little weird."   
Baekhyun furrowed Kim Minseok's brows.   
"This isn't really you," Chanyeol added helplessly. "I mean, you're not..." He didn't finish the sentence but Baekhyun clearly understood.  
"Alive?" Baekhyun asked coolly and Chanyeol sighed.  
"You're not like this," he said and vaguely gestured at the table and the restaurant and the empty bottles of soju and Kim Minseok's body, and wasn't sure what he himself tried to get at.  
"Not like what? Not an adult you mean?" Baekhyun then asked with a humorless grin and let out a strange noise before he angrily looked to the side. Chanyeol wasn't sure what to reply so he stared at his hands instead. The ground seemed to shake and he noted that the coldness was creeping back. That was what made Baekhyun different. Even if he hid in a warm body, he still was cold. But Chanyeol didn't know how to explain it without making things even worse.  
"I'm not an adult," Kim Minseok's voice hissed. "Because I died when I was sixteen."  
Chanyeol shifted uncomfortably and avoided to look at him. He knew that he didn't just imagine the accusatory tone.

They only had fifteen more minutes when they slowly returned to the street corner where they had met the real Kim Minseok earlier that day. Almost twelve hours had passed and Chanyeol felt as drained as if he had climbed a mountain covered in snow.  
"Yeol-ah," Baekhyun said and it was only then that Chanyeol noticed that he wasn't next to him any longer. He turned around in confusion and saw Baekhyun stand a few paces behind him.  
"What?" he asked when Baekhyun simply frowned at him with his hands stuffed in the pockets of his coat. His lower face was buried in his scarf which made Kim Minseok look even younger.   
When Baekhyun still didn't reply, Chanyeol slowly became more and more uneasy. "Seriously, if you have anything to say," he began with a half-hearted grin when Baekhyun interrupted him.  
"Look, I remember what happened," Baekhyun said urgently and Chanyeol blinked.   
"Remember what happened when?" he asked and furrowed his brows but there was a dark suspicion budding in the back of his mind. What could Baekhyun possibly remember? What was worth being mentioned? What had remained a secret they hadn't addressed in years?   
Chanyeol quickly looked at his watch to check how much time there was left. Once Baekhyun's time ran out, he would probably be too drunk to hear what he had to say. But then, as he pulled back his sleeve with too much force, he also shifted the band of his watch enough to catch a glimpse of the thin scar beneath and froze.  
The scar and Baekhyun and all the memories were there every single day. But most of the time he managed to ignore them enough to feel nothing but numbness.  
"I remember everything that happened ten years ago," Baekhyun repeated and took a step forward. Chanyeol immediately flinched away and protectively put his hand around his wrist, as if the scar could rip open if he was too careless. He didn't know why it scared him so much. Of course Baekhyun would remember. Of course he wouldn't forget what had killed him.  
"I wanted to talk about it for a while but I didn't know how," Baekhyun said and put up his hands like someone approaching a wild animal. Chanyeol tried to steady his breath, tried to keep calm, tried to not act like a crazy person, but when Baekhyun slowly came closer, he felt trapped.  
"I know that I've been unfair lately and that the thing with that mother really bugged you. If you think that learning all this stuff about exorcising will make it easier for you, I won't stop you. I mean, it's obviously your decision," Baekhyun continued with an unreadable expression and forced a crooked smile on Kim Minseok's face.  
"And I know that today was weird and that..." Baekhyun looked down at himself, at the nice coat and the clean shoes and the back of Kim Minseok's open hands. "I know that this is weird. I'm not used to this but I really just wanted to..."  
He was only a step away now.  
"What?" Chanyeol asked and it came out as a croak.  
Baekhyun frowned. "I just..." He bit his lips and looked down as he let his hands drop to his sides. "I just wanted to..." He blinked and then sighed and hesitantly took hold of Chanyeol's left hand.  
And Chanyeol didn't mean to, he really didn't mean to but he gasped at the sensation because it was all wrong. It felt all wrong. There was the tingling coldness he felt every single day but there also was the warmth that had stirred something in him before.   
Baehyun meanwhile misunderstood his reaction because he pulled him closer and leaned in so that his lips grazed Chanyeol's cheek. But it wasn't Baekhyun. It wasn't the friend whose voice had always filled every room he was in and whose smell Chanyeol had long forgotten. It also wasn't simply the ghost whose presence was like an open window on a cold winter day. That was what made it so wrong. The body was all wrong. It was Kim Minseok's body who pressed against his, Kim Minseok's smell who filled the space between them, Kim Minseok's hand clasping his back. It was wrong and Chanyeol felt betrayed by the sound of his beating heart.  
"Baekhyun," he managed to choke out to remind himself of what this situation really was. He tried to wriggle himself free but Baekhyun put his hands at the sides of his face to make him look down at him.  
"You know why I'm here, right?" Baekhyun asked and Chanyeol winced as he tried to look away.  
Of course he knew.   
It was his punishment.   
It was his chance to do penance for his sins.   
It was to remind him of what he had done.  
But he couldn't say those words, so Baekhyun replied to his own question. "You're not alone. I will-."  
It was then that he suddenly pushed him away so that Chanyeol stumbled backwards. He nearly fell into a bush next to the pavement and wildly looked behind him to where Baekhyun was on all fours while a faint voice whispered in the wind.  
It took him a second too long to understand that their time had passed. Baekhyun hovered next to him but even when Chanyeol squinted his eyes and concentrated, he couldn't fully make him out.   
And Kim Minseok held both his hands in front of his face as he was on his knees and breathed heavily.  
"Shit," Chanyeol muttered but wasn't sure whether he should come closer. "Minseok-sshi, are you okay?"  
Kim Minseok looked up to him with wide eyes and a heaving chest and nervously licked his lips. He seemed about to say something when a jolt went through him and he threw up on the pavement in front of him.

\- the forbidden secret - 

Sometimes the greatest wonders only happened because of a series of more or less lucky coincidences.

Normally, Yixing didn't stay in the office after eleven at night. Normally he made sure to be home by midnight even though he knew witching hour to be nothing but a superstition. Ghost were around at all times.   
Normally, he also never learned about any of Minseok's secrets. Of course he wondered about them at times but he knew not to pry. The less he knew, the more amazed he felt at all the things Minseok could do, like a child watching a magic show.

But luck wanted it that he had forgotten his phone on his desk in that night when Minseok was so vulnerable to spill his latest trick.

"Hyung, what happened to you?" he asked as he steadied Minseok who had fainted in front of his desk. Two Nameless Ones floated beside them and tilted their heads curiously.  
"Possessed," Minseok muttered and tried to push Yixing away. Yixing, who had spent enough time with his stubborn grandparents, managed to hold on and lift him back on his chair. In the sterile office light Minseok almost looked as ghostly as the Nameless Ones.   
"It's terrible," Minseok said as he turned his chair and held onto his keyboard as if he urgently needed to type something out.   
And then Yixing remembered the conversation he and the others had had two days earlier.  
"Hyung, don't tell me," he began and stared at Minseok's hunched back.  
"He was right," Minseok quickly said as if he needed to sort out his thoughts. "You learn so much. You learn to see them from within. You see what they're made of."  
Yixing held his breath. He could tell that he was about to witness another wonder.  
"It's easier," Minseok said as his head drooped. "It's easier to destroy them that way."  
Next to them the Nameless Ones let out sounds like explosions underwater.


	6. differences

\- different answers -

"Why didn't you ask me to help?"   
Junmyeon had asked that question only once in a moment of arrogance. Back when he had still been in the middle of training Yixing, he had believed that he could do anything. After all, he had been chosen to pass on his knowledge. He who had spent the four years before that trying to learn everything there was to know, he who he thought was the new leader of their team after Shin Jaewoo had retired.  
But then Minseok had chosen to bring Yixing along for the summoning of a ghost possessing a young heir. The ghost had nearly beaten a man to death and had only been able to still roam free because of its host's family. And Junmyeon had believed, no, he had known that he was the best suited to deal with the ghost so he had confronted Minseok.  
But Minseok had only looked at him expressionlessly. "You're too empathetic," he had said as if there really hadn't been all that much to it.  
And Junmyeon had shook his head in disbelief because he had been twenty-four and had thought of himself as invincible.   
Shortly after that he had nearly died at the hands of a ghost who had killed many in many different bodies. Junmyeon had been too arrogant to ask for help until it had almost been too late.  
Minseok had killed the ghost to save him.  
"You can't reason with every one of them," Minseok had explained urgently, as if he had finally sensed that he needed to explain himself. "They're different, just like how we're different. Some of them don't want to listen."

After that Junmyeon had never really openly questioned his decision again. Their boundaries had been much clearer to him and he had finally understood something he had successfully ignored before. He could not save everyone. He could not solve everything. He was not all-knowing, no matter how hard he tried. So while he continued to pass on his knowledge and help the ghosts who wanted help, Minseok dealt with everything that was uncomfortable.  
Junmyeon was fine with those arrangements because he felt comfortable with his duties.  
But then the curious case of Park Chanyeol happened and he ended up questioning Minseok for the first time in years.

"Why did you tell Jongdae to go?" he asked with his arms folded in front of his chest and immediately regretted how confrontational he probably sounded. Minseok looked up from his computer and still looked terrible. His hands had been shaking for the past two days now and his gaze constantly shifted nervously. They had all told him to go home and rest but Minseok never listened.  
So for all Junmyeon knew, Minseok had made a rash decision because his mind wasn't quite there. It did not make much sense to tell Jongdae, who had only been with them for a year, to bring Park Chanyeol to a summoning.  
Minseok angled his head with wide eyes and seemed to consider the questions for a while. For a moment Junmyeon was afraid to receive the same answer again.  
But then Minseok said, "I found out what happened to Park Chanyeol and I think it's símilar to what happened to Jongdae. I think he should talk to someone who suffered the way he suffers."  
Junmyeon frowned at that, partly because he hadn't expected an actual explanation and because he had a feeling that he did comprehend the problem. They all knew about the reasons why those who had come after them could see ghosts. Minseok and Junmyeon both knew about Jongdae's brother and Yixing's parents, just like how Minseok knew about the plane crash Junmyeon had been pulled out of. Junmyeon was the rare case of someone who didn't feel guilt after losing a loved one but because he had survived when dozens of strangers had died. That was why it probably was easier for him than for the others to be empathetic. He had rarely met the people ghosts had once been.  
"So why not Yixing?" Junmyeon then asked because it seemed like the logical conclusion. Yixing's experience also was similar to Jongdae's and he had been with them for three years. He also swore less.  
Again, Minseok seemed to think of his answer but seemed less sure this time. "I don't know," he then shrugged and rubbed his face. "I thought they'd get along. They're the same age."  
"I see," Junmyeon nodded and felt somewhat content with the answer although there still was one thing it didn't completely explain. Minseok clearly didn't feel well but that had not stopped him from doing his rounds and typing up reports.   
"Is that also the reason why you didn't go?" Junmyeon asked carefully. "Because your story is too different?"  
The truth was that Junmyeon barely knew anything about Minseok athough they had worked together for seven years. Minseok never talked about his life and the few things Junmyeon had found out were things he had read about in the archives. The oldest report mentioning Minseok was dated back 15 years, so he would have been a child when the first ghost had appeared in front of him. Obviously, that didn't necessarily have to mean that his experience was worse than everyone else's. Oh Sehun had seen ghosts since young and he was fine. But Sehun had also freely talked about what had happened to him.  
"We're all different," Minseok said vaguely and looked down at his feet. Something about his expression made shivers run down Junmyeon's spine. "If I'd gone tonight, I probably would have destroyed the ghost. But then I wouldn't know what to do with the one who's still alive."

\- on teaching -

When Jongdae had tagged along for a summoning for the first time, it had been incredibly unspectacular. It had mostly consisted of Junmyeon talking to the ghost of a confused elderly lady possessing her neighbor, a similarly confused but slightly less old lady. For exactly 95 minutes Junmyeon had talked to her about her children and her cat and her favorite stew recipe while Jongdae had repeatedly yawned. Then, for exactly five minutes Junmyeon had told her about the wonder that was reincarnation despite knowing that there was no proof that reincarnation really was a thing. After that she had happily ascended to heaven and they had tended for the neighbor who apparently had been too senile to be genuinely traumatized. The only lesson Jongdae had learned that day was that it was okay to lie to ghosts. Afterwards he had thought about quitting until Yixing had told him to ask Minseok if he could come with him once.  
Of course he understood that the stuff Junmyeon taught him was more practical. Most ghosts could be talked to, but Minseok wasn't sent to most ghosts. When Jongdae had practically begged him to come along, Minseok had not even bothered trying to explain to him what he did. Instead he had almost seemed exasperated as he had put his hand on the chest of a possessed police officer and had pulled the ghost out of it like a wet sheet out of a washing machine.  
"Holy shit, how did you do that?" Jongdae had gasped excitedly when Minseok had shooed at the ghost until it had disappeared. Minseok had only shrugged because things like that clearly were not a big deal to him. In the end Jongdae had learned nothing that day, except that summonings could be exciting. What he had also decided for himself was that, once he got his first own trainee, he would first show them something grand and then teach them all the tedious stuff.

"Wait, you're not Chinese though, are you?" Chanyeol asked curiously. "Because you told me that your name was-."  
"No, well, it's not my real name," Jongdae quickly interrupted him before he could spout even more. "We're not telling clients our real names."  
"How am I your client?" asked the middle-aged man in his dead wife's silk robes. "You just barged into my house and tell me that I'm, what? Possessed by a demon? Wouldn't I know if I was possessed by a demon? And now you make up names, too?"  
Jongdae groaned as he rubbed his temples. He just had spent the last fifteen minutes trying to explain to the ghost of a woman inside a man's body that she was not actually a woman. He had tried to be gentle and understanding and had tried to imagine what Junmyeon would have said, but it did not help to have Chanyeol ask stupid questions. The whole thing already stressed him out.  
"It's our organisation's policy not to tell others our real names," Jongdae explained in as much of a calm voice as he could muster.  
Chanyeol nodded knowingly and then said, "Oh shit. So you mean I shouldn't have told that man my name?"  
"Who are you calling a man?" the man asked and Jongdae covered his eyes for a moment, as if it could make the whole situation disappear. All he wanted was for the ground to open and swallow both the ghost with her husband and Chanyeol.  
"Well, it's too late now anyway and I don't think it matters in this case," he then slowly said. "But I thought Min-... Xiumin-hyung would have explained that to you."  
"Who?" Chanyeol asked innocently and Jongdae honestly wondered whether he was completely dense.   
"That hyung who was supposed to meet you today and who then told me to hang out with you instead."   
He honestly didn't mean to sound as frustrated as he was. It was not Chanyeol's fault that Minseok had ditched him or that Jongdae had no clue how to teach anything to anyone because he himself still was a novice.   
Chanyeol only frowned at him with what seemed to be disappointment and the man-woman cleared his throat. "Well, this has all been very interesting but I would really like you to leave now."  
Jongdae took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second. When he then turned to the possessed man, he still sounded angrier than intended. "Okay, m'am, look, we can't leave, because you're not who you think you are. You're a ghost possessing your husband and if you don't believe me, would you please look down at yourself? Because I'm sure that, last time you checked, you didn't fucking have a penis."

"So..." Chanyeol began when they sat on a plastic bench next to an eerily dark park and drank canned coffee. Jongdae dreaded another question but looked at him anyway to show that he was ready for further explanations. He had inititally been excited to see Minseok's new recruit after all.  
"Is it always like that?" Chanyeol then asked and Jongdae knew what he meant but still felt a little offended. His duties in the office were even more tedious than Junmyeon's. He knew that better than anyone.  
"I mean, it's really mostly like any other job," he then shrugged. "Often you meet ghosts that are just stupid. You make house calls, convince them that they're stupid and then write a report on how stupid the whole endeavor was in as neutral a tone as possible."  
Next to him Chanyeol laughed at that and Jongdae unwillingly smiled too.   
"I also used to work in retail," he then continued and Chanyeol made an apprehensive sound. "And I think it's similar. Like, right now I'm the guy who works in the store and deals with all the regular customers who think that they need a smaller size than actually fits their bodies or who think that they need the most expensive golf club although they're still beginners."  
"Or who want a racing bike although they look like they will put it in their basement and never ride it? Yeah, I know customers like that," Chanyeol said with a grin and Jongdae snapped his finger in approval.   
"Exactly! What a waste of good sporting material."  
It was odd to think about it that way sometimes. Two years ago, when ghosts had started to appear everywhere, he had not really believed that life could ever be normal again. But if he thought about it now, his current everyday life was usually just as boring as everyone else's.   
"But anyway, I'm still new, too, so I normally don't get the really tough customers. You know, the ones who are nasty and don't want to leave until they get to speak to the manager. And sometimes you have to call your in-house security to get rid of them."  
"Minseok-sshi?" Chanyeol asked in a strange tone and leaned back with his coffee.  
"Yeah," Jongdae nodded and wondered what Minseok had done to the companion that even Chanyeol had noticed the difference between him and Jongdae. The companion had even agreed to give Chanyeol every Tuesday night and Sunday afternoon off and, judging by the fact that he looked oddly stable for a ten-year-old ghost, he probably couldn't easily be convinced of anything.  
"Minseok-hyung can do some crazy stuff," he said and took a sip of his coffee. "I don't think he ever argues with any ghost. I mean, he doesn't have to. He can just force them to leave."  
As he said those words, Chanyeol suddenly dropped his coffee and swore under his breath as it clattered along the pavement in front of them. Chanyeol awkwardly cleared his throat and Jongdae frowned at him. He didn't think he had said anything particularly strange.  
But then he wondered whether Chanyeol maybe feared for his companion. Minseok probably wouldn't have mentioned that he had the power to force the companion away without having to make up deals like a divorced parent in a custody battle.  
Jongdae was about to comment on it. There were rules after all and minor hauntings and companionships were not technically against them. Only possessions were.  
But then Chanyeol already quickly changed the topic.   
"So why do you all have Chinese aliases?" he asked with a forced smile.  
At first Jongdae did not mean to take the bait. He wanted to properly explain that Chanyeol's companion was not in any danger unless he broke that one rule. But then he didn't really feel like doing any more of the teaching Minseok was supposed do, so he shook his head in mock exasperation and said, "I didn't say that we all have Chinese aliases. I have one because my Chinese co-worker made it up."  
"Is his family name Chen?" Chanyeol asked and sounded genuinely curious.  
"It's Zhang," Jongdae shrugged. "He said I look like a guy he knew called Chen."  
Chanyeol laughed and Jongdae sighed. He definitely did not feel ready to deal with recruits yet.

They stood in front of the crossroads where they were going to split up. Chanyeol would head off to the bus stop and be reunited with his companion, and Jongdae would go back to the office to type up his report. He was honestly just going to say his goodbyes without another word, when Chanyeol looked at him in a way lost way that immediately made Jongdae feel pity. Chanyeol had expected to meet Minseok after all and instead Jongdae had appeared out of the blue. There were no explanations on how to proceed. And Jongdae couldn't even bring him back to the office to figure things out together with Junmyeon, because Minseok had told him not to.  
"So your next appointment is on Sunday, right?" Jongdae asked helplessly and Chanyeol nodded. "Minseok-hyung hasn't told me what he has planned yet to be honest, but I suppose..." For a moment he paused because he wasn't really sure what to say. He didn't want to lie. "I suppose someone will be there to meet you."  
Chanyeol furrowed his brows at that and Jongdae felt like the worst. He knew how difficult it was in the beginning and how much he himself had clung to Junmyeon at first.  
"Minseok-sshi, is he...?" Chanyeol began but didn't seem sure how to continue for a second. "Is he well?"   
Jongdae knew for a fact that Minseok was not well at all. Something had happened and he wasn't sure whether it was connected to Chanyeol and the decision not to meet him that day. Whatever it was, it had caused Minseok to collapse in the office and to spend the last two days wandering around like a zombie. But he wasn't sure whether he was allowed to talk about that, so he vaguely said, "I think he's a bit under the weather."  
Chanyeol grimaced at that and Jongdae sensed that there was a connection after all.  
"Do you have his number?" Jongdae asked and when Chanyeol put on a troubled expression, he immediately remembered the last time he had tried to contact Minseok. "Oh, right, he rarely picks up, does he? Don't worry, he does that to everyone. It's like he never even thinks of his phone's existence unless there's an emergency. He's like a living antique from the 20th century."  
Chanyeol gave him a half-hearted grin, so he thoughtlessly said, "I suppose I could tell you where he lives."  
It probably was a mistake.  
It definitely was a mistake.  
Minseok was the most secretive person he had ever met and he only even knew his address was because they lived close to each other and often met on their way to work.   
"Oh, you live in that new apartment block next to the hospital, don't you?" Jongdae had asked excitedly one day and Minseok had thrown him the kind of look he expected a stalking victim to throw their stalker.  
But Chanyeol was Minseok's recruit. Minseok himself had made that clear before, when Junmyeon had tried to step in. So it technically shouldn't have been wrong to make sure that a recruit found a way to reach his teacher.

\- the visitors -

When Park Chanyeol stood in front of Minseok's door late at night, his first instinct was to slam the door shut. It wasn't so much Park Chanyeol himself however, as if was the looming presence of the ghost behind him.  
Part of Minseok felt the kind of primeval fear he thought he had shaken forever. Being possessed had been even worse than expected. It had felt like being suffocated and it had taken him a few hours until he had slowly gained back his control. He knew that the ghost would not have returned his body if he had not forced him out. Even though the experience had taught him a lot, it had also wounded something in him and he still picked at the scabs.  
But apart from the fear there also was another feeling.  
He had seen the complete life of the ghost lined out. He had seen him fall off the roof of his school and his dead body surrounded by hundreds of nosy students in their uniforms. He had felt the confusion at the realisation that he had stopped living.  
And he had felt pity to some extent. Death was not easy.   
But death was not an excuse to stalk a living person for selfish reasons.  
So when he saw the ghost of Byun Baekhyun look at him with a detached expression, he felt a strange mix of emotion. He felt disgust and loathing and fear and pity. And he felt sadness for the one who had almost been driven mad by the boy who had jumped.  
"Ah, I'm sorry, I..." Park Chanyeol muttered and Minseok blinked as he shifted his gaze from the ghost to him. "Jongdae told me where you live and I don't want to intrude or anything, but I just wanted to make sure that... I mean..." He trailed off and noisily crumpled a paper bag he held in both his hands. "I mean, are you okay? Because, shit, I told Baekhyun not to eat like a pig but then he did and I hope you didn't get food poisoning or anything?"  
Behind him the ghost let out a disapproving noise but didn't say anything.  
"I'm fine," Minseok said shortly and tried to ignore the ghost although some of the coldness wafted over his doorstep.  
"Right," Park Chanyeol said awkwardly and half turned away and then back, as if not sure what to do. "I mean, that's good then. Because I, uh, I brought herbal tea which I guess is good for your stomach, but if you're fine, then..."  
Minseok sighed. He didn't often get visitors and was not at all prepared. In his apartment, there only was one piece of everything with the exception of the tea set Junmyeon had once given him as a present. So he asked, "Do you want to come in?", and wasn't sure whether he would regret it.  
At least it would spare him the presence of the ghost because only the living could cross his doorstep.


	7. reckless decisions

\- the ones on the sideline -

"Are the others already home?" Jongdae asked as he peeled himself out of his coat and looked at Junmyeon who seemed very much in thought while he browsed through a website showing nothing but electric kettles. "Are you trying to find a way to cook even more tea in one go?" he asked, mainly to check if Junmyeon actually listened.  
"The kettle in the kitchen keeps leaking," Junmyeon said absent-mindedly and probably had only tuned in for the last question. The word 'tea' must have caught his attention. "I don't want anyone to die of an electric shock and it's probably cheaper to buy a new one rather than to try and repair the old one."  
"Right," Jongdae said with a grin and turned on his monitor while he let himself flop on his desk chair. While he typed in his password, he quietly added, "You're the only one using the kettle though."  
For a moment he thought that Junmyeon was not going to reply. There were times when he suspected that either Junmyeon had been bullied as a child or had grown up in a group of stiff elites whose idea of a joke was to laugh at falling real estate prices. Either way, he was quite good at ignoring any form of teasing.  
But then, when Jongdae started to look through his emails, Junmyeon said, "Believe it or not, but I can die of electric shocks, too." It was almost sassy for him and Jongdae meant to retort something but then only managed to laugh.  
"And yes," Junmyeon then added. "Yixing had something to do and Minseok-hyung went home because I told him to."  
Jongdae made an apprehensive noise at that and swivelled around in his chair. Yixing going home early was nothing new because they all knew that he hated to be out in the dark. Fear was not exactly something they could judge. But... "Minseok-hyung must really be sick if he actually listened to you."  
Junmyeon threw him a quick exasperated glance but didn't say anything in return. He had probably used up his amount of sarcasm for the day, so instead he asked, "So how did the summoning go?"  
Jongdae sighed because he wasn't really sure how to phrase it. The summoning itself had been ridiculous and the conversation with Chanyeol afterwards had been a little awkward. All in all, it wasn't really one of his proudest memories and he dreaded the thought of having to write his report. So rather than to go into detail on the actual summoning, he shrugged, "To be honest, I'm not sure what I expected, but the guy was totally ordinary."  
Of course it had been a little uncomfortable to enter the bike shop and introduce himself while the companion had stared at him as if he had come to murder them. But he had been to worse summonings and once the companion had left, Chanyeol really had not been all that special. He had seen less and heard less and felt less and understood less than any other person haunted by ghosts Jongdae had ever met before.   
Junmyeon looked at him as though he waited for the point he was trying to make, so he continued, "I mean, don't you think that the way Minseok-hyung acted was a little strange? Maybe I'm not experienced enough or whatever, but I never thought he would care about anything other than finding ways to finish summonings even faster. And suddenly he has a recruit and wants to do everything himself? And then he reads the stuff about summoners being possessed and gets sick and doesn't want to meet the recruit? I mean, am I missing something here?"  
Junmyeon frowned at him for a second and then his eyes widened a little. For some reason Jongdae had believed Junmyeon would be able to produce a completely rational explanation for the whole thing. Junmyeon usually knew everything and even if his decision was to let Minseok do the work, he always had a good reason. But suddenly he seemed alarmed and Jongdae felt even uneasier. It had only occurred to him on his way back that maybe Minseok was in the middle of doing something reckless.  
"You don't mean..." Junmyeon slowly began and Jongdae shrugged.  
"I honestly don't know what I mean."  
Junmyeon looked at him for a second longer and then turned away. His aghast expression made it obvious that his mind was racing.  
"Do you think he maybe got possessed after all?" Jongdae asked quietly. The moment the words left his mouth, he understood the terror behind them and that they probably were true. "But why? Why would he even think of doing that to himself? He can get rid of them without going through all that trouble."  
Junmyeon pressed his lips together and threw him the kind of helpless glance Jongdae had never seen on him.

\- home invasion - 

Kim Minseok's apartment was extremely small and as he had closed his door between them and the world outside, Chanyeol had almost felt locked in. When he had realized that Baekhyun didn't follow him, he had panicked a little because it had felt wrong. Baekhyun had already stayed away all evening when Chanyeol had met Jongdae.  
"He can't enter," Minseok had explained in an oddly distant tone and had nodded at a few pieces of paper with Chinese writing on them that were stuck to the door frame. "Those are protective charms."  
After that he had opened the package with tea Chanyeol had brought and had gestured at him to take a seat on the only chair next to a small table in a built-in kitchen. It had all already started completely wrong, so as Chanyeol sat in the much too small and much too quiet room, all he wanted was to flee. He had definitely gone too far and felt oddly insecure at the thought that Baekhyun was outside and couldn't come in. After Sunday they had not really talked, but his presence still felt oddly comforting.   
As Minseok rummaged through the kitchen, Chanyeol fumbled with the hem of his sleeve and let his gaze wander. The room looked perfectly neat and almost a little like something out of an interior catalogue. The walls were bleached and all the funiture had the same dark tones. There were small shelves with neatly arranged books and boxes and a closet and a bed with light grey sheets and a window with curtains in a grey pattern. But there were small signs that it wasn't quite a regular room. There were crucifixes and more charms with Chinese letters and others in languages Chanyeol couldn't identify. It was a little like being in the house of a fashionable occultist and he figured that that probably was a way to describe Minseok. Meeting him had thrown Chanyeol into a world of shamans working in restaurants and exorcists comparing themselves to salesmen and words he had never heard in serious conversations.   
But as confusing as it all was, the room was perfectly calm. As Chanyeol listened to the ticking of the clock at the wall, he realized how much of a background noise the ghosts normally created.   
Minseok must have noticed him staring at a rosary hanging from the curtain rail because he said from the kitchen, "It's not so much about the religion as it is about the intention of the person creating the charm."  
Chanyeol looked at him curiously. Minseok gazed at the window and the rosary while he leaned against the kitchen counter behind him and put his arms around his body. The water boiled in a metal pot to his right and he wrinkled his nose as he turned to it. It was as if he made sure that their eyes wouldn't meet.  
"I never even thought about getting charms," Chanyeol admitted and Minseok threw a quick glance in his direction before he used a laddle to put the hot water in a fancy-looking tea pot. It was an odd combination and Chanyeol wondered whether Minseok never actually drank tea. Tea probably was a thoughtless present. His sister had convinced him that it would be a good idea but she had also been under the impression that he secretly had a date.  
"I wish someone had told me earlier about all this stuff," he added and meant it as a joke but realized that it probably sounded accusatory. The more he found out about the Office, the more he wondered why they had only approached him now. He thought it had been his mistake, but Jongdae said he had been asked to join without any prior mishaps.   
When Minseok put the tea pot and two cups on the table, he remained silent but clearly looked uncomfortable. He was the last one who needed to feel guilty, so Chanyeol forced a smile on his face and asked, "So have you been doing this for long?"  
He immediately realized that the question maybe was too private because Minseok only pressed his lips together as he walked back to the kitchen and brought a low stool he probably normally used to reach the higher shelves.  
"Oh, do you want me to...?" Chanyeol quickly asked and jumped off his chair to motion Minseok to sit there instead. Minseok gave him a quick smile in return and shook his head as he grabbed a cardigan from a shelf behind him and sat down on the stool.   
It was only then that Chanyeol felt as though he really saw him. Minseok looked tired. His feet were bare and his hair was slightly wet and as he put on the cardigan, Chanyeol realized how thin the shirt below really was. As he sat on the chair as if on a throne, he felt even more like an intruder.  
"Sorry," he said and Minseok finally threw him a glance. "I suppose I really shouldn't have come. I mean, it's late and Jongdae said you're not feeling that well and I..." He trailed off because he wasn't sure what he tried to say. He wasn't sure what he even wanted. "I should really apologize for Sunday. I should have stopped him. He shouldn't have-."  
Minseok swiftly put his hand on his arm on the table and Chanyeol stopped. He didn't know why it still overwhelmed him so much. The simple feeling of warm skin.  
"Don't apologize for the things he does," Minseok said and then awkwardly retreated his hand when he noticed Chanyeol staring at it. For a moment it seemed as though he was not going to say more while he poured the tea into the cups and pushed one at Chanyeol. But then he took a deep sigh and put his fingers around his cup as he said, "I was eleven when they found me."  
Chanyeol must have looked at him in confusion because he added, "That was when I joined the Office. I've been doing this for seventeen years."  
It took a while for Chanyeol to process the words. Seventeen years earlier he himself had played hide-and-seek with the kids in his neighborhoods and had thrown eggs at Kim Saebyul's window to annoy her. To think that someone barely older than himself would have seen ghosts all around him at that age was terrifying, but all he managed to say was, "Shit."  
He wanted to ask more, ask whether it ever got easier and what it had been like, but Minseok quickly changed the topic. "Did you get along with Jongdae?"  
"Oh," Chanyeol said a little off guard. "Yeah. I guess." He had got along with Jongdae but somehow didn't want to give the impression that he would prefer to meet him twice a week.   
Minseok nodded at that and put up his tea cup to blow on it and take a small sip.   
Chanyeol badly wanted to crack a joke to make the whole disjointed conversation less awkward. Jokes always worked great on customers and on his family members whenever they questioned him on anything. But whenever he met Minseok, everything felt so grave that every word seemed to count. The jokes inevitably got stuck in his throat.  
So instead he asked, "Will you be there on Sunday?", and hated how desperate he sounded.  
He held his breath for a moment when Minseok looked at him with a strange expression and immediately dreaded the answer. Of course he would be glad to be helped by anyone. Talking to someone like Jongdae was still better than talking to no one at all. He understood that much.  
But part of him also knew that he maybe wouldn't even have reached that conclusion if anyone else had approached him. Minseok had listened to him even when Baekhyun had kept insulting him. He had tried to give Chanyeol the choice between different paths and had then sacrificed himself to give him time. And even after all that, he had still opened his door for him.   
It did make a difference and he could feel the blood rushing through his veins, when Minseok finally gave him a weak smile and said, "I will."

\- the second deal -

"I have a proposition to make," Baekhyun said with a voice that sounded unnatural even to him. Without Chanyeol around, he sometimes found himself becoming even less human. He floated and his shape shifted and his voice sounded like a train rushing by. He could tell that Kim Minseok noticed these things, too, because he stared at him with blatant hostility. Kim Minseok hated ghosts more than anything.  
Rather than to immediately reply Kim Minseok looked around himself to see whether there was anyone to overhear them. He had just stepped out of his apartment block but it already was so late in the day that the morning rush had passed.  
"I don't believe you're in the position to make propositions," he then said coldly. His tone was similar to the way it had been on that first day when he had barged into the bike shop. After that he had realized his mistake and spoken to Chanyeol in the fake saintly tone that had eventually swayed him. Kim Minseok was smarter than he looked.  
"Yeah, well, and I don't believe you should be so judgemental before you heard what I have to say," Baekhyun grinned. It clearly rubbed Kim Minseok the wrong way.  
"See, the thing is, I know that you've seen my whole life flash in front of you when I possessed you." He snapped his fingers but there was no sound and Kim Minseok raised his eyebrow. "But you should understand that it went both ways. You know all about me. I know all about you."  
He was sure that Kim Minseok would have realized that but he still looked startled. Baekhyun remembered exactly what it had felt like when Kim Minseok had slowly gained back control like a sleeping dragon. It had been easy to walk around in his body at first but at some point he had felt him tucking at the back of his mind. But Kim Minseok had not been used to it, so maybe he really didn't know the extent of what Baekyhun had done to him.  
"What I'm trying to say is that I know exactly why you did it," Baekhyun continued while Kim Minseok stared at him warily. "So maybe Chanyeol thinks you're a good samaritan. I know better. You simply tried to find a loophole."  
He knew that he was on the right track when Kim Minseok flinched a little.  
"You're not allowed to harm me unless I harm anyone else, right? So you thought that maybe you could get me addicted. You thought that maybe I would end up liking possessing so much that I would try to do it again. And then you'd be allowed to kill me without anyone asking any questions."  
Kim Minseok sighed but lifted the corner of his mouth a little.  
"You're not human," he said in his eerily quiet voice. "You can't be killed."  
It was just a different choice of words. Exorcists weren't supposed to be able to kill but Kim Minseok could do that. But he didn't even allow Baekhyun that much humanity. He didn't think of it as killing. He thought of it as destroying him.  
"The point is," Baekhyun said emphatically. "I know that, while I was inside you, you figured out how easy it would be to kill me right then. But again, you gave me your permission and you always follow the rules, so you couldn't. So this is where my proposition starts."  
Kim Minseok seemed to sense what he was going to say and half turned away, so Baekhyun quickly said, "Lend me your body one more time."  
Kim Minseok shook his head and attempted to walk away.  
"This is all an experiment to you anyway, isn't it?" Baekhyun asked when Minseok already was a few steps away. "No matter what you do, you're never satisfied. Your hatred never goes away, no matter how many ghosts you kill. This would be a new experience. A new way to quench your bloodlust."  
Kim Minseok let out a toneless laugh but stopped and Baekhyun caught up to him. Kim Minseok's gaze was filled filled with hostility but also with what seemed to be curiosity.  
"What I'm trying to say is that we could both benefit," Baekhyun said calmly. "You were right. I want to feel what I felt again. And I don't just want to possess anyone without their permission. I need you specifically."  
Kim Minseok raised his eyebrow at him and he didn't want to admit it but felt that honesty was the key here, so he explained, "I need you specifically because he's attracted to you."  
At first Kim Minseok just frowned at him but then his eyes widened when he finally understood what he meant. He didn't want another day of wandering around in a body he didn't understand and without any idea what to do. The first time had felt wrong because Chanyeol had hated it and had only seen Kim Minseok. It had not worked because Kim Minseok had eventually resisted.  
"You're crazy," Kim Minseok gasped and Baekhyun unwillingly laughed.   
"Not crazier than the person who still listens to me," he shrugged.  
"It wouldn't work," Kim Minseok said as if it was a debate he couldn't avoid. All he had to do was force Baekhyun to shut up and leave. But Baekhyun knew him better than he knew himself. He knew that Kim Minseok was consumed by hatred and fear and loneliness that constantly clawed at him. That ultimately was his weakness. He was desperate for any opportunity to break free.  
"It would work if you got him drunk enough," Baekhyun noted and Kim Minseok looked at him in genuine horror.  
"Look, I know that you know that I died right after I confessed to him," he then continued and there was hint of pity mixed into Kim Minseok's expression. "This isn't a scheme. I know you can kill me. I especially want you to do this because I know you can kill me before I can harm anyone else and because I know that he trusts you. I just want one more chance. That's my proposition. Let me use you and then you can kill me however you want."  
Kim Minseok just sighed.


	8. the price of affection

\- the son who got left behind -

Luhan had only just turned twelve when his father had died while inspecting a construction site. He had been impaled by a metal rod that had entered through his neck. It had been impossibe to save him but he had not died instantly. Instead, he had bled to death in excruciating pain. Luhan knew that because his father's co-workers had told him and his mother every single detail. It had taken him years to understand that they had not done it to hurt them but because the experience had scarred them, too.   
In response, his mother had never really stopped crying for thirteen months and had slowly lost her mind.  
Then, about a month after her husband's death anniversary, she had stabbed Luhan and then herself. Like her husband, she had bled to death.  
Luhan, too, could have died then. He could have stayed in his mother's arms and felt his and her blood soaking his skin. But instead he had crawled out of their apartment and cried and cried until the kind elderly woman next door had found him and brought him to a hospital.  
As a child he had wanted to live but as an adult he sometimes wasn't so sure anymore.  
Sometimes he found himself staring at the scar on his chest and wondered.  
Had it really been worth it?  
He had been so close to death that he had seen the whole world of souls in his last moments before passing out. He had seen them all, all the ghosts, young and forgotten and ancient and strong. He had felt nirvana tingling on his skin.  
But then he had woken up in the hospital and the delirious ghost of his mother had screamed at him to die.  
Had it been worth it?   
He didn't know. 

"They allowed me to train someone," Minseok said while he awkwardly twisted his fork to pick up his spaghetti, and Luhan choked on the red wine he had taken a sip of. Minseok always had the worst timing.  
"What?" he gasped when he finally caught his breath. Rather than to respond, Minseok just continued to twist his fork and then bend down low over his plate to stuff them in his mouth. He was terrible with Western food and Western table manners and Luhan probably shouldn't have brought him to an Italian restaurant of all places. It had only occurred to him when Minseok had stared at the fork for a few moments too long. There was a story with a fork somewhere hidden in the past.   
But really, the whole evening had started strange and he had not thought straight. As children they had been best friends, but lately they only met during work-relared events. In fact, sometimes his friendship with Minseok was almost as much of a half-forgotten story as his life before they had shipped him off to Korea as a child. Rather than to worry about Minseok, the boy he had screamed at the world with, he worried about the news Minseok, senior member of the Northern branch of the Office, would bring.  
"What do you mean, they allowed it?" he asked with furrowed brows when Minseok refused to volunteer further information. "Did you ask them to?"   
This time Minseok threw him a bashful glance and he nearly dropped his own fork in disbelief. Minseok was supposed to understand these things better than anyone.   
There were summoners who could train new recruits, summoners that were deemed stable enough because of their age and the circumstances in the moment when something had broken in them. Wu Yifan could train others because he had been nineteen when two of his acquaintances had been shot to death while he had survived after a bullet had grazed his shoulder. There always was guilt involved but it changed the more emotionally involved the person was.   
Luhan would never be chosen as a mentor because he had been a child when the person he had loved the most in the world had tried to end his life. The consquences of that could never be erased of forgotten because they were what made him who he now was. And for Minseok it was no different. That was ultimately why they had never been asked to train others. They simply were too broken. Broken far beyond repair but functional enough to still be able to play the same old melody.  
"But why?" he asked and noticed how accusatory he sounded. Minseok bit his lips and stared at the fork in his hand like a scolded child. This was not what their friendship was supposed to be like. Them against the rest of the world. That was what they had believed as children.  
Luhan wanted to say something to loosen up the situation, when Minseok finally said in a hushed voice, "I did it to end another case study. They were doing it again, just to see how far they could go with it."  
He didn't specify it, but Luhan knew what he meant. It happened sometimes. They watched a rogue ghost and made a summoner write down their findings to complete the archives. It was cruel but necessary and Luhan would not have minded discussing these issues with anyone but Minseok. He himself had watched a child possessing her little sister before and had only been allowed to step in, when the mother had finally understood the situation. But Minseok wasn't rational about these things and Luhan knew he couldn't argue. Minseok's files, too, were locked away somwhere to set a precedent. He probably would have seen ghosts whether they had intervened earlier or not, but what remained was that fact that he had been one of the case studies he hated so much.  
"So how is it going?" Luhan asked because he wasn't sure what else to say. There was a suspicion budding at the back of his mind, but he knew that Minseok probably wouldn't have come to meet him unless he had something he wanted to get off his chest.  
"I'm not sure," Minseok said vaguely and accidentally cause the fork to make a screeching noise as he dragged it over his plate. He flinched at the noise and Luhan sighed. He remembered now. The story with the fork Minseok had told him before. When he had disobeyed his mother's words and used a fork despite being told not to, she had stabbed his leg with it. There still was a scar above his knee. Back when they had been younger, Luhan had sometimes stared at it and wondered if that was what made them different from everyone else. They both had scars of love.  
Minseok finally set his fork down on the table with a clunk and the conversation halted. Luhan wondered when their conversations had become so difficult. They had been fifteen when they had met and back then Minseok had not been awfully communicative either, but at least they had found common ground. But lately it was all about work. Work, work, work. As if they resented each other for knowing each other's secrets in an organisation in which secrecy was the key to survival.  
"Do you hate your mother?" Minseok suddenly asked into the silence and again, Luhan choked, this time on his breath.  
"What?" he asked with wide eyes.   
"I sometimes think about it," Minseok shrugged casually but his expression was solemn. "Would I still hate her if things had been a little different?"

\- the missing answer -

Ten years earlier a question had appeared in Chanyeol's life but before he had been able to find an answer to it, everything had spun out of control. The question had killed Baekhyun. The question had broken him. And at some point he had started to run from it.   
But it lingered.  
It always lingered.  
"I heard from Saebyul's aunt that she's going back to America soon," his mother said while she chopped onions. "Have you talked to her lately?"  
He thought about it. Thought about the time when they had last met and when he had tried to cling to an old feeling. The feeling of her skin was still recent but it was not at all how he had remembered it. There was nothing left but a faint memory of the boy who had liked her so much, he had thought about her all day.  
"They like the idea of you liking her. And you like the idea of them being happy about you liking her. That's all it fucking is," Baekhyun had once said while their legs had dangled out of the window of their classroom. "You don't really care that she's gone. You care because you don't have a girlfriend to show around anymore. It's all just a game of pretend to you."  
Baekhyun had been angry then and Chanyeol had not understood why.  
Somehow that memory was a lot clearer than all the memories of Kim Saebyul.  
"Was it fun?" Baekhyun had asked when Chanyeol had held his head under a rusty water tap in a park early in the morning. He had felt sick and his nose was still filled with the smell of cats and laundry detergent that had filled the apartment of the woman he had spent the night with. He had only recently turned twenty and she had obviously been much older. And yet, when she had flirted with him in the shithole of a bar his last few remaining high school friends had dragged him to, he had gone with her.  
His friends had cheered because she had been hot.  
"I mean, did that satisfy your needs and everything?" Baekhyun had asked angrily and coldness had washed over Chanyeol as if he had fallen into the ocean during winter. "Truth to be told, it was like watching one of those animal documentaries which totally gross you out but at the same time it's hard to look away, if you know what I mean? Lions mating in the savanna. That kind of shit."  
"Just shut up," Chanyeol had muttered.   
It was all he ever managed to say.  
With twenty-two he had dated a girl who had worked in the coffee shop across the road from his shop. They had spent a few lunch breaks in the small park behind the bank. He had liked the way they looked holding hands in the windows of the department store on their way there. When he had slept with her in a musky hotel, she had squealed like a pig and Baekhyun's laughter had filled the room.  
"Shut up," he had muttered as he had rushed back to the shop after he had broken up with her a day after she had asked him to meet her parents. Baekhyun had not even said anything. He had only looked at him as though he knew something Chanyeol didn't.  
"Shut up," Chanyeol had said when he had been twenty-three and had barely been able to walk straight. He had made out with a girl who had eventually thrown up over his shoes and he had felt disgusted with himself. Baekhyun had merely been a vague shape then.  
"Just shut up, okay?" Chanyeol said whenever his head was about to burst because he had drunk too much the previous night.   
He wasn't sure when he had picked up the habit but drinking made it easier sometimes. Drinking allowed him to flirt and to make out and to feel at least a little normal. Drinking was the only way to censor Baekhyun who constantly judged him for every step he took.  
They never talked about it, not really. None of them ever put into words why Baekhyun had died.  
Because to acknowledge why Baekhyun was there, always brought back the question.  
The damn question that had started the whole misery.

"What is he to you?" Baekhyun had asked when Chanyeol had left Kim Minseok's apartment and had leaned against the wall of the elevator.  
It wasn't the original question but it was close.  
"I don't know," Chanyeol had said.   
He had not wanted to think about it. Too many thoughts could ruin it. Too many thoughts always ruined everything.

But then the answer left his mouth before his brain could really follow.  
He was drunk, so drunk that all the lights around him became a mayhem of color while the world was turning around him. Why they had drunk so much he couldn't remember. There had been important lessons at some earlier point during the day but all he remembered were fragments. The stained windows of an old café and white cups and Kim Minseok glancing at an old clock behind the counter. Their hands had brushed when they had both attempted to pick up the bill and Minseok had looked at him curiously. His sweater was dark grey and as monochromatic as the rest of his apartment and that knowledge had stirred something in Chanyeol. Grey curtains and grey sheets in a room where no one could see them.  
They had entered a crowded restaurant that smelled of liquor and grease and cigarette smoke and he had protested at first but then Minseok had poured him a drink and he had felt relieved because he had known that Baekhyun was going to watch. The more crowded the place had become, the more they had huddled together until their shoulder had constantly brushed.  
Minseok's frowns had turned into smiles. Shy smiles. Nervous smiles. Broad smiles. Drunk smiles.  
On their way out, a group of men in suits had only just entered and pushed them closer together.  
"Sorry," Chanyeol had said while he had tried not to squish Minseok between himself and the doorframe. Minseok had looked up to him and then tugged at his collar to force him to bend forward a little further.  
"Can you still hear the ghosts?" he had whispered into his ear and his warm breath had tingled on Chanyeol's skin.  
They had been close, oh, so close. Closer than Chanyeol had ever seemed to anyone. Despite all the smells of the restaurant, he smelled the faint scent of Minseok. The scent that had filled his home. The scent that had made it seem as though life could be simple and clean and warm if he only wanted it to be.  
"I can only hear you," Chanyeol had muttered like an idiot and Minseok had grinned at him while he had pulled him outside where the coldness of the night had met them.  
It didn't feel like anything he ever felt before.  
He had kissed before. He had been with women before. He had done everything he thought was expected of him and had never realized that all he had ever done was to widen the void inside him.  
None of his experiences seemed real in comparison to the way it felt when Minseok pulled him close and when their lips touched. His heart had never beaten so violently that he could hear his flood rushing in his ears.  
He didn't care where he was. All that mattered was the way warm skin felt against his.  
And then the answer broke out of him.  
"Shit, I think..." he muttered into the crook of Minseok's neck. "I think I really like you."  
And it ruined everything.  
"Damn it," Minseok gasped in a strangled voice and Chanyeol backed off when he noticed Minseok's breath speeding up rapidly. Minseok quickly freed himself and awkwardly lifted his hand to his chest as if in pain. It all happened so suddenly that Chanyeol wasn't sure what to do. Minseok faintly whimpered and pulled at his shirt as if it suffocated him. He pulled and pulled and quietly swore as he crouched down and finally burried his face in his hands.  
"Minseok-sshi...?" Chanyeol asked. His voice came out as a pathetic croak.  
"I'm sorry," Minseok said in a strange tone. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done this. I should never have done this."  
And Chanyeol felt a strange sense of déjà-vue.

\- the son who tries -

"I never really hated her," Luhan said slowly because he wasn't sure what kind of answer Minseok hoped to hear. "It wouldn't be fair to hate someone for something they couldn't control."  
"She tried to kill you," Minseok noted and ran his finger along the edge of the table. He acted oblivious but whatever he tried to get at, Luhan could literally see the gears turning in his head.  
"She did," Luhan nodded. They had this discussion before because, despite everything, this was the point that set them apart. Luhan had come to terms with what his mother had done. Minseok still blamed his. "Because she didn't have the will to live and she didn't want to leave me behind. I can't hate her when she only wanted to do what was best for me. Even if it was twisted."  
"I still don't understand it," Minseok said apathetically and stared at his hand as he balled it into a fist on the table.  
Luhan sighed. He wasn't sure what to say. They were alive so obviously they couldn't understand it. The living were not supposed to understand what it truly was like for those who had passed away. Even if they could see glimpses of the world beyond, they were still alive, still breathing, still able to touch and feel. Not to be able to understand was a privilege in its own right. But this wasn't the first time they had this discussion and he knew that Minseok didn't care much for his arguments.  
"I got possessed a few days ago," Minseok said in the same indifferent tone and Luhan blinked at him because he didn't immediately comprehend what he meant.  
"What?" he asked while Minseok clearly avoided to look at him.  
"I think I made a mistake. I got possessed and still don't understand it but..." he began and then trailed off.  
Luhan eyes widened but he was unable to say anything. Minseok was different. Minseok had always been different but sometimes he forgot about it. After all, they both worked for the same organisation, had the same tasks, had spent most of their teenage years together.   
But something about Minseok would always be more aloof.  
"I never knew how much they could still feel," Minseok said and furrowed his brows. "I thought they were just hollow memories. I thought that they were the remains of old ideas and old wishes and that they could not have actual feelings of their own. And suddenly I..." He scoffed and rubbed his temples as if in pain. "Suddenly I wonder if I maybe shouldn't have ended her."


	9. the mistakes of one individual

\- honesty -

"Was that you?" Chanyeol asked into the twilight of the room. The house was still completely silent. The sun had not yet risen. Outside he heard a car in the distance, inside he heard the ticking of his alarm clock. He still felt dizzy and as he looked at the red light of the smoke detector above him, it danced in front of his eyes. But he was also sober enough to feel Baekhyun staring at him in the dark.   
"Was I what?" Baekhyun asked with a voice like the soft rustling of the wind in the trees.  
"The one trying to make out with me. Was that you?" Chanyeol asked and his voice sounded hard and foreign in the dark. They had never talked about this. Had never specified it or any of the wishes any of them might have had back when they had both still been alive. But to meet Kim Minseok had messed up that tacid agreement.  
"What do you want me to say now?" Baekhyun asked in an even voice and Chanyeol angrily sat up, only to feel dizzier than ever. Gravity pulled down his head as if it was made out of lead. Baekhyun was just a vague shape in the flimsy darkness.  
"What I don't want is you talking like a fucking politician," he said while he rubbed his face. "Reply to a question with another question? Fuck you. Just don't fucking lie. Was that you or was it him?"   
The words burst out of him with a ferocity that startled him a little. He was mad. He was frustrated. He was disappointed. He had always believed that he was able to cope but he couldn't this time. He had staggered back home after slightly sobering up on the entrance stairs of an office building where Kim Minseok had buried his head between his knees for what felt like an eternity. He had felt more useless than ever because he had not understood a single thing. And as he had eventually opened his front door and finally sensed Baekhyun's presence, a realisation had hit him and had spread in his veins like venom.  
"That was me," Baekhyun said in a flat voice and Chanyeol unwillingly slapped his own forehead. He was a complete idiot.  
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he unwillingly muttered under his breath and even as the words left his mouth, he wasn't sure whether they were directed at himself or Baekhyun. He should have seen it coming. He should have sensed that something had been off.  
"Yeah, well, he's hardly a damsel in distress, is he?" Baekhyun said meekly. "You know the guy. If he wanted to-."  
"What the fuck, Baekhyun?" Chanyeol interrupted him and stared at his shape in bafflement. A shadow in a room full of darkness. "What is even going on inside your head? Is there nothing but a pile of shit in there? Because that's what it fucking sounds like to me."  
Baekhyun let out a short laugh and he pressed his lips together. Swearing was not going to help him, he understood that much. But he also wasn't sure how much more he wanted to hear. Nothing would change the fact that he had been betrayed. Worse even. He had been used.  
"I get that you're embarrassed," Baekhyun began and Chanyeol interrupted him.  
"Embarrassed? Are you fucking kidding me?" he scoffed. "Why do I have to be the one who is embarrassed? Why do I have to be assaulted because you couldn't fucking take no for an answer when we were kids and then jumped off the roof? You're ruining my life because I was sixteen and couldn't deal with your shit and now I'm the one who has to feel embarrassed because there's one good thing in my life and you fucking had to go and ruin that, too? Because you just can't fucking leave me alone? I made one mistake but you just can't let it go. You wanted to die and I have to suffer for it."  
He didn't realize how much he had raised his voice until he heard his sister stirring in her bed next door. There was a groan and mumbling and the creaking of her old bedframe. And then there was nothing but heavy silence. It was only then that he realized what he had said and dread washed over him.  
He had thought these things before. There were thousands of silent monologues he had amassed over the years, constantly perfecting his ultimate speech. But he had never voiced his thoughts because he was alive and Baekhyun wasn't. Because it wasn't fair. Because things would have been different if only he had stopped him. If only he had been more sensitive and less confused about what he even wanted.  
"I'm only here because you..." Baekhyun quietly began and sounded oddly distant and uncertain.   
"Because I what?" Chanyeol asked impatiently and then immediately felt scared of the answer. Baekhyun had never blamed him directly but he had answered the question for himself over and over again. Baekhyun was there because he had killed him. Because it was his fault. Because he deserved to suffer.   
"Because I was there when you..." Baekhyun continued and clearly wavered. There was a strange tone to his voice, like the wind rattling an old house at night. He didn't finish the sentence, as though he feared it.  
Chanyeol blinked and then a sudden suspicions chilled his bones. He unwillingly touched his wrist.  
This was the part he had never wanted to talk about again. It had never appeared in any of the monologues he had repeated over and over again in mind mind whole he lay awake at night. He didn't want to remember the dull panic he had felt when his sister has found him in the bathroom, his blood covering the tiles and soaking the bathmat. He didn't want to admit that his biggest regret was that moment of weakness because it had broken everything. His relationship to his family would never be normal again because he knew that they constantly feared that he could do it again.  
He wanted to lie about it.  
He wanted to pretend that the moment was unconnected to everything else.  
But then it slowly damned to him. His unwillingness to just talk about it had maybe caused even more misunderstandings. Maybe Baekhyun intentions were different from what he had believed all this time.  
"I could hear you even before I... did that," Chanyeol quietly said. "My best friend had died and everybody looked at me with pity and anger because they knew we had argued. And then I heard voices and I thought I was losing it. I wasn't thinking straight. I just wanted it all to stop."  
He had never thought that it would make a difference but once he had voiced them, his words felt incredibly heavy. Baekhyun said nothing in return. There only was faint noise like static.  
"I mean, you see me every day and not everything is great but despite all that, I..." He folded his hands in his laps and stared down at them on his light blanket. "I don't want to die."  
There was an apprehensive sound.  
And then there was a long pause in which Chanyeol felt coldness spread through the room.  
Now that he had said everything there was to say, his own mind felt empty.  
"The one good thing in your life..." Baekhyun then began in a whisper and Chanyeol looked up. "Is it Kim Minseok?"  
Chanyeol's eyes widened. "No," he said quickly. "That's not what I..."  
"I didn't meant to ruin anything," Baekhyun continued as if in trance. "I can still make it right. I'll talk to him. I just need to-."  
"No! Don't! Don't talk to him!" Chanyeol interrupted him and jumped up as if he had a way to actually stop him. Like an idiot he waved his arm into the darkness of his room and winced when he accidentally slapped his hand against his bookshelf. But there was no coldness, no sign that Baekhyun still was there.

\- secrets -

In human society there was nothing more powerful than knowledge. It was a currency in its own right. Hidden knowledge could allow an individual control over their own lives. Uncovered knowledge could be used as a weapon against others.   
Minseok knew that. He knew it because he had learnt it the hard way. As a child all kinds of knowledge had been kept from him by a mother who had raised him in secret. With eleven, when the people from the Office had finally found him, he had not been able to read or write and had rarely spoken to anyone but her. Like an animal that had never been in human contact before, he had not seen them as predators and had naively told them everything. They had made notes but he had not understood the purpose until he had been old enough to find his file in the archives. His secrets were a closed file. They were words that were withheld from most people although he had so willingly shared them.  
It had taken him years to really understand. The moment he allowed someone else to know something about him, he gave them power over him. So he had stopped sharing.  
But the existence of Park Chanyeol had changed that.   
Suddenly he found himself losing control over what the people around him knew. 

Luhan had tried to call at least a dozen times but Minseok had managed to ignore him. Then, close to midnight on Sunday, when he dripped on the floor after nearly passing out in the shower, he sat with his head on the surface of the kitchen table and mechanically picked up.  
"Minseok-ah," Luhan's surprised voice said and it obviously took him a while until he cleared his thoughts. Minseok, too tired to say or do anything, turned his head and lay the phone on his ear while staring at the fridge.   
"Look, I know it's none of my business but," Luhan began and Minseok immediately drowned out his voice. He was drunk and dizzy and barely managed to keep his eyes open, so he didn't feel like arguing.  
When there was a long pause as though Luhan waited for a response, he muttered, "I'm going to hang up now."  
He fumbled with the phone, dropped it, simply left it where it was and then nodded off at the table. The sun already rose outside when he woke up, turned off all the lights and dragged himself to bed.

The next morning he found Byun Baekhyun in front of his door and felt the strong wish to just shut it again.   
"What the fuck did you do that for?" Byun Baekhyun began impolitely. "I thought we had a deal. You have no fucking idea what you have done. It all went to shit because of you."  
Minseok sighed and then furrowed his brows. What bothered him the most was that his first impulse wasn't to think of him as 'a ghost' or 'the companion' but simply as 'Byun Baekhyun'. As if he still was human.  
He tried to say more, but Minseok put up his hand in front of him and spread out his fingers. When Byun Baekhyun halted his tirade and looked at him warily, Minseok swiftly balled his hands into a fist. Byun Baekhyun clearly understood the gesture. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't continue his rant.  
After that he followed him, but Minseok pretended not to notice the coldness tingling his back. He would not allow a ghost to have the upper hand.

And really, it would have been fine if not for Jongdae who appeared out of nowhere at the station.  
"Morning, hyung," he said cheerfully and then frowned at a spot behind him. "Uh, I think you're being followed."  
Minseok nodded at him and continued his way towards the platform. Jongdae walked next to him but kept throwing nervous looks at Byun Baekhyun. He obviously recognized him because Minseok had been stupid enough to allow them to meet.  
"I think he's trying to say something," Jongdae noted and Minseok shrugged as he entered the crowded train. Byun Baekhyun stayed with them for a few stations but then disappeared eventually. It probably was too alluring. In a packed train he couldn't avoid passing through other people and he now knew what it was like to possess. Minseok had learned enough about him to understand that he would not easily become addicted to it. He had morals, almost like a person.

"Hyung, I'm free tomorrow night," Jongdae suddenly said when they stood at the crossroads in front of the office.   
Minseok threw him a questioning glance, so he quickly added, "You know, in case you need me to jump in tomorrow. I mean, if you're not feeling well or anything." The way he said it, made it clear that he thought he understood something. Minseok probably looked sick.   
"No need," he said dismissively because it also hit him that he had to figure out what to do about Park Chanyeol.  
He probably came off as rude but it the whole situation bothered him. It bothered him immensely. He had given Jongdae only a small amount of information but it already was too much. 

He only spent a few minutes in the office before he went on his neighborhood rounds for the rest of the day.  
Luhan tried to call a few times but he didn't pick up.  
He had lunch in a family restaurant where he knew no one and no one knew him.  
Byun Baekhyun appeared in front of his house at night but this time he could simply flee inside.

On Tuesday morning, he shooed Byun Baekhyun away before he had a chance to utter a single word. He felt better but still not in the mood to be cursed at.  
When he met Jongdae in the office kitchen, he looked as though there was something he wanted to say but then he simply poured himself a cup of coffee and walked back to his desk.  
Luhan called again. Only once this time, as though he finally gave up.

"Where's Yixing by the way?" Minseok asked when Jongdae left for an appointment while Junmyeon wiped the leaves of the rubber tree next to his desk with a wet cloth.  
"He called in sick again," Junmyeon said absent-mindedly.   
"Again?" Minseok asked and could tell by the look Junmyeon threw him that the question was stupid. He had not seen Yixing the day before but he had been too preoccupied with himself to really take notice of his surroundings.  
"Yeah," Junmyeon said and leaned back in his chair a little. "He called yesterday and said that he must have caught the flu during the weekend. Said he has a fever and everything. It's probably the season to get sick. On my way here I heard so many people sneezing, I keep thinking that it's only a question of time until I'm out of action myself." The words flowed out of him in a perfectly chatty tone but something about the way he slightly squinted his eyes at Minseok felt a little off.  
Minseok only nodded apprehensively.  
"Speaking of which, you don't look great either. Are you okay?" Junmyeon then asked carefully.  
Minseok angled his head with a questioning glance.  
"Because, you know, if there is anything you need our help with," Junmyeon continued in a deliberately patient voice. He spoke to him the way he had spoken to Yixing and Jongdae back when they had still been new and confused and scared. "You know that you can count on us, don't you?"  
He thought he knew something. So although he obviously meant good and probably really thought that he was capable of helping, Minseok only curtly replied with, "I know."

A Nameless One appeared right before noon to call on Junmyeon so that Minseok spent the early afternoon by himself completing and archiving reports.  
Jongdae came back and tried to chat him up about a news story he had seen on TV about an actress who had to go on hiatus because she had been seen coming out of the apartment of another actor at night.  
The sky already was a mayhem of orange and purple when Kim Jongin from the Eastern branch called to ask about a case. Luhan had supposedly suggested to contact Minseok of all people.  
"Well, he said that you're my best bet if things escalate," Kim Jongin's indifferent voice said. "He said you're good at dealing with complicated situations, so yeah, that's why I'm calling."  
Minseok sighed. It was Luhan's twisted way of reaching out.

He was ten minutes late when he reached the bike shop. The sky already had a dark brown shade and he felt as though he had never spent as much time staring at it as he had during the past two days. Looking at the sky made it seem possible to just forget about his responsibilties.   
Barely anything in life scared him any longer but the closer he got to the shop, the more it felt as though his legs were made of rubber. He didn't know what Park Chanyeol knew. He didn't know what Byun Baekhyun had told him or what he himself would have puzzled together. Whatever it was, Minseok had no excuse and all he could do was to apologize. Apologize, repent, tell him how to contact someone else from the Office. Maybe Junmyeon. Maybe someone from the Southern branch. They had been praised before for being efficient in organising their recruits. Maybe Wu Yifan who was more straight-forward with his trainees than most others.   
But in the end they were all the same and Minseok hated his options. None of them seemed quite right. But who was he to judge when he had misjudged his own capabilities?

When he finally opened the door to the shop, he meant to apologize. Even if he couldn't explain it rationally, he at least wanted to be upfront.  
But then, when he entered, Park Chanyeol looked up from his seat at the counter with a frown and said, "Minseok-sshi, so I've been thinking about it and I'm not sure I can join full-time. I mean, I like my job here and maybe that's wishful thinking but I don't really want to lose any of our customers. This probably comes as a surprise to you, but we offer repairs, so we actually have a couple of regulars. And my boss currently is on bike trip in Thailand, so technically I'm the only full-time employee at the moment. There are two part-timers but they're both university students so we can't really rely on them."  
He said in a such an almost deliberately ordinary tone that Minseok just blinked at him in confusion.  
"So I was thinking," Park Chanyeol continued brightly. "Maybe I could work part-time. Jongdae said you're not really working regular hours anyway, so maybe that could work." He smiled but there was nervous twitch to his eye, as if he only put on a facade.  
Minseok frowned. He didn't want to play a game of pretend. But there was something almost pleading in Park Chanyeol's look that made it hard to be honest.  
"Sure," he said and scratched the back of his neck. "I mean, if that's what you want. You don't have to join. The Office exists to help, even if you don't work for them."  
Park Chanyeol wrinkled his forehead in thought and then shrugged. "Yeah, well, I guess I learn faster the more I immerse myself in all that stuff. And the more I learn, the easier it gets, right?"  
He gave him a smile and Minseok felt awful when he returned it.

It bothered him although it shouldn't have. Keeping secrets was the only survival technique he had learned. He was good at not talking about things and about pretending that nothing was wrong. All day he ignored ghosts and his own loathing towards them. All week he ignored questions and hints by colleagues who all wanted to share their stories but had been trained not to. All year he lived his life in the same routine of work and sleep and more work.  
But as he sat next to Park Chanyeol behind the counter of the bike shop and talked about contract options and office duties, it unnerved him. He wanted to say something. He wanted to talk about the deal he had made with Byun Baekhyun and about how he had seen every little detail of his life.   
The longer they talked, the more obvious it became that Park Chanyeol simply pretended that Byun Baekhyun didn't exist and that Sunday had never happened. It felt wrong because Minseok got the feeling that Park Chanyeol didn't blame him for anything. As if Minseok, too, had merely been a victim of a ploy.  
He had never seen it that way but that was what secrets could do. Ultimately they simply obliterated the truth until there was nothing left but shadows and hushed words.  
He wanted to say something but couldn't and the evening simply passed in perfect unspectacularity. They said their goodbyes and Minseok agreed to make arrangements to have Park Chanyeol officially introduced.

"Look, I promise I won't swear at you this time. But I think we really need to talk," Byun Baekhyun said urgently as he appeared beside him outside the shop. Minseok didn't slow down but didn't do anything to stop him either.  
"I admit that I maybe was a little rash and I'm not saying that I blame you or anything but we did have a deal and you did agree to it," he said quickly, as if he wanted to make sure that he could say what he had come to say before Minseok could interrupt him. "And if you had just allowed me to follow through with it, things would be a lot easier now."  
"Easier how?" Minseok asked with a short side glance at him. Byun Baekhyun looked a little spooked and slightly less focussed than before. "Easier for you because you wouldn't have to explain anything?"  
Byun Baekhyun scoffed and Minseok oddly felt at ease. It was satisfying to say these things out loud. That was what the plan had been about. Byun Baekhyun had meant to use Minseok and in return Minseok would have destroyed what was left of him. But then Minseok had felt doubts and had ruined the plan. Because the plan would have meant to hurt Park Chanyeol and it wouldn't have felt right.  
"Easier for everyone involved," Byun Baekhyun said as if through gritted teeth. "If only you had-."  
"Pretended that it was me for the rest of my life?" Minseok interrupted him and coldness washed over him when he stopped to look at Byun Baekhyun. He floated although he had usually stood before and his shape seemed to fizzle out at the edges. He looked defeated and unsure what he wanted to say. Something had changed.  
"You don't understand," Byun Baekhyun began and clearly had trouble finding the right words. "Because I know that you know what I thought I knew. But it was different all this time. I made a mistake, a big mistake, and to make it right I need your help because he..."  
He never got to finish his sentence.   
"Byun Baekhyun, stop!" a voice interrupted him and Byun Baekhyun side while Minseok turned his head in surprise.  
Park Chanyeol stood only a few paces behind them with an open jacket and a set of keys dangling in his hand.  
"I told you," he huffed at Byun Baekhyun. "Don't talk to him. Don't make it worse. I told you, you'll only make it worse."  
Minseok sighed. This was the truth he had wished to hear.


	10. amendments

\- brother and sister -

"You're not drunk this time," Yura noted after sniffing at Chanyeol's collar while he poured himself a glass of water in the kitchen. He wore the polo shirt under a sweater she knew he always wore for work but he was late again and very clearly smelled of tobacco and sweat.  
"Yeah, it's great to see you, too, Noona," he muttered and quickly downed the water. His voice sounded slightly hoarse and he was about to just exit the kitchen like a common thief when she blocked his way.  
"I mean, I'm not trying to judge you or anything because we all sometimes have a drink too much. I suppose that's what adulthood is all about," she said chattily and he threw her an exasperated glance. There was a stain on his sweater and he nervously scratched his leg, so she could tell how tired he was. He always complained about itchy legs whenever he desperately needed sleep. "I'm just saying that I'm glad to see that the girl you're dating isn't turning you into an alcoholic."  
This time he looked at her curiously. It made her oddly self-conscious because he often ignored her or gave her snarky answers whenever there was something he did not want to talk about. Normally he simply disappeared inside his head but suddenly he looked as though he pondered about what to say.  
"I'm not dating a girl," he then said meekly and she slapped his arm.  
"What, are you saying you're dating a monkey instead?" she laughed and half expected him to join in. But he only furrowed his brows and rubbed his arm weakly.   
There was a long pause before he said, "I'm not dating, period."   
Something about his tone was odd and part of her realized that, but in response she snorted, "Right. So why are you smelling like an ashtray right now?"   
She could tell that it came off as insensitive because there was a slight twitch of his eye before he let out a short toneless laugh. "I'm pretty sure that smelling like an ashtray isn't a sign that someone's dating," he said defensively and she raised her eyebrows at him.   
He was about to turn away and leave it at that, so she kicked his leg and he yelped. He whirled around, she attempted to put him in a headlock and before things could escalate further, he quickly took a step backwards and said, "Look, I was in a club but didn't drink. People smoked there. That's the whole story."   
As if to show that he told the truth and meant no harm, he put up his hands.  
"It's Tuesday night though," she stated. "Don't you have work tomorrow?"  
He shrugged in response, so she unwillingly asked, "What's going on?"   
During her time in university she had been obsessed with clubbing so she knew that there always were open ones, even during the week. As long as alcohol was legal and young people stupid, clubs would have patrons. But this was her brother. The brother who rarely left the house. The brother who was responsible enough to barely ever take a day off at work. The brother who didn't have relationships but who occasionally got drunk. And yet here he was. Sober. Late. Supposedly not dating.  
"Nothing is going on," he said evasively and scratched the back of his neck. "I mean, sometimes... Sometimes when you're sick of hearing all the noises of the world around you, it helps to just drown them out. And when there's music around you and it's so loud that you can barely hear your own voice over the beat, that's kind of... I don't know... It clears your head." It almost sounded like a recital, as if he used someone else's words. He threw her a quick glance and then fixated a spot to her right. She wasn't sure why but it made a shiver run down her spine.  
"And you just went there by yourself?" she asked although she knew that it wasn't the right question. It made her uncomfortable to imagine what he would be so troubled about that he needed a hammering beat to forget about it.  
At first, she thought that he was not going to reply. Whatever reason he had to deny that he was seeing someone, she thought he would simply continue to pretend that it was nothing.  
But then he sighed and said, "I went with this guy I know."  
"This guy?" she echoed and he shrugged. He didn't specify it.   
"Yeah. Noona, look, I really need to sleep now," he instead said with a weary glance. When she didn't reply, he took a cautious step backwards and then turned around to leave.  
"That guy," she said and he stopped, still facing the opposite direction. "He's a friend?"  
It took him a few seconds too long to reply with, "I guess."  
Silence followed as she watched his back walk away and a strange feeling washed over her. She didn't mean to be worried. It had been years since her brother had openly shared his thoughts with her, years during which she had rarely got more than non-answers.   
She didn't want to worry. She wanted to believe that he was old enough to know what he was doing.   
But his choice of words bothered her. Normally, he at least gave her hints. He had a drink with an old classmate or did a farewell party for a colleague or had met someone from university on his way home. Old friends from his neighborhood had invited him out and he couldn't remember the name of the person whose house he had woken up in. The girl she had seen him with worked in the coffee shop across the street and had recently bought a bike.  
But suddenly he had led her to believe that he went on dates, only to then deny it.  
Suddenly there was a guy who might or might not have been a friend.  
Suddenly she wondered whether the guy was the reason why her brother had gone out on Sunday and had come home late more often than usual.  
And as she tried to imagine this vague shape of a person, she unwillingly thought of Byun Baekhyun and the walls of reality crashed in around her. The metallic scent of blood seemed to fill her nostrils and she could taste bile rising up in her throat.  
That was when her brother had stopped telling her everything.   
"Noona, I can hear him. I can still hear him. He doesn't stop," he had whispered into her ear one day but she had been too young to really know what to say. He had been psychotic for weeks but all she had done was to hug him and to then continue living her own life. They all had believed that he would get over it because death was a part of life and they had believed that he would understand it eventually. Byun Baekhyun had only been a friend, only a boy from school Chanyeol had hung out with.  
The truth was that she had never understood him.  
Even now, when she knew that she was supposed to ask him if there was anything he wanted to talk about, she could only stand in the kitchen and put her hand over her mouth.

\- sharing the burden -

Junmyeon was good at making schedules. There was something about it that calmed his mind. In the chaotic world he had been thrown into, order was something that was sometimes hard to achieve.  
But as he looked down on the print-out of Park Chanyeol's schedule, it didn't make him as calm as he expected it to. After weeks of not really knowing what the plan was and of watching Minseok act more and more unhinged, he had thought that things would become easier the moment they would follow the normal procedure. Create files, make arrangements, listen to what the Voices said, think about everything as a team. That's how it was supposed to work.  
But there were so many open questions, that Junmyeon unwillingly feared what the next weeks would bring. Park Chanyeol wasn't a regular case after all. Park Chanyeol was one of Minseok's problems and none of them had ever really dealt with those.

"I'm not saying that I don't want to do it," Jongdae said with his head low over his desk. He had stared at the print-out in front of him for a couple of minutes like a student being overwhelmed by a math equation. "I mean, I understand that it probably makes sense to split the duty because Minseok-hyung is..." He trailed off but Junmyeon knew what he meant.   
There was a limit to what Minseok could teach to someone who wasn't like him. Now that Junmyeon had met Chanyeol, it had become even more obvious. He wasn't sure what kind of person he had expected but over the years he had seen many summoners and summoners-to-be and Chanyeol as a person was not necessarily one of those that immediately stood out.  
"It's just, you know," Jongdae continued while he tapped his desk. "Why me? Why not just you? And why not Yixing-hyung?"  
Junmyeon sighed. Because the truth was that he didn't know. The official order had been to split the training hours between himself, Minseok and Jongdae.  
"What about Yixing?" he had asked as he had made notes after a Nameless One had made its announcement. It not giving him a reply had made it obvious that there was a reason he was not permitted to hear. It wasn't even unusual. Not everyone got to teach, just like how not everyone got to work every case. Yixing had also been sick for a week and even now that he was back, he still looked a little pale, so it probably had to do with that. But still...  
Something about it had still puzzled Junmyeon.  
"I'm not sure Jongdae is ready," he had noted and the Nameless One had answered with a howling that had sounded like laughter.  
"Just give him fewer hours," Minseok had muttered in an almost indifferent voice. He had looked down, obviously also unsure about the whole procedure. For weeks he had kept everything to himself but suddenly they had to follow the orders of the Voices again. It had clearly bothered him, too.  
It just all seemed odd and the more Junmyeon thought about it, the less he really understood the situation because there were too many variables that were hidden from him. He was worried about Jongdae's suspicion that Minseok got himself possessed but didn't know how to ask. It was none of his business, just like how it was none of his business why Minseok had the powers he had. He also couldn't be sure whether the whole issue was connected to Chanyeol at all.   
And he still didn't understand how someone with a companion was supposed to work with them. When Minseok had brought them over on Saturday, Junmyeon had been startled at how bright the companion had been. Although he had not said a word and only wandered around the office, he had looked almost alive. Even if Minseok had made an agreement with him, and even if he actually stuck to it and temporarily disappeared every Tuesday and Sunday, how could they possibly be sure that he wouldn't intervene? Minseok could stop him but Minseok couldn't constantly follow Chanyeol around.  
It made no sense. Junmyeon didn't know what the agreement was based on. He didn't know what the Voices were planning or what Minseok was thinking or why the companion was so bright or why Chanyeol would have agreed in the first place.   
"I mean, what am I supposed to teach him anyway? I don't mind jumping in as a replacement or whatever, but this is on a totally different scale," Jongdae continued as he ruffled the hair on the back of his head.  
"Teach him what you know and you'll be fine," Junmyeon said and felt like a liar. He wanted to help, he really did and when he had offered his help before, he had meant it. But now that the issue actually was passed on to him, he didn't feel ready. Not because he didn't know what to do with a new recruit or because he didn't know how to encourage Jongdae, but because he was not normally supposed to meddle with the things Minseok had touched.

\- spark -

Kim Minseok and Chanyeol were both liars. 

"Minseok-sshi, the thing is, I..." Chanyeol had muttered on the street close to the shop and had looked at him but not into his eyes. "What happened on Sunday was... I was drunk. I didn't know what I was doing and I was talking nonsense, so can we just... Can we pretend it didn't happen?"  
Chanyeol had never been good with these things. That was why he had liked Kim Saebyul so much in high school. She had made it easy for him. All he had had to do was to play along.  
Kim Minseok meanwhile had frowned at him because he had been aware that there was a misunderstanding. Kim Minseok wasn't innocent.   
But to pretend that nothing had changed had suited his purposes, so he had agreed. 

"You wish to give up?" one of the Office ghosts had asked in a bemused tone after Kim Minseok had proposed to have Chanyeol transferred to another exorcist.   
Kim Minseok had sighed in return.  
"Did you not tell us that we would have to kill you to stop you from helping him?" the ghost had asked mockingly.  
"I didn't think it through," Kim Minseok had replied in a strained voice. "I can't help him. He isn't like me."  
It was an explanation but not the full truth. The ghost had understood that, too.  
"We will engage different summoners to assist you," it had concluded and Kim Minseok had stared at it, ready to protest.  
But then he had only balled his hands into fists and muttered, "Thank you."

A day earlier, he had probably considered bringing Chanyeol to his apartment because ghosts couldn't intrude there. But instead he had dragged him to a place that was filled with so much noise that the voices of ghosts were drowned out by everything else. Dim light and a thumping beat had filled a room full of swaying bodies.  
"It's a smart idea," Chanyeol had yelled and when Kim Minseok had only looked at him incomprehensively, he had leaned closer. "I guess if I can't hear myself, I can't hear him either," he had yelled into his ear with a grin. Kim Minseok had touched his ear as if his breath had tickled him and had smiled.  
But then they had realized how close they were and had looked at each other warily.

Back home Chanyeol had managed to calmly talk to his sister, only to then press his pillow to his face as he lay in bed.

"So, uh... as you can see," yet another exorcist had explained as Chanyeol had sat across from him on an old couch in the visitor section of an even older office room and looked at a sheet of paper. Everything around them had been in shades of grey and brown. "For the first couple of weeks we have divided the training sessions. Jongdae meets you on Tuesday for field work and on Saturday and Sunday you come here and we'll see what there is to do then. On Saturday you will go with Minseok-hyung and on Sunday with me. We might have to switch in between in case there are any emergencies but that's the rough schedule for now."  
Chanyeol had stared at him in bewilderment and had then quickly looked at Kim Minseok who had sat at a desk and pretended to read a file from an American Office branch despite barely knowing any English.  
The other exorcist had cleared his throat uncomfortably and had then continued, "There's an unused desk you will be able to use but we still have to clear that out and there's no computer yet, so for now you can just sit next to whoever you're assigned to for the day."  
The exorcist had looked at him with an odd expression and when Chanyeol had just continued to stare at the chart in front of him, he had asked, "Do you have any questions so far?"  
Chanyeol had blinked at him. He obviously would have had questions, but instead he had only muttered, "No, I... no, not yet."

"So..." Chanyeol had begun when he and Kim Minseok had stood outside the office building. Despite ignoring him while the other exorcist had guided him through the proceedings, Kim Minseok had agreed to accompany him outside.  
Chanyeol had obviously wanted to ask something. Why were others involved? Why were their hours reduced? Why had Kim Minseok not told him that himself?   
But instead he had only put on a smile and said, "So, see you next week."  
Kim Minseok had returned the smile in an equally strained way.

Kim Minseok and Chanyeol were both similarly stupid. Neither of them knew how to solve their own issues because all they had ever done was to run away from them.

"Did you say anything to him?" Chanyeol asked as he lay on his back and stared at the ceiling. His sister had tried to start an awkward conversation about his plans for the weekend, so he had fled into his room like a child.  
"You told me not to," Baekhyun said and his voice came out as a screech. He had not spoken in days and had never realized how much effort it took.  
"Right," Chanyeol said and closed his eyes with a sigh.  
His alarm clock ticked and his parents outside watched TV and his sister next door rustled with a magazine.  
"Do you want to hear my opinion?" Baekhyun asked because he figured that Chanyeol probably wanted to talk or else he wouldn't have addressed him first. It took him all his might to make his voice sound human.  
"Pretty sure I know your opinion, so no," Chanyeol said with his eyes still closed and Baekhyun unwillingly snorted although it wasn't that funny. It was all so absurd. He knew what he needed to do but had made so many mistakes along the way that he wasn't sure how to begin.  
"I bet you figured out that I needed his permission to possess him," he said and Chanyeol groaned but didn't protest as he continued, "But you probably wonder how I tricked him into it."  
Just as expected did Chanyeol finally open his eyes and slightly turned his head to look at him suspiciously. Baekhyun had to choose his next works wisely.  
"I told him you were into him," he said and Chanyeol quickly sat up with wide eyes.  
"You what?" he gasped but seemed more confused than angry. It probably made not much sense because it was only a tiny portion of the truth. The actual bait had been Baekhyun himself but this was not the time to talk about all the hatred that slowly caused Kim Minseok to rot from within.   
"Here's the thing," Baekhyun said calmy. "He's done it before so he knew that he'd be fully aware of what's going on with him while he's possessed."  
Chanyeol frowned. "What are you even saying?" he muttered.  
"How do exorcists become exorcists? They told you that, didn't they? They all go through trauma," Baekhyun explained a Chanyeol's mouth became a thin line. It didn't take a genius to guess his thoughts. Chanyeol's trauma was him.   
"He's no exception," Baekhyun continued. "He's probably even worse off because he never grew up normally. He doesn't know these things. So I gave him an opportunity and he took it."  
It wasn't the complete truth but it wasn't technically a lie either. Up until the last minute Kim Minseok had wished to kill him. That very wish had prevailed and had felt extremely suffocating because this time Baekhyun had been even less in control. It had felt like trying to maneuver a burning container ship instead of a human body. But there had been different emotions as well. Guilt. Curiosity. A strange sense of supressed affection. Fear. Desperation.  
In the end the guilt had won over but that didn't make everything else become meaningless.   
"What's that supposed to..." Chanyeol began but then seemed unsure how to continued the question.  
"I don't know," Baekhyun admitted. "I'm not him. My point is that you won't find out shit if you keep pretending that you were not totally ready to go home with him."  
Chanyeol pulled a grimace but gave no snarky retort which Baekhyun chose to take as a good sign.  
He honestly couldn't stand Kim Minseok but he also understood that in the current situation he really was his best bet. He just had to push them both hard enough that they finally moved.


	11. tuesday and saturday

\- different approaches -

"Well, there's one thing I can guarantee you," Jongdae said as he shuffled along the narrow neighborhood road with his hands in his pockets. It was dark outside and normally he would have sat at his desk by now to type up his last report, but Junmyeon's genius training schedule had messed up his winter routine. Why couldn't they have found Chanyeol in summer? "By the end of tonight you're probably going to think that Tuesdays are going to be the most boring part of your training because, honestly? I don't know what I'm supposed to teach you so you'll have to follow me while I do the stuff I do every day."  
"You walk around every day?" Chanyeol said and sounded both amused and slightly out of breath because the even road slowly turned into a slope. They were going to follow it all the way up a hill to a Christian cemetery that was very much haunted and thus the only noteworthy spot on the route.   
"Yeah, pretty much," Jongdae said and kicked a pebble that hit the pole of a traffic sign with a clunk. "I mean, truth to be told, most of the time we just check out places by foot because that's the best way to tell if there's anything going on anywhere. Possessions are pretty easy to spot if you know what you're looking for but they don't happen as often as you'd probably imagine."  
Chanyeol made an apprehensive sound and looked down on his feet. "Good thing I decided to wear sneakers then," he noted.  
"Definitely," Jongdae nodded empathically. "On Tuesdays you'll walk as far as we can get in the two hours you got. You'll probably walk less on Saturday because Minseok-hyung doesn't look for cases, the cases look for him. And on Sunday you can wear whatever you want because Junmyeon-hyung won't let you walk anywhere until you've read at least a dozen reports from the archives."  
Chanyeol threw him a skeptical side glance that unwillingly made Jongdae laugh. The funny thing was that he did not even exaggerate. Junmyeon and Minseok had both tried hard to change their schedules around Chanyeol but in completely different ways. Junmyeon attempted to solve all open issues before Sunday so that he could focus his full attention on boring Chanyeol. Minseok meanwhile had ensured that his worst summoning in a while would take place on Saturday. Obviously, they both secretly and yet completely openly disapproved of each other's approaches.  
"Honestly though," Jongdae continued chattily. "On Saturday you'll probably see something you'll wish you could unsee and on Sunday you'll doze off while Junmyeon-hyung tells you how the Office, formely known in our part of the world as 'The Order', was founded over a thousand years ago in ancient China and blah blah blah, it really isn't all that exciting, no matter what he claims. And then, by the end of Sunday, you'll probably agree that Tuesdays aren't so bad."  
Chanyeol had a mock serious expression as he said, "Well, two hours of aimlessly walking around are at least a healthy way to spend the evening."  
"Yeah, totally. I mean, you know what they say, sitting is the new cancer and you'll spend a lot of time sitting on Sunday," Jongdae agreed.   
They both laughed and Jongdae already felt a lot better about this. He had met Chanyeol before so although he knew that they would probably get along, he had feared it to be similarly awkward as the first time around. It was strange to explain things he barely comprehended himself but maybe Junmyeon and Yixing really had been right in their assumption that it would be fun to hang out with someone his age. Although Junmyeon and Yixing were not exactly in a position to make bold claims like that because they were the same age and still talked to each other in a strangely semi-formal way.  
"So what's going to happen on Saturday that's so bad?" Chanyeol asked in what seemed to be a deliberately indifferent tone and Jongdae accidentally stumbled over a small crack in the road.  
"Oh," he said because it suddenly occured to him that he maybe shouldn't have mentioned it. "Well, it's probably not really going to be bad," he continued and hoped to sound as casual as intended. He nervously licked his lips. "But not exactly something you'd see very often either."  
"Like what?" Chanyeol asked with a frown and Jongdae sighed. This was exactly one of those moments he didn't feel prepared for. His own daily activities he could explain but whenever they broached a topic that was connected to Minseok, he didn't know what to say. Everything Minseok did always was shrouded in so many mysteries that his explanations would always end up sounding half-assed.  
"So, the way our job normally works is that we're limited to a certain area of the city," he began and obviously digressed so much from the quick answer he could have given, that Chanyeol furrowed his brows in confusion.   
"The city is divided into four parts that are run by four separate offices and we don't normally hear much from the others. I mean, we meet during annual events and if there are any interesting records, we get to read those, but we don't usually work with them because we don't have to. There aren't all that many summoners with a set of skills that other offices could need."  
The way he stressed the sentence probably made it obvious what he tried to hint at because Chanyeol's frown turned into raised eyebrows.   
"And yet, this guy from the Eastern branch, who I heard is a bit of a hotshot and probably their cheap-ass version of Minseok-hyung, asked Minseok-hyung to help him with a summoning." He tried to say it in as neutral a tone as possible because he didn't want to show that there still were things that scared him.   
But Chanyeol clearly got the drift and looked a little pale when he said, "On Saturday."  
"Yeah," Jongdae said and forced a smile on his face. "So as I said, after that, Tuesday will seem relaxing in comparison. In a few minutes we'll reach a cemetery which usually is a bit noisy, but apart from that you won't see anything really spectacular. And trust me, sometimes you'll really appreciate the absence of excitement."  
Chanyeol let out a strange noise but didn't say anything in return, so awkward silence slowly spread between them. Jongdae unwillingly had to think back to the time when he had been new and been allowed to tag along to one of Minseok's summonings. He had been excited then, but he had also had over a month of Junmyeon nearly boring him to death full-time. It would obviously be totally different for Chanyeol who had stumbled into their world in the messiest way possible.  
So Jongdae said, "I mean, but it's not like you'll be in any grave danger or anything. Minseok-hyung usually stops all the dangerous things before they can happen to you."  
It was meant to sound cheerful but by the horrified look Chanyeol threw him he could tell that he only slowly made it worse.

\- the execution -

At first, Jongin's pride had not permitted him to call Kim Minseok. He himself was a good summoner, a great one even. In his branch of the Office he was the one who took on all the difficult cases because he was one of the few with a truly unique skill. He could read ghosts, could see their past lives and their inner thoughts. That was how he usually managed to convince every single one of them to leave. He had in fact been doing it for so long, that he believed that, if he could not read a ghost, it could not be summoned at all. It had to be impossible. Either that, or he had simply been in a bad shape that day. 

"Yeah, you know, the other day? That ghost in the homeless guy? I thought he couldn't be summoned either," his colleague Tao said as he flipped through a magazine during lunch break. "And then you came along and told him all this stuff about his dead daughter and he was gone, just like that." To put emphasis on his words, he clicked his fingers and Jongin sighed.

Of course he had read reports on Kim Minseok before. Those written by him usually posed more questions than they answered because he never elaborated on anything. Reports mentioning him meanwhile always sounded made-up. If everything about him was true, he could maybe deal with a ghost Jongin could not deal with. 

"Well, I mean, let's be honest here," Luhan had said in a strangely chatty voice over the phone after introducing himself as one of Tao's Chinese friends. "I've known the guy half my life and he's not perfect. In fact, judging from what I heard, you have the more humane skill. But not every skill is right for every situation, is it? Most of the time a counselor works perfectly fine but sometimes you have to accept the truth and find an executioner."

He didn't like it. It made no sense to kill someone who already was dead. He did not even comprehend how it was supposed to work.

"It happened before that they sent him to other branches," his colleague Sohee said while stirring her coffee. She had been part of the Office for twenty years, so despite not being very skilled, she usually knew more than enough gossip. "He actually came here over ten years ago. Imagine how much it frustrated everyone that they sent a boy." She gave him a look as though to suggest that he was the current clueless boy. "But well, the boy solved our problem and we could go back to living our regular lives. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride and accept that you're not the one this time. If you act first, it's at least not as much of a slap in the face."

So he called the executioner and naturally assumed the worst.

Right from the start then, it did not go particularly well. At first Minseok stalled time as though he either did not take the issue seriously or hoped that it would just solve itself. They all knew how crucial it was to quickly deal with a summoning, but Jongin couldn't say anything because he himself had wasted time by trying to deal with it himself. If it had only been that, it probably wouldn't have bothered him too much. But then Minseok appeared at their agreed meeting point with another guy he introduced as a fresh trainee and Jongin honestly was speechless. With the right protection summonings were not necessarily dangerous but this was a ghost he had not been able to read. He did not know why. He could not possibly know what else the ghost could do that was supposed to be impossible. What he did know however, was that it probably was not very smart to bring a complete novice into a situation like that.  
He tried to say something, but Minseok didn't even ask any questions on what had happened the first time. For a moment Jongin thought that Minseok maybe didn't know about his skill, but then he already explained it to his trainee.  
"He can read the minds of ghosts," he said in a perfectly dispassionate voice and his trainee looked more confused than anything. "It's a rare gift and can't be learned, so you won't be able to do it."  
Jongin wasn't even sure whether he was supposed to feel flattered at the description or annoyed because Minseok apparently didn't think of it as impressive enough to be interested in learning more. If anything, he only seemed to wish to be done with the case as quickly as possible.  
So they arrived at the metal gate in front of the house that could barely be seen behind the fence and a few trees, and Minseok seemed about to just ring the bell without any further discussion, when Jongin quickly said, "The host recently got divorced but there are a maid and a gardener who are sometimes around. I haven't quite figured out their schedules but today should be safe."  
Minseok blinked at him in confusion, as if Jongin had uttered something very stupid. "I read the report," he then said very slowly.  
"Right," Jongin said and tried to recall whether he had written all those details down. He had only released the report a day earlier after they had forced him to. It had not felt right to write a report on something that was not actually finished yet. But that at least explained the lack of questions.  
The situation obviously caused Minseok to lose his momentum because he now stared at the bell and then at Jongin and asked, "Anything else?"  
Jongin only shrugged and Minseok nodded while ringing the bell. His threw his trainee only a small glance as he said, "Try to stay behind me."

He was not sure what he had expected.  
"He couldn't have been older than maybe sixteen and he was really skinny, so the man could easily overpower him," Sohee had recalled. "We tried to help but what he ultimately did was to charge at the guy and tackle him into a wall. Then it looked as if he was trying to choke him because he put his hands around his neck but then it looked as if he teared something off. I don't know how he did it, but he managed tear the ghost off the guy. As if the ghost was nothing but a giant leech."  
"He can touch them," Luhan had said vaguely. "I guess that's his power. He can touch them as if they're living things."  
And then there were the reports.  
'Took out ghost. Might have fractured it,' Minseok had written in one case that had completely puzzled Jongin because he couldn't fathom it. Fractured what? The one being possessed? The ghost possessing them?  
'Kim Minseok had to eliminate the ghost to get rid of it,' another report had read. 'If he had not done that, our life would have been in danger. The first conventional attempt at summoning the ghost had failed.'  
It was one thing to read these things and to unwillingly imagine a comic hero in a floating cape and a corny mask. It was a completely different thing to watch the whole thing in action.  
Right from the moment they entered the house after pretending to deliver a package, the ghost clearly knew what they were up to because Jongin immediately heard the same static he had heard when the ghost had previously realized that he tried to read him. Most ghosts possessing humans were not fully lucid and did not necessarily understood what they did. This one clearly did, and Minseok did not waste any time at trying to do the usual small talk.  
Before the ghost could say anything, Minseok pushed him further inside and barked at them to close the door. Jongin and the trainee only managed to look at each other in confusion when Minseok already was halfway down the hallway and into whatever room came at the end of it.  
"Shit," Jongin swore under his breath and then slammed the door shut before he hurried past the trainee and after Minseok. They were already in the kitchen and Minseok pressed the much taller host against the kitchen counter while the host tried to push his head away. In Minseok's left hand was something translucent that was connected to the host's torso and Jongin unwillingly stared at it in bafflement. Part of his mind understood that he saw part of a ghost. But he didn't know how. He had read it over and over again. Kim Minseok could touch ghosts. But to actually see Kim Minseok pull a piece of a ghost out of someone scared the part of him that was still filled with primeval fear of the unknown. He could literally see the man's right leg go limp while Minseok pulled and pulled. The man wobbled and Jongin stared like an idiot. But then the man wound up his right arm and it took Jongin a split second too long to understand that he had to react, when the man already hit Minseok's head hard enough for him to stumble backwards.   
"Minseok-sshi," the trainee gasped behind him and pushed past him but Jongin could still only stare. The part of the ghost Minseok had pulled out slowly slithered back inside.  
"Minseok-sshi, shit, are you okay?" the trainee yelled while Minseok leaned into a shelf and held his head.  
"Stay back," Minseok muttered, still scowling at the man.  
"Are you fucking nuts?" the trainee asked and tried to help Minseok straighten up, only to be pushed away. "What is this? A fist fight? Is that what you do all day?"  
Before Minseok could say anything, the ghost inside the possessed man let out a strange growl. The growl and the man's voice mixed into a horrible chorus when he said, "Get out of my house. Get off my property. I will call the police." He clearly was not fully used to speaking.   
"What do you want us to do?" Jongin asked much too late and Minseok threw him a quick exasperated glance. He spat on the ground like a thug and Jongin realized that there was blood.  
"Nothing," Minseok said as he charged forward again, this time much lower so that he bumped his head into the man's chest and put his left arm around his waist while he pulled at his abdomen. Again, there was a translucent bit, but this time Jongin forced himself not to get distracted. The trainee had already jumped forward but seemed unsure how to help while Minseok grappled with the ghost. When the man eventually elbowed Minseok's back, the trainee managed to get hold of his arm. Jongin quickly jumped in, grabbed the other arm and forced it on his back. The man was strong, so even with the two of them wrestling him down, they barely managed to get him down on his knees while Minseok pulled more and more bits out. At one point he got hold of a large piece that he threw behind him like debris. 'Fractured.' That probably was the meaning.  
It seem to take an eternity. The man was going more and more limp and at one point Jongin realized that they were not really holding him down any longer. They were stabilizing him while Minseok's movements became slower and slower and his breathing heavier and heavier. Around him was a puddle of ghost parts that faded away like smoke. When Jongin shifted his position a little, he accidentally stepped into some of it and felt almost startled at the sensation. It was almost too ordinary. Coldness and fragmented memories and a mix of contradictory emotion. There was the face of another summoner he vaguely remembered and the knowledge of something that was not to be. And then, before he could really comprehend what he saw, it was over. He understood then what the others had meant. There was no way to explain it. He couldn't feel the ghost any longer and he knew that it had not gone anywhere. It had just stopped existing altogether, leaving nothing but a strange emptiness behind.  
The man's eyes fluttered before he threw up in front of him and Minseok took a few steps backwards before he knocked down a chair as he fell down.

"Do you know where he lives?" Jongin asked and knew how useless he probably sounded. It was the kind of question he only asked for the sake of it. In a way it had been his fault that Kim Minseok would end up passed out on the back of his trainee after all.  
The trainee shifted his weight and then said, "Yeah. But I don't know the passcode so I hope he wakes up by then." He pulled a grimace and Jongin put on a lopsided grin because it was not exactly funny but he wasn't sure what else to do. The were no mentions of the great Kim Minseok passing out in the reports, so he could not tell how normal this was.   
He was about to ask whether the trainee knew how to reach anyone else from his office, when a ghost in a school uniform appeared next to them and curiously looked up to Minseok. "What happened to him? Is he taking a nap?"  
He attempted to nudge Minseok's foot with his hand but the trainee staggered to the side. "Just shut up," he muttered awkwardly.  
"Who's that?" the ghost then asked and squinted his eyes at Jongin. When he noticed him looking back at him, he concluded, "I see. Another exorcist."  
The trainee clearly tried to ignore him when he forced a smile on his lips and said, "We're off then."  
"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Jongin asked and skeptically looked up to Minseok's face buried somewhere in the trainee's hood. Maybe that was why he had brought him in the first place. As a guarantee to get home. Or as a warning. Summonings could be exhausting, especially to those who could do what others couldn't. Jongin had experience with that, when there were too many ghosts, or old ghosts with terrible life stories.   
The trainee seemed to consider his answer for a moment before he said, "I don't know. I hope so."   
When he left with Minseok on his crooked back, the ghost followed him and Jongin rubbed the back of his head. He wasn't sure whether he was supposed to help after all, but what actually worried him even more was what to write in his report. He refused to become one of those people whose report on Kim Minseok sounded like a literal ghost story.


	12. the monster's awakening

\- dawn -

Minseok often had recurring nightmares. Ghosts in faceless bodies and humans turning him into a circus attraction. Running through endless rows of shelves with files that stretched into a red horizon. Being choked by his mother. Having to explain his story over and over again to adults making notes. He saw these things so often that, when he finally woke up, he always immediately knew that they were just dreams and that he was safe now. But still, that knowledge never slowed down his heart. It never made him not wake up drenched in sweat and terrified to close his eyes again.   
That morning, too, he stared at the ceiling that was stained grey in what must have been the early morning hours. The shadow of his curtains painted a familiar pattern and he felt sleep creeping up to him again. He didn't remember much of his dream. He had been hit and his mother had cried out his name and ghosts had touched his bones.   
When he felt calm enough, he rolled on his side and planned to close his eyes again. But then he felt a sharp pain on the right side of his face and saw the shadow of a figure in the corner of his eye and nearly fell when he quickly tried to sit up. He was not alone. He was supposed to be alone but he was not.  
And then, when his bare feet touched the wood panels of his floor, it all came back to him. Making plans with Kim Jongin from the Eastern branch because Luhan had dragged him into it. Rushing into what he had hoped to become an easy case, only to be punched in the face because he had underestimated the ghost and its control of the body. Blacking out and that short lucid moment when Park Chanyeol had pressed something cold to his face. As if to confirm a suspicion, he looked beside the bed and found what had been a frozen package with dumplings at some point. They must have dropped when he had moved in his sleep.  
All that left only one explanation on who the mountain of a person sitting at his kitchen table would be.   
Now that he concentrated on it, he heard the soft sound of even breathing and sighed. This was not what he had wanted to happen. All he had wanted was to show that they were not actually compatible. Because he had not trusted the Office, he had tried to do everything himself but the truth was that he couldn't. He couldn't help. He only made things worse. And rather than to correct his prior mistake, he had shown only more weakness. There were debts he never wanted to make because he did not know how to repay them.  
Unsure what else to do, he stood up on slightly wobbly legs, gathered his blanket and put it over Park Chanyeol's shoulders. It made a rustling sound and Park Chanyeol let out a quiet noise and then everything was still.  
As he looked down on Park Chanyeol's sleeping figure he wondered if Byun Baekhyun lingered outside. He tried to ignore it but he unwillingly remembered what it had felt like to be possessed. The numbness and the sensation of skin against his skin that he couldn't control.   
Without meaning to, he idly touched Park Chanyeol's shoulder and part of him was glad that he only felt the cool fabric of the blanket.  
He hated those nights when he woke up from a nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep.

Time seemed to crawl.   
He took a shower and then spent what felt like an eternity staring at the bruise around his eye. It was angrily purple and blue but looked worse than it felt. He rarely got hurt and couldn't remember actually ever having a black eye, so it was an odd sensation. When he finally gave up on poking it and returned to the living room, he expected the sun to have risen but the room was still dyed in blue twilight. The mountain at the kitchen table had not moved.  
So he put on a sweater and stared outside the window and at the millions of ghosts floating in the early morning sky. It made a shiver run down his spine. He could see them but as long as he was inside, they could not see him. It was so easy to feel a false sense of security when in hiding.  
Park Chanyoel muttered something, which startled Minseok enough that he swivelled around and glanced at him warily until he was sure that he was still asleep. He couldn't decide what he dreaded more: Spending hours waiting in deafening silence or the moment when he had the be thankful and apologetic and all-knowing at the same time.  
He sat down on the edge of his bed with his phone, scrolled through messages he had ignored before, browsed through the emails from various work-related mailing lists that rarely contained anything interesting and then walked past Park Chanyeol to the kitchen to prepare rice. 

It was past seven. The rice was cooked, the bathroom sink cleaned, the tiny potted plant in the kitchen window watered and the drawer with socks arranged as neatly as never before, when Park Chanyeol finally moved. He groaned, the blanket slid off his shoulder and he rubbed his neck with half-closed eyes. When he stretched his back and turned to the side, he clearly was surprised to see Minseok standing at the window because his eyes widened. He immediately looked awake.  
"Are you okay?" Park Chanyeol asked with the hoarse voice of someone who had not slept well and Minseok felt a pinch. It wasn't the first time someone asked him that question. It wasn't even the first time Park Chanyeol did. Somehow they always ended up in these situations. But it was strange for the question to be the first thing he heard in the morning. Normally he first had to waltz through walls of ghosts before he heard a single familiar human voice.  
"Does it hurt a lot?" Park Chanyeol while pointing at his own eye and Minseok realized that he hadn't replied yet.  
"I'm okay," he said and probably sounded defiant. Park Chanyeol's expression told him as much.   
"That's good," Park Chanyeol said with a small sigh. "I kept thinking that I maybe should have brought you to the hospital and not home, but then I wasn't sure what I would have told them there. The guy, what was his name again?, he said it's probably exhausting to do what you do and that you'll be fine if you rest a while, but he didn't sound all that sure, so..." He trailed off and awkwardly rubbed his face. "So, anyway, I'm glad you're okay." He flashed a smile at him that was so obviously filled with relief that Minseok was taken aback a little. Relief meant that he had been worried. Something about that realization struck him. Worry was rarely directed at him because he normally didn't give anyone a reason to. They were never that close. He was never that weak.   
When he didn't say anything, Park Chanyeol suddenly looked around and then checked his pockets while he asked, "What time is it?" Before Minseok could reply, he already pulled out his phone and squinted at the screen. "What did Junmyeon-sshi say when I was supposed to be in? I should probably brush my teeth and change clothes before I go." He was about to stand up and stepped on the blanket he had dropped.  
Minseok realized that he was probably about to go home and it didn't feel right to be at the receiving end of kindness without a chance to give back, so he quickly asked, "Are you hungry?"  
Park Chanyeol, who was in the middle of picking up the blanket, looked at him cautiously.  
"I cooked rice," Minseok added and immediately felt stupid. 

\- face search -

"What are you doing here so early?" was the first thing Tao said as he entered the office around eight. He took off his coat in an exaggerated way that caused a sheet of paper to fly off Jongin's desk, and then turned on his computer. "It's Sunday, you know" he added jokingly as he pulled a folder out of his bag.  
"Hm," Jongin replied because it was too early for casual banter. He had barely slept because the same scenes had kept repeating themselves in his mind the moment he had closed his eyes. Part of him probably simply needed to occupy itself with something else or he would keep thinking about the fact that Kim Minseok had killed a ghost in front of his eyes. The mere thought was absurd and terrifying at the same time. So when he had tried to think of something else, he had remembered the bits of the ghost's mind he had seen before it had died. The more he thought about it, the more sure he came that they were crucial somehow.   
There were only two things he knew for certain:   
a) the ghost had not been normal or else he would have been able to deal with it himself.   
b) the ghost had been in contact with a summoner. Jongin had seen a face he had immediately connected to the Office although he could neither remember where he had seen it nor how he even knew.   
"You're in early to look through party pictures?" Tao asked in exasperation as he leaned over his shoulder and looked at his screen. Jongin was in the middle of scrolling through rows and rows of pictures of drunk summoners from all around the country. He had figured that the big summer party in August was his best bet to find out who the missing summoner was. The guy had looked Asian and in his eight years at the Office, Jongin had rarely been in contact with anyone from abroad.  
"Oh man, look at her. She just doesn't know when to stop," Tao laughed when Jongin scrolled past a few pictures of their colleague Sohee heavily flirting with a guy with a patchy beard. "So embarrassing," Tao muttered as he pulled over his chair and leaned his elbows on Jongin's desk as he sat down. He didn't seem to mind the lack of any form of reply.  
"Wow, go back for a second," Tao said and when Jongin didn't react quickly enough, he swatted off his hand and took charge of the mouse himself. "Look at that guy. So lame," Tao said as he scrolled up to a guy in a leather jacket and with retro sunglasses. It took Jongin a second but then he recognized Wu Yifan. They had never talked before because Jongin was younger than him, but Wu Yifan was generally known to be an okay summoner and a popular mentor. Of course Tao would know him better because they were both Chinese and the Chinese all knew each other.   
"You know, it's so unfair," Tao said as he scrolled down and reached a picture of Wu Yifan pretending not to laugh while Luhan gave an animated speech. "They told me that I have to work with Koreans only because I'm from China, and yet those two work for the same office. I don't know what they think where those two come from."  
Jongin nodded rather than to say that it probably had to do with the fact that Wu Yifan and Luhan both spoke better Korean than him.  
There were more pictures of Luhan, this time with Kim Minseok. Luhan talked and Kim Minseok stared into his glass.  
"I wish someone had told me how awful that shirt looked on me," Tao noted as he reached pictures of himself. "Look at that. I look like a penguin." He shook his head theatrically and Jongin sighed as he threw a glance at Tao in a black and white shirt. And then, as he scanned the rest of the picture, he finally saw the face he had been looking for.  
"Who's that?" he asked and pointed at the guy Tao had thrown an arm around.  
"Huh?" Tao asked because he had probably not expected Jongin to say anything at all. "Oh, that's Yixing."

\- monster -

Sometimes Minseok lost control of himself.   
"You're a monster," his mother had said one day when her thumbs had dug deep into his throat and when his vision had become spotty. His fingers had been clawed into the fabric of her dress and he had felt the beating of the wrong heart. It was the first time he had been able to distinguish between human and ghost.   
"You pretend to be a child but you're a monster," she had shrieked and there had been an echo when the ghost's voice and the human's voice hadn't aligned any longer. He often dreamed of the moment. He never forgot the feeling. The coldness filling his chest and the darkness washing over him. Everything became so clear in those moments. All the emotions he usually tried to suppress turned into a single overwhelming sensation, as if all the colours around him were mixed until they were a solid shade of nothingness.   
That was why he destroyed ghosts. He knew it could be avoided. It was easier to make them leave than to break them apart. And yet he constantly found himself feeling the fleeting shapes of ghosts brushing against him and couldn't control what he did to them.  
Sometimes his world became black.   
Sometimes the monster broke out and swallowed everything around him.

He wasn't sure how it had happened.   
They had sat at his kitchen table, he on the chair and Park Chanyeol on the stool. They had eaten rice and kimchi and salty scrambled egg. Park Chanyeol had eaten out of Minseok's only bowl, Minseok had eaten off his only plate and they had drunk water out of tea cups. It had been perfectly absurd and he couldn't even remember what they had talked about. Probably work.  
Then, Park Chanyeol had insisted on helping him wash the dishes and had talked about how he had hit his head as he had shoved Minseok in the back of a taxi the previous night.   
"I keep thinking that there's probably nothing taxi drivers wouldn't have seen in their life," he had laughed. "For all he knew, I tried to kill you. I wasn't even sure about your address. I just told him to drive to the hospital and then made him stop when I recognized the building. Although I keep thinking that he probably could have helped me get you out rather than to scowl at me in the back mirror. I would have tipped him if he had." He had pulled a grimace that Minseok had only seen as a tiny warped image in the water tap.   
"How did you get me inside?" Minseok had asked without looking up. The real question he had meant to ask was why Park Chanyeol had helped him in the first place, but then he had figured that he probably had not had much of a choice.   
"Uh, that was..." Park Chanyeol had begun hesitantly as he had dried off the wet plate Minseok had put next to the sink. "I might or might not have slapped you in the face."  
Minseok had then looked at him.  
"Which I admit was not the smartest thing to do," Park Chanyeol had continued with an awkward expression. "But I mean, it did wake you up enough to hit me in the chest. Which hurt. And in my defense, it wasn't like I slapped you hard."  
Minseok must gave given him a strange expression because he had stretched out his hand and lightly patted the side of Minseok's face that was not bruised. "Kind of like this," he had said and had blinked at his hand as if it was only then that he had understood what he was doing.  
His fingers had brushed against Minseok's cheek when he had muttered, "And then I might or might not have tried to undress you but you kicked me, so I gave up on that. I'm not sure if you remember all that but I was not trying to do anything strange. I just thought it would be uncomfortable. But then I just looked for something cold instead because your eye looked really bad and I..." He had trailed off when their eyes had locked. "And I..."  
Minseok had felt it then. The darkness that crept up to him. The monster that hid under his skin.

It felt different from the times he lost control around a ghost. He felt no urge to destroy, no necessity to make the coldness he felt when he touched them to disappear. It was the complete opposite from all those times. He wanted more. He wanted the warmth in his chest to spread until it burned down everything else.  
That was what touching Park Chanyeol did to him. The hot breath on his neck and the body that pressed him against the sink. The lips on his lips and the skin under the rough sweater that contained nothing but life. He couldn't remember the last time he had touched a human like that. Not to free them of something stuck in them but just to feel them. Just to feel anything.  
"You're alive," he said in awe when he placed his hand on Park Chanyeol's bare stomach.  
Park Chanyeol looked down at him curiously and then wrapped his own fingers around Minseok's. "I'm alive," he nodded and leaned down to kiss him again.  
The feeling was like hunger. Like a haze that washed over him and made him desperate.   
But even as he pulled Park Chanyeol's sweater over his head and tasted the salty skin of of his collarbone and ran his hands across his back, there was a certain familiarity.   
His actions almost felt mechanical as he pulled himself closed and dragged him behind himself across the room.  
He was on top of Park Chanyeol on the bed and fiddled with his belt when a light blinded him and he looked to the side.   
The mirror.   
The mirror of the closet showed his own reflection illuminated by the morning sun and he halted. He wasn't sure why it startled him so much. It was his own face. The face he saw every day but something about it felt horribly wrong. It reminded him of the day when Byun Baekhyun had been inside him and he had caught a glimpse of his face in the window of a bar. His face, but in the wrong setting.  
He had fallen into a trap.  
"What's wrong?" Park Chanyeol asked in a tiny voice and lifted himself up as far as he could with Minseok still on top of him.  
Minseok looked down on him and blinked.   
"Everything," he said and felt calmness wash over him. The monster retreated. "Everything about this is wrong."  
Park Chanyeol obviously looked hurt, so he quickly got off of him and turned around to face the rest of the room. For a split second he could pretend to be alone and closed his eyes.  
"I'm in the wrong here," he said to the room. "New recruits often get attached to the person who trains them. When you're around a ghost for too long, you easily become desperate. I'm supposed to know that. I shouldn't have let it come to this."  
Behind him he head the soft squeaking of the mattress as Park Chanyeol lifted himself up. "Minseok-sshi, I'm not..." he began quietly.  
"You're confused," Minseok said firmly as he turned back to him. "This is what your friend did to you. I can't save you. Not like this."


	13. unspoken words

\- sunday -

No one was happy to be in the office on a Sunday which was why most people chose that day to stay home. Jongdae, too, would have normally decided to spend the day sleeping off his hangover, but then felt that it would be mean to just leave Chanyeol hanging. Yixing and Minseok also had a tendency to skip Sundays and there was nothing worse than to sit in the otherwise empty office next to the tea-drinking, plant-watering, utterly boring Junmyeon. He certainly also had his good points, but Jongdae remembered much too well how annoying Junmyeon was when it was about teaching the basics. Jongdae had literally had a year of getting used to the fact that he was seeing things no one else could see, but Junmyeon had treated him as though he was a little boy on his first day of school.  
So really, the only reason why he dragged himself out of bed that morning was his conscience. His damn stupid conscience that wanted him to be nice although being nice rarely paid off.  
No one was happy to be in the office on a Sunday, so what Jongdae found that very Sunday was a group of people losing their minds.

When he arrived, Chanyeol already sat at the only desk not assigned to anyone and drew circles on the dusty surface with his finger while poring over a report. It was only half past ten but he already looked exhausted.  
"Which one did he give you first?" Jongdae asked jokingly and realized that he probably should have started with a greeting because Chanyeol was so startled that he accidentally pulled a whole staple with reports off the table. They noisily cluttered to the floor and Chanyeol looked at them with a sigh. When he turned around to Jongdae, he was not amused.  
"What?" he asked and for a moment Jongdae considered to just go back home and take a late morning nap.  
"The reports," he then said and helplessly pointed at the desk while Chanyeol picked up everything he had dropped. "Which one did you get first?"  
Chanyeol frowned at him and then at the report in front of him. "The first one he gave me was about what he called an ideal summoning but this one is a little..." He flipped through the pages in what looked like slight disgust. Jongdae came a little closer when Chanyeol turned it so that he could read the cover. It was the infamous report by the Japanese guy who insisted that possessions were a great experience.  
"What the fuck?" he said angrier than intended.   
"Yeah," Chanyeol nodded. "I mean, it's kind of..."  
Jongdae looked around the office. He heard someone rummaging through the kitchen and figured that it probably was Junmyeon. "I think he gave that to you by mistake."  
"Huh," Chanyeol said and scratched his neck as he looked at the black letters scrawled across the pages. "Is that what it's like though? Being possessed?"  
Jongdae looked down on him and suddenly wondered whether Junmyeon had wanted him to ask that question. They had never talked again about his suspicion that Minseok might have been possessed. But just like how Jongdae kept worrying about it, Junmyeon probably did, too.  
"I wouldn't know," Jongdae then said and carefully took note of Chanyeol's reaction. "People don't normally get possessed if they can help it. I can only guess, based on what I've seen so far, that it's sometimes even worse than the shit in the report."  
Chanyeol just nodded apprehensively.   
Jongdae probably should have left it at that but then he continued, "Minseok-hyung had this crazy theory the other day. You know how he can kill ghosts if he wants to? I think he believes that it's easier to kill them when they're inside you."  
He knew he was paraphrasing but he also knew Minseok, so he probably was not even off by far. His words also had a strange effect on Chanyeol. He did not look startled or confused. If anything, he looked aghast. Like the caricature of someone who had seen a ghost for the first time.

"Just for the record, I think that what you're doing is completely messed up," Jongdae said as he entered the office kitchen and found Junmyeon preparing tea. Again, he probably should have greeted him first because Junmyeon nearly spilled hot water on his pants in surprise.  
"What?" Junmyeon asked with wide eyes. He was the type who rarely did anything controversial and thus rarely was attacked for his actions.  
"That report you gave Chanyeol? I know for a fact that you wouldn't normally give that to someone new because Yixing-hyung and I both found it by accident," Jongdae said as he opened one of the drawers to take out the box with coffee beans he then filled into the fancy new coffee maker.  
Junmyeon put on a strange expression and very obviously avoided to look him in the eye as he said, "I thought it would be interesting."  
"To him specifically?" Jongdae asked and closed the lid of the coffee maker. "Because you suspect that he witnessed Minseok-hyung getting possessed?"  
Junmyeon flinched a little.  
"Do you think he knows more than we do?" Jongdae asked and Junmyeon sighed.  
"I do," he then admitted and held onto his tea pot for a second as though it was his anker. Then he furrowed his brows and said, "Think about it. He's been around ghosts for as long as the two of us combined. And I don't know what Minseok-hyung has taught him so far, but he should at least be able to ask the right questions."  
Jongdae wasn't sure what to say so he simply leaned against the drawer behind him and stared at the ceiling.  
"I still think it's messed up though," he then said. "That report is the worst."  
Junmyeon smiled guiltily but didn't reply. It was rare for him to be so reckless and Jongdae wondered whether the whole thing was his twisted payback because he had only got involved when the train had already derailed.

It was already past noon when Minseok entered the office. Junmyeon greeted him politely, Chanyeol barely looked up from his desk and Jongdae said, "Shit, hyung, what happened to your face?"  
The sudden question startled Minseok so much that he stumbled over his own feet. "What?" he asked in confusion and looked so stupid that it was hard not to laugh at him.  
"Your face, hyung," Jongdae said with a suppressed grin. "You look like you lost a fight."  
Minseok gave him a blank stare for a moment and then slowly lifted his hand to his right eye. When he touched the bruise, he winced a little but didn't say anything. For a split second his eyes wandered into Chanyeol's direction.  
"Did that happen yesterday?" Jongdae then asked because it occurred to him that Saturday was Minseok's day with Chanyeol. Yesterday they would have been to that summoning organized by the guy from the Eastern branch. "You didn't say anything about him getting punched in the face," Jongdae said in an accusatory tone as he whirled his chair around to look at Chanyeol. "Did he at least land a punch himself?"  
Chanyeol just blinked at him with an unreadable expression.   
"I didn't," Minseok said instead as he sat down at his desk and started to rummage through the top drawer.  
"He killed the ghost," Chanyeol said tonelessly. There was a strange tension in the air. Even Junmyeon noticed it and curiously looked up from his computer.  
"Ghosts aren't alive, so they can't be killed," Minseok said with the same matter-of-factly voice that had caused Jongdae to be extremely wary of him for his first couple of weeks in the office. But this was different. Chanyeol was new but not to him. If that was what all their sessions together were, Jongdae understood why the higher-ups would decide to cut Minseok off.

Jongdae already feared that the rest of the day would be spent without any form of conversation and ruefully thought of his soft, warm bed, when Minseok's voice cut through the silence.  
"That email you sent..." he said and Jongdae turned around to check whether he talked to him. Just because he couldn't remember any emails didn't mean that he had not sent any. But Minseok instead stared at his screen with a frown and had his phone in his hand. Minseok was not generally awfully polite, but it was still strange for him to start a phone conversation without any proper greeting.  
"No, I'm not sure I understand. The ghost yesterday? Because you wrote in your report that..."   
For a moment he then just listened and rubbed his forehead. Junmyeon had lifted his head a little and although Chanyeol had his back to him, did he not really move either. They probably all figured that it would be urgent if Minseok actually took the time to call someone about a previous summoning. Minseok hated calls.  
"Okay, but how..." he began and let out a sigh. "How sure are you about what you've seen? Are you sure that-." He suddenly looked up, as if he could sense that all eyes were on him. Jongdae quickly looked down on his desk and the crooked house he had doodled on a piece of note paper but Minseok was not that stupid.  
"Hold on a second," he said, stood up and walked towards the door. "Are you sure that it was him?" he asked right before the door loudly shut behind him.  
"What the hell?" Jongdae asked and looked at Junmyeon for help.  
Junmyeon only shrugged.

Approximately ten minutes later, Minseok came back with a mean scowl but only stared at the floor for a moment. Then he directly looked at Junmyeon and said, "Can I talk to you for a second?"  
It was not really a question but a demand, so he didn't wait for a reply and walked back out again. Junmyeon nearly knocked over his tea cup when he jumped up and followed him wordlessly.  
The door shut between them and Jongdae leaned back in his chair. He hated these moments. They were probably going to the rooftop. It was always the rooftop as if they were all actors in a cheap detective drama, and he wondered whether he would ever be invited to any of the meetings up there.  
"You hungry?" he asked Chanyeol who raised an eyebrow at him. "Because I'm starving and I can promise you one thing. Even if we wait, those two won't tell us what's going on anyway. We're too far down the career ladder."  
Chanyeol looked at him curiously but then simply shrugged.

"That's probably the one thing I like the least about the organisation," Jongdae said as he mixed his bibimbap a little too ferociously. When some of the rice flee up and right into his glass with water, he stopped. He hated to be angry all the time. Back when he had worked for a sporting goods store he had occasionally been annoyed at small things like the itchy blue polo shirt he had been required to wear or his manager who had constantly set unrealistic goals. But he had rarely been genuinely mad about them. He had simply left the store at the end of his shift and had fogotten everything about his day. But now that was different.  
Chanyeol threw him a questioning glance while he took a spoonful of his jjamppong and then pulled a face because it probably was too hot.  
"Everything is a secret. As if secrets are a weapon," Jongdae explained. Chanyeol looked at him thoughtfully but didn't say anything, so he continued, "I mean, there already are enough secrets due to the nature of the job. My family doesn't know what I work as because they already think I'm crazy. My neighbors think I'm a door-to-door salesman and yesterday I told this girl I met in a bar that I work for an NGO. All that's stressful enough because I have to lie. Which sucks."  
Chanyeol nodded as he noisily slurped down some noodles. "I hate to lie," he said.  
"Lying is all you'll end up doing here," Jongdae said and wondered whether that was the reason for all the anger. Two years ago he had been pretty open about everything, but now he involuntarily lied to family members and neighbors and people he had only just met. "And I get that it can't be helped because what we do isn't exactly normal. What frustrates me is that not even within the Office, where you would assume that everyone is on the same page, people are honest. There are literally thousands of classified reports and hundreds of secret meetings and dozens of security levels. There are secrets wrapped in even more secrets within a secret organisation, and people like Minseok-hyung, who probably have full security clearance, are the biggest secrets of them all. I literally have no idea what exactly someone like him does all day."  
It was not so much that his anger was directed at Minseok in particular. Minseok had been part of the system for so long that he probably couldn't help it. The main reason why Jongdae would mention him at all was that it had not seemed as though Chanyeol actually followed the conversation. But suddenly Chanyeol looked strangely intrigued.  
"What makes him so different anyway?" he asked and very obviously tried to sound casual.  
"No idea," Jongdae shrugged. "That's the thing. Judging from what I read in old reports, do we all have similar stories to tell. Someone died, we witnessed it and then we could suddenly see ghosts." He gestured with his hands as though he had just finished a magic trick and Chanyeol frowned at him.  
The truth was that it had taken him a while to be able to think of it in such simple terms. In that respect had it helped to read all the reports Junmyeon had put on his desk over time. Personal files were confidential but after a few decades had passed, some were made public and the principle had not really changed over time. Death was the origin of all summoners. "But no one likes to talk about it. I have no idea what exactly happened to any of the others because those are private information. I can only guess what happened to you because you came after me. And the others know what happened to me because I came after them. And it continues like that until eternity. No one every really knows anything about the others although we're literally the only people we can talk to. Someone like Minseok-hyung has been around for so long, I wouldn't be surprised if no living person knows what happened to him."  
Chanyeol looked at him with an odd expression for a few seconds with his chopsticks in midair. Then he loudly put them on the table and leaned back while he stared at the ceiling. It was a strange moment. Jongdae was pretty sure that Chanyeol understood what he meant, but only because he used Minseok as an example.  
Chanyeol's eyes were still turned to the ceiling when he began, "My friend..." He halted and pressed his lips together before he shifted his gaze to Jongdae with a strangely measuring expression. "My companion was my best friend in high school."  
Jongdae nodded because he had figured that much.   
"He jumped off the roof in school and broke his neck," Chanyeol continued in a strangely emotionless tone. "He confessed to me before that but I thought that he was joking so I told him to piss off. After that I blamed myself and I could already hear him, so I thought I was going crazy and slit my wrist. That's when he fully appeared in front of me." As if he needed to proof the story, he lifted his sleeve and shifted his watch to bare his wrist. Jongdae slightly leaned forward a little to have a better look. The scar was barely visible but unmistakenly there.  
"Huh," he said and realized how foolish he sounded. He wasn't sure what he had expected and wondered whether that was why no one shared their stories. Grief was hard to react to.  
"You'll probably regret telling me that," Jongdae said lamely and Chanyeol shrugged as he pulled down his sleeve again.  
"Better than to spend all my life lying I guess," Chanyeol said but still looked a little awkward as he picked up his chopsticks and noisily slurped down more noodles.  
Jongdae watched him for a moment and wondered. In their job they constantly heard sad stories because every ghost was connected to one. Most ghosts only remained on earth because their death had come too abrupt and really, objectively speaking was Chanyeol not much worse than many of the other stories Jongdae had learned about during his first year in the Office. And yet did summoners refuse to share their stories, because they were secrets. Because they were personal. Because they were open wounds.   
Jongdae hated to internalize his feelings but because the Office was a place of secrets, he had eventually decided that he would not share his trauma with anyone else again. But the longer he kept everything inside, the more did a sad story become a spike.  
So he sighed and folded his arms in front of his chest.   
"My older brother died in a car crash," Jongdae said and Chanyeol looked up. "I was driving."  
Chanyeol showed the same pitiful expression Jongdae had learned to hate during the first months after it had happened. His parents and his friends and the people in the hospital and random neighbors had all looked at him that way.   
"He followed me around until the people from the Office found me. They told me to ask him to leave, so now he haunts the junction where it happened."  
"Oh," Chanyeol said and blinked. "But I thought you can..."  
"Make him leave?" Jongdae asked and Chanyeol nodded in confusion. "Man, what the hell have the others been teaching you? Why am I the one who's telling you all the basics?" He grimaced and Chanyeol's expression lightened a little. "There are rules, you know? We can do whatever is necessary to get rid of a ghost who's possessing someone but if they're just haunting, we're not really supposed to act. My brother isn't the type who'd possess anyone. He just haunts and is generally pretty confused."  
As the words left his mouth, a strange feeling crept up to him. Back when his brother had started to stare down at him in the dark while mumbling barely audible words, he had been terrified. His brother had become a thing, something that ruined his life. But really, his brother had not really done anything to him. He had just been there as a sad reminder of the person he had once been.   
"I mean, he always was a very typical older brother. You know, the kind who constantly embarrasses you because he tries to protect you from everything he sees as a potential threat," he said and unwillingly lifted the corners of his mouth.   
"I have an older sister and she's the same," Chanyeol said with a grin.   
For a moment they just sat there, both happily smiling at their food and Jongdae already felt lighter.   
"I'm totally going to regret telling you that though," he eventually said in mock exasperation and Chanyeol snorted.  
"Better than to spend all you life lying, right?" he said.  
It was then that something in Jongdae's brain short-circuited. Part of him probably simply wanted to change the topic. Whatever it was, he asked, "So now that we're all honest and stuff, what happened during that summoning yesterday?"   
And Chanyeol's face dropped.

When they walked back in perfect wordlessness, Jongdae considered to just go home. His working hours were flexible and he had originally not planned to spend the day in the office anyway. So it probably wouldn't matter if he was just going to leave.   
He had completely made up his mind by the time they reached the building, but then he sensed something strange in the elevator. It was cold. Much too cold. Chanyeol clearly noticed it, too, because he rubbed his arms and gave him a quizzical glance.  
The door of the elevator opened and the corridor was filled with Nameless Ones.  
"What the?" he asked and took a step forward. When he already was at the door to the office and looked back, he saw that Chanyeol still was inside the elevator.  
"You can probably go home. Whatever is going on in there..." Jongdae began and then nervously licked his lips. He was not exactly sure if he himself even would be of any help. He could feel the presence of ghosts, not just Nameless Ones but also that of much more powerful ones.  
The door was thrown open before he could make a decision and he jumped back in surprise. A wave of more Nameless Ones spilled out of the office and with it came Minseok who dragged a shape behind him. It took Jongdae a few seconds until he recognized The Monk, one of the ghosts whose orders were supposed to be obeyed. The Monk was what Jongdae's old manager had been to him, someone he had to respect by default. So it startled him to notice that Minseok's fingers were clawed deep inside the translucent shape. As if the fact that he saw them could make him an accomplice by association.  
"Hyung, stop," Jongdae heard Junmyeon from inside. "You heard what they said. He's fine, so there's no need to-."  
"Where is he?" Minseok asked and a whistling sound emerged from The Monk. Nameless Ones swirled around him like smoke until Jongdae could barely see Minseok any longer. "Where the hell is he?!" Minseok asked a little louder and waved his arm through the Nameless Ones as though they were nothing but a swarm of flies.   
"Hyung!" Junmyeon said as he emerged from the office. He was trailed by The Principal and The Fishmonger and other ghosts whose names Jongdae didn't know. Their mere presence made it hard to breath.  
Minseok turned around to Junmyeon with a furious expression Jongdae had never seen on him. "Their words mean nothing," he spat. "All it means is that he isn't dead yet."  
Junmyeon held his gaze but didn't say anything. He seemed unsure about his position. The Principal moved a little closer to him with a face like a statue.  
Minseok shook his head and then marched off towards the elevator with The Monk still in his hands. All the ghosts stayed behind and Jongdae wondered whether they were scared of him, too. The only things that had ever stopped Minseok from laying hands on any of them were the fragile rules they had put up.  
With Minseok gone, the Nameless Ones slowly disappeared and Junmyeon let out a long sigh as though he had held his breath for much too long. Jongdae frowned at him and then said, "Shit, Chanyeol was in that elevator."  
Junmyeon quickly looked at the doors with wide eyes but didn't move or say anything.  
"What's going on?" Jongdae asked and Junmyeon bit his lower lip with a troubled expression.  
"We don't know where Yixing is," he then said. When Jongdae was about to comment that that hardly was an answer to his question, Junmyeon continued in an awfully small voice, "Minseok-hyung believes that Yixing probably got himself possessed."  
Jongdae blinked at him in confusion. "What?"

\- test subject -

Chanyeol had spent all morning trying to think of things to say. Because he figured that he would eventually have to say something, anything. No matter how humiliated he felt, no matter how much he just wanted to curl up in his bed and not think of anything at all, he knew that he could not simply pretend that nothing had changed. For once he didn't want to run. Kim Minseok already was a presence in his life he didn't want to give up. If only he could catch him by himself, he would say what he wanted to say.  
But it never really was that easy and as he suddenly found himself in an elevator with him, it all felt horribly wrong.

"You have two options," Minseok said with a sharp edge in his voice as he pushed a ghost dressed in grey monk robes into the wall. "You tell me where he is and who's watching him. Or you'll end."  
The ghost wiggled in his grasp but did not immediately reply. There only was a sound like static. Minseok tightened his grip and the ghost faded away a little but only laughed.  
"Kim Minseok, you do not have the strength right now," it said in a voice like breaking ice. "You overestimate the durability of your human body."  
Minseok stared at with blatant disgust and then suddenly let go, as if surprised by something. The ghost disappeared through the wall and the elevator stopped. It was only then that Minseok seemed to notice Chanyeol in the corner. His eyes widened only a little before he gained control over his face.  
"What...?" Chanyeol managed to say before his voice cracked. Whatever this situation was, he was not sure he wanted to be part of it.  
"Byun Baekhyun," Minseok said in a tone like a general on a battlefield. "Can you call him over? I need his help."  
Chanyeol frowned. "It's still too early." When Minseok raised his brows a little as if Chanyeol had just said something stupid, he said, "That's the deal you made. He won't be back before six."  
Minseok angled his head a little, like a teacher who realized that a student was too dense to see the obvious answer to an equation. "There are still less ghosts around you than around a regular person," he said. When Chanyeol must have given him an incomprehensice glance, he explained, "That's his influence. He never leaves far enough that you're out of his reach, even if you can't feel his presence. That's how he always finds you right away." There was distaste in his voice.  
"Right," Chanyeol said and felt irritation rising up inside him.   
Maybe he had not been able to tell that Baekhyun never really left him alone.   
Maybe he was too stupid to immediately understand what was going on around him.   
Maybe.   
But he hated how these things were constantly sprung onto him. All Minseok ever did was to bombard him with things he couldn't deal with. So he was angry when he said, "Okay, but why should I? I don't even know what's going on here. This is all just fucking mad. How do I know that you're not asking me to call him over so that you can do to him what you did to that ghost just now? And why should I always do what you're telling me anyway? Who the fuck are you to do that to me?" He only realized that he had balled his hands into fists when his finger nails painfully dug into his palm.  
Minseok looked at him with an odd expression. For a second the mask cracked and there was worry written all over his face.  
"Yixing, the one who works with us, is currently in danger," he then said solemnly and Chanyeol felt a shiver running down his spine.  
"But that ghost just now..." he said because he had seen them coming out of the office. He had also heard Junmyeon trying to stop Minseok. But it made no sense if the one Minseok was looking for was a colleague.  
"Works for the Office," Minseok nodded. "They won't help. To them it's another case study. They do that all the time. Whenever something bad happens, they watch and see how it pans out. There's probably someone from another office who's watching Yixing right now."  
Something about his words felt oddly familiar, so all Chanyeol could do in reaction was to blink at him. The thought felt incredibly cruel.  
Minseok hesitated for a second, before he continued, "That's what they did to you, too. It's not that they didn't find you. They found you ten years ago, but you were more valuable as a test subject than as a summoner."  
It was like a slap in the face and Chanyeol felt oddly numb. The last ten years seemed to flash by, but suddenly they were warped. Nameless Ones had approached him before, but he had never thoúght that much about them. He had been incredibly clueless. Like a moron he had lived his life while a whole organisation had stood and watched.  
"I won't let them do that again," Minseok said quietly. When their eyes met, it was painfully obvious that he really meant it. "So I need your friend's..." He stopped for a second and furrowed his brows. "I need your help."  
Chanyeol gulped. Part of him wanted to turn away because he couldn't be sure what he would get himself into. He was sick of the lies and the secrets and the constant stream of ridiculous facts that were thrown at him. The part of him that was rational also wondered whether Minseok had always been honest with him. If he knew that Chanyeol had been watched, he had probably been involved somehow.  
But then Chanyeol sighed.  
"Baekhyun-ah," he said and immediately felt the familiar coldness creeping up to him.


	14. the chase

\- eyewitness account -

"Okay, so let's say you knew anything about a summoner called..." Jongin began and then looked at Tao who stood next to him and leaned in with a frown.  
"Zhang Yixing," Tao said loud enough that Kyungsoo at the other end of the line could probaby hear him. Just to make sure, Jongin repeated the name into the receiver.  
"He works in the north," Tao added. Jongin blinked at him in irritation because he knew that much or else he wouldn't have contacted Kim Minseok, but then he continued, "He works for the Northern branch. So, let's say you knew that he's being followed by someone. Who would you contact about it?"

It frankly was a long shot but he wanted to show that he was still a good summoner, even if he had not seen any clues that could help.   
About an hour after Jongin had called him, Minseok had called back, this time a lot more urgent. At first Jongin had been a little proud that the great Kim Minseok would need his help, but then it had quickly become awkward because Minseok had demanded things Jongin couldn't deliver. The fact that he had been able to recognize Zhang Yixing's face frankly already was good enough in his opinion, given that he had barely had any time to look into the ghost and had not known that there was anything he should have looked out for to begin with.   
"There were trees and a room but... I don't know. I can't remember anything else," Jongin had said vaguely.  
"No other summoner?" Minseok had then asked in a strange tone and Jongin had been taken aback a little.  
"Why would there be anyone else?" he had asked because he had wondered what kind connection Minseok would have found with the little information he had given him. Something must have happened after that initial call.  
There had been a pause after that. Minseok had probably wondered whether it would make sense to involve someone who clearly had nothing more to offer. But then he had said, "They probably sent someone to watch him. To create a special file."  
And then it had all suddenly made sense.   
It had only been a little over a year since Jongin's security level had changed, so he had not really been through many of the more problematic files but he knew the principle. Summoners were not always supposed to act right away. In fact, almost every potential summoner was first watched for a while before they were finally approached. In his case it had been less than a year, just to see how he would be able to deal with the fact that he was sent to an orphanage after his complete family had died. His luck was that he had probably been boring to watch and that he had a useful ability. If not, they would have dragged it out much longer. Most summoners were watched for a minimum of at least twelve months.  
It was one of those things he had never wanted to find out because it made him uncomfortable. So far he had never been asked to watch anyone and he constantly hoped that they had not only upgraded him so that they could give him more duties like that. Despite everything, he still believed that the Office's main duty was to help and not to do human experiments.  
So he knew that he probably overstepped a line. He knew that he probably should have ended the call like that, without getting involved in something he knew would probably cause him trouble. But well, it technically already was too late. He had made the first call, so he had said, "I haven't seen anything but I can try to find out who's watching him. I know someone in the archives."

But even then he had not really expected to find out anything useful.  
The people in the archives were a special kind of breed. They were largely comprised of retired summoners and those whose abilities were not great enough to ever become more. Archivists were largely secretive and borderline rude and obsessed with following the rules. But luck wanted it that Do Kyungsoo, one of the archivists, had worked with Jongin for about a year before he had asked to be transferred because summoning had not suited him. Kyungsoo was in theory quite like the other archivists. But he also was a friend, which always made it much easier to spot a lie.  
"That's confidential," Kyungsoo said evenly. The answer lay in the phrasing.  
"So you do know that he's being followed," Jongin noted. There was a small disapproving sound, but Kyungsoo didn't reply any further. Jongin knew that he was responsible for filing all the reports from Seoul. Which meant that there already was a file.  
"Who's following him?" he asked and apparently was so frank that Kyungsoo initially only let out a strangled noise.   
"I'm not sure you should get involved," Kyungsoo then said in a way that made his words sound very odd. As if he knew more than what he normally would.  
"What's he saying?" Tao whispered next to him and Jongin turned a little to shake him off.   
"Look, this is important. We have reason to believe that he needs help and right now his whereabouts seem to be unknown. Just give me a hint and I'll leave you alone," Jongin said quickly. When there only was a sigh at the other end, he added, "It's not me who's looking for him by the way. Kim Minseok is."  
His words had the effect he had hoped for because Kyungsoo clearly sharply sucked in the air through his teeth. As an archivist he would obviously have read more of Minseok's reports than Jongin had. Minseok could sound terrifying on paper.  
"They..." Kyungsoo began and then clearly hesitated. He knew that confidential information were not supposed to be shared and that there was not much the coud hide from the armada of ghosts around them. But then he continued, "When they order summoners to be watched, they never send other summoners. They always send someone neutral. All the missing details can later be compiled by the summoners themselves."  
Jongin frowned because he wasn't sure how that answer was supposed to help him in any way. Whether it was a summoner or someone else, they had submitted a report and had the information he needed. But then he wondered. Who else could they have sent if not a summoner? There were not that many other groups employed by the Office left. It could have been an administrator from the head office but he doubted that because they usually were busy enough already. Or it could have been an archivist. An archivist who had worked as a summoner and had access to confidential files.  
"Okay," he said and Kyungsoo let out another sigh. He would never admit that he was the one watching Zhang Yixing, even if Jongin was going to ask directly. But now that he focussed on the sounds in the background, he heard street noises. Cars and a faint melody and people talking. The archives were usually filled with deafening silence.  
"Okay, so... So where would you be looking for him? Zhang Yixing I mean?" he asked. At the mention of the name, Tao raised his eyebrows.   
Again, there was a long pause and Jongin wondered whether they could maybe simply track Kyungsoo's phone. Wherever he was, maybe they were lucky and he was currently on a stakeout.   
But then Kyungsoo said, "Did you know? Some ghosts look for human contact when they borrow a body."  
"Yeah," Jongin said because he knew that much. He had spent days tracking and following ghosts who were smart enough to stay in a crowd. But Kyungsoo obviously wouldn't tell him that to lecture him.  
"And if they're old ghosts, they like old places," Kyungsoo said in a weirdly distant tone, as if in trance. "Bukchon for example. Many old buildings. I heard there's a good samgyetang restaurant, too. Ghosts like to eat."  
He didn't sound as though he wanted to elaborate any further, so Jongin quicky thanked him and said goodbye.  
"So..." Tao said and looked at him questioningly. "What now?"  
Jongin stared at him for a moment while he tried to clear his head. His next step was the truly important one and that realization only slowly sunk in. It was one thing to know a secret and another to share it. "I'll call Kim Minseok and tell him what I found out. And then I hope that I won't get fired."  
Tao nodded at him apprehensively. "Okay." Then, when Jongin already was in the middle of calling Minseok, Tao's eyes widened and he asked, "Wait, is that something I should be worried about? I mean, I'm not involved because I identified Yixing, am I?"  
Minseok had alread picked up, when Tao muttered something in Chinese that sounded like swears.

\- stakeout -

"So, we're just going to wait?" Chanyeol asked as he flipped through a car magazine. He was twenty-six and did have a driver's license but oddly felt like a child looking at something made for grown-ups. It was not just the fact that he was a bike person instead of a car person, but the knowledge that he was out of place in the small convenience store. The cashier had thrown them more than one suspicious glance because Minseok didn't even pretend to read anything. The fashion magazine he had randomly grabbed was still in its plastic cover.  
"I mean, we can't just stand here for hours," he hissed and leaned in a little further to Minseok. "Who knows how long they're going to stay in there? Some people stay hours in one single restaurant, especially when they're on a date. And if what Baekhyun says he saw is right, that's a date situation in there."  
Minseok clenched his jaw but still fixated the small building on the other side of the street rather than to reply.  
"Are you hungry and want to eat there or what are you trying to hint at?" Baekhyun snorted from the shelf with snacks behind them. Chanyeol was good at ignoring him but it still took him more effort than usual to not turn around furiously.   
"We can't react as quicky if we're in there and the place is so small that they would definitely notice us," Minseok said in a dispassionate voice. "Yixing knows who we are and what we look like. Staying here is currently the best option we have."  
"Right," Chanyeol said and stared down at the magazine in his hands. He had only half expected an answer because it was obvious that he was not really any help. Minseok had whispered something to Baekhyun in the bus towards Bukchon and whatever it was, in this moment Baekhyun, the ghost, was more useful than he was. Unlike them Baekhyun had at least been able to throw a quick glance inside the restaurant.  
But he didn't just want to spend his time in suffocating silence, so he asked, "But if he's possessed, then he's not in control, right? And the ghost doesn't know us, so he wouldn't recognize us."   
The question wasn't meant to mean much, so it was odd when Baekhyun didn't use the chance for another joke and instead floated a little closer to Minseok, as if eager to hear the answer. It also wasn't unsual for Minseok not to answer right away, but there was a certain tenseness in the way he twisted the magazine enough that there was a faint sound of crumpling plastic.  
"Ghosts usually have access to memories," he then said.  
"Oh," Chanyeol said and then nodded apprehensively. "So that's how he'd know us."   
Minseok threw him a quick side glance that was hard to read, and Baekhyun let out a gurgling noise. It was then that it hit him. "Wait a second," he said a little too loudly and nearly dropped the magazine when he turned around to Minseok. The cashier made a disapproving sound, so he continued in a much smaller voice, "What do you mean, they have access to memories? All memories?"  
Minseok flinched a little but continued to stare ahead when he shrugged, "Usually, yes."  
And then it suddenly made sense. Things Baekhyun had said that he had not even questioned. Things Baekhyun couldn't have known unless he had seen more than Minseok would have ever willingly talked about. Baekhyun would have seen the things that had made Minseok the person he now was, the things Jongdae suspected no living person knew about.  
"What the hell?" Chanyeol accidentally said out loud and Minseok turned his head a little to look at him. He felt Baekhyun shift away from them a little, as if he didn't want to be caught in any potential crossfire. But Chanyeol wasn't angry. Not really. It wasn't anger, but another undefined emotion that burned just as much because nothing made sense any longer. Minseok sometimes pushed and sometimes pulled and constantly seemed to contradict himself.  
"I mean, if you knew that... If you knew what would happen, why did you...?" Why did he willingly get possessed for a small deal as stupid as the one he had made with Baekhyun? The more Chanyeol found out about what possessions really meant for a host, the less he understood why he would have gone through with it. Why for him? Why at all? After everything Chanyeol had heard about him, he would have never had to step that low.   
The questions swirled around his head, but before he could collect his thoughts enough to properly phrase them, Minseok again focussed his attention on the world outside the store. "They're leaving," he said quickly and randomly put the magazine back on a staple without lowering his gaze while he already moved towards the exit.  
Chanyeol looked outside to where the body of Zhang Yixing threw his arm around a girl in a red coat. There was a mismatching shape around him, just like how when Baekhyun had possessed Kim Minseok.   
"So, yeah, the bottom line is that I probably know more about him than you ever will if you don't step up your game," Baekhyun said jokingly and it took Chanyeol all his effort to bite back his snarky response.

The ghost and the girl walked and walked and the world slowly became colder and darker as the three followed them.  
"So," Chanyeol finally said after a long moment of silence as he shoved his hands deeper into the pockets of his jackets. "Is the standard protocol to wait until the ghost is alone?"  
Minseok didn't answer but pressed his lips together. He probably liked this as little as Chanyeol did.  
"Because I get that we shouldn't alert the person he's with and everything, and, you know, I'm obviously not an expert on ghosts picking up girls..."  
Behind them Baekhyun snickered and he forgot what he had wanted to say. For a split second he wondered whether it would have gone both ways and whether Minseok would also know the things Baekhyun had seen.   
He hoped that the irritation in his voice wasn't too obvious when he eventually continued, "To me it looks like we probably won't catch him alone any time soon. I bet they either end up wherever she lives or, if we're lucky, in a hotel."  
Minseok didn't slow down but let out a sigh that made it clear that the thought had occurred to him, too.  
"And if we spent all night waiting in front of a random apartment building, chances are that some neighbor will call the police on us," Chanyeol said.  
This time Minseok stopped and threw him a tired glance. "So what do you suggest?" he asked in the manner of someone who hated to admit that he was out of his depths.   
It was the first time that day that Minseok actually gave him a chance to utter his thoughts and for a short moment, Chanyeol was uncertain. He did not technically have a full-fledged plan, just a very vague idea. "You're sure that he'll recognize me because Yixing-sshi has met me before, right?" he then asked.  
Minseok frowned but said, "Probably."  
Chanyeol nodded. "All right. Probably will do." He bit his lower lip, took a deep breath and then forced a smile on his face. "Just follow my lead."   
He was about to dash off when Minseok suddenly held onto his wrist. Chanyeol blinked at him when Minseok searched his gaze for a few seconds with furrowed brows. Then, Minseok moved his free hand below his collar and pulled a leather string that was attached to an occult-looking metal ornament over his head. He looked at it and then turned Chanyeol's hand to put it on his palm. "Wear this or else you might end up getting possessed," he said.  
Chanyeol slowly wrapped his hand around the talisman. The metal was still warm. "That's not the only one you have though, is it?" he asked and felt stupid because he still had not thought of getting one himself and because Minseok clearly knew that.  
"I'm fine," Minseok said and it was not really an answer but sounded definite.  
"Okay," Chanyeol said and stared at the talisman before he finally pulled it over his head. It felt surprisingly heavy on his chest. "Okay, here we go," he said again and took another deep breath while Minseok looked at him with an oddly solemn expression. And then he ran after the ghost and the girl with the red coat.

"Hyung, noona has been looking all over the place for you," he wailed and put as much of the frustration he had accumulated during the last couple of weeks into his voice as possible. Despite the talisman, he could feel the coldness of the ghost through the fabric of Zhang Yixing's jacket. He wanted to let go of his arm, but was afraid that the ghost would run.   
"Who the hell are you?" the ghost asked angrily but it was obvious that he recognized him. That was exactly what Chanyeol had counted on. Baekhyun had been clumsy in Minseok's body, and this ghost was, too.  
"Hyung, how can you do this to us? Noona said that she doesn't care about the money, as long as you come back to her," he said and was amazed when he felt his eyes watering. All it took was to imagine his own sister being cheated on. When he sensed Baekhyun getting closer, he twisted his upper body and yelled, "Minseok-hyung, I told you it was him. Noona will be so happy." He pointed at the ghost squirming in his grasp and Minseok looked taken aback at him suddenly dropping all formalities.   
Again, this had the wanted effect because the ghost clearly knew Minseok, too. If Chanyeol was a minor annoyance, Minseok was an actual threat and that sudden fear showed on his face. The ghost tried to push him away and muttered incoherent words, until the girl finally asked, "What's going on here?"  
"I don't-," the ghost began, when Chanyeol already interrupted him, "I'm so, so sorry about this. This must all seem so strange. Hyung is engaged to our sister and we were in the middle of preparing for their wedding, when he suddenly disappeared. He said he had debts and we... We were all so scared that something could have happened to him."  
The girl narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "Wedding? Debts?" she asked the ghost who violently shook his head.  
"I don't know what he's talking about," the ghost muttered and threw a quick glance at Minseok.  
The girl folded her arms in front of her chest and the ghost attempted to say something else, when Baekhyun suddenly slapped the side of his head. He whirled around, but then probably realized that he looked idiotic because she couldn't have seen anything.  
"I should go," the girl then said angrily and started to march off with loudly clicking heels.  
"Shit," the ghost muttered under his breath. Then, when she was finally out of earshot, he angrily shook Chanyeol off himself and said, "Look, I know the rules. I have not done anything illegal here. I have this guy's explicit permission. I can only implore you to confirm that with him before you punish me for something that was not even my idea." He pointed at his chest as if that prove his point.  
"We know," Minseok said and Chanyeol looked at him in surprise. Now the whole situation finally made sense. Summoners didn't get possessed unless they could help it. That was what Jongdae had said. So if there suddenly were some who got possessed willingly, they would be interesting as case studies. Which in return made him wonder if Minseok was being watched, too. Or if they both were. The mere thought made him feel paranoia tingling at the back of his neck.  
"But you running rogue with his body probably was not his intention," Minseok continued in an eerily calm voice. "You're in there, so I assume you know better than us that he's not well."  
The ghost clicked his tongue. "So?" he shrugged. "That's hardly my concern, is it? Do you expect me to turn down this kind of opportunity because a summoner recklessly thought he could fight me?"  
Minseok sighed and looked down with a troubled expression. "No," he then said. "No, you're right. It's none of your concern. But it's ours." He didn't even say it in a threatening tone, but the ghost instinctively got into a fighting stance.  
"I have permission," the ghost said defiantly. "You can't make me leave if I have permission."  
Minseok looked at him with an almost bored expression and then said, "I could though. You know who I am, so you probably also know that I could get away with it."   
The words weren't even directed at him, but Chanyeol felt a shiver running down his spine. But there was something odd about them. It sounded like an empty threat, because he doubted that Minseok normally wasted this much time on talking.  
"I need you to get out of there," Minseok said in a way that made it sound final. "But you're right, this is not technically your fault. So I give you two choices. Either I make you leave, or you possess me instead."  
Chanyeol sharply sucked in the air through his teeth, so Minseok added, "Not indefinitely of course."  
The ghost stared at him and then snorted, "Do I look like an idiot to you?"  
Rather than to reply Minseok started to rummage through the pockets of his coat until he pulled out a small sack he then threw at Chanyeol. Chanyeol only barely caught it and frowned at him in confusion. "Put that in one of Yixing's pockets once he's free," Minseok said to him and then wrinkled his nose while he held out his hand towards the ghost. "You have my permission. I promise I won't kick you out for at least a week."  
"What?" Chanyeol gasped but Minseok didn't spare him a single glance.  
"I'm not an idiot," the ghost muttered.  
"Are you crazy? If you keep doing this-," Chanyeol began when Minseok loudly interrupted him. "Last warning!"   
Then, when the ghost finally took a step in his direction, Minseok quickly looked into Chanyeol's direction and said, "If he passes out, you'll have to catch him."  
And then everything happened all very fast. A translucient shape left the body of Zhang Yixing and Chanyeol could barely react quickly enough to prevent him from hitting the concrete below him like a bag of cement. Yixing fell and he slipped and they ended up as pile on the ground. When Chanyeol finally managed to look up, Minseok nearly staggered onto the street but then stopped and breathed heavily with his hands rested on his thighs.  
"Put the talisman in his pocket," Baekhyun said as he appeared in front of him and Chanyeol stared at him in confusion. It seemed to take him an eternity to first realize what he meant and to then look at the small sack in his hand. "Come on, man. Hurry up," Baekhyun said and tried to kick through his knee but was stopped by the talisman around Chanyeol's neck.  
"Oh, yeah. Right," Chanyeol then said and shoved the sack into the breast pocket of Yixing's coat. "Happy now?" he asked when Baekhyun already quickly moved away from them and slammed into Minseok.  
"What the?" Chanyeol let out because he didn't immediately understand what he was seeing. At first it looked as if he was just attacking him from outside and tried to pull the ghost out. He put his hand inside Minseok's chest and managed to grab hold of the ghost of a second, only to then be shoved away. He cried out in frustration and floated away a little. It almost seemed as though he was about to give up when he suddenly moved high above Minseok's head and then jumped down. He, too, disappeared into his body and Chanyeol quickly scrambled to his feet.  
"Shit," he said and ran towards them but then didn't know what to do. Minseok dropped to his knees while there was a furious halo around him. There were legs and arms and heads and then, suddenly, there was nothing.  
"Minseok-sshi?" Chanyeol asked carefully and kneeled down in front of him. "Minseok-sshi, are you...?" he began and lightly touched his shoulder. Minseok looked up but his face was completely expressionless. Then there was a jolt going through his body and a shape left him like a reverse lightning bolt. Minseok shook himself and then loudly said, "You know what? Fuck this. Easy for him to say that I'm supposed to fight a fucking ghost. Maybe he likes to fight, but I was in the fucking school choir for a reason. Remember that one time I was in the lunch line and argued with the girl behind me about the last milk carton? And then I lost because she kicked me? That was literally the worst fight I ever got into. And he knew that. He knew all of that. Fuck that guy, seriously."  
Chanyeol blinked at him in confusion for a few seconds while Minseok's body stood up with a groan and dusted off his knees. "Baekhyun?" Chanyeol then asked and Minseok looked down at him as though he was daft.  
"Yeah," he then said angrily and watched Chanyeol get to his feet. "There you go. That was his great plan. That's what he needed me for. Fucking asshole."  
Chanyeol frowned at him and panic rose up inside him. After everthing he now knew, it suddenly was a lot harder to watch. "Get out of him," he said quietly and was surprised at the edge in his voice. It sounded foreign even to him.  
"Can't," Baekhyun said with a shrug.  
"Can't or won't?" Chanyeol asked more loudly than intended.  
Rather than to immediately reply, Baekhyun let out a long sigh and started to inspect Minseok's hands. He flexed them and then balled them into fists and just when Chanyeol was about to just hit him, he said, "It's like he's not even here right now."  
"What?" Chanyeol asked.  
"Look," Baekhyun began in an unusually patient tone and a strange expression. "He's out cold and he knew that would happen. He did these things too much lately. So unless you want to carry both him and that guy over there, you'll have to let me walk him home. I can't help you unless I'm in here."


	15. advancement

\- advancement -

One day, Luhan said something strange during a big get-together. They stood close to the door to get some fresh air and watched a group of people from somewhere in the very south of the Korean peninsula who smoked outside and loudly discussed the speech given by the president of the head office an hour earlier. He had rattered through a long list of people with exceptional behavior who would receive a bonus. Everyone had clapped politely and had hoped that it would quickly end so that they could all finally raid the buffet. Yixing, too, had stopped listening at some point. From his office, Junmyeon and Minseok had been mentioned, but he had barely known any of the other names.  
"I don't think it's much of an incentive if you always award the same people though," one of the guys from the south said loudly while puffing out a cloud of smoke. "If I know that it's Lee Hajoon who gets mentioned and Lee Hajoon who gets the bonus and Lee Hajoon who gets to do all the interesting things, why should I put in any effort? I don't even know what makes him so much better than the rest of us anyway."  
Yixing didn't mean to eavesdrop but unwillingly thought of his father. The constant battle for promotions had eventually broken him. A system, in which people worked against each other rather than with each other, could not possibly work, so Yixing himself had always avoided to work in a company like that. But at the end of the day, the Office, too, was just a company and even if his branch office was harmonious, things could easily change the moment someone more ambitious joined. He didn't like the thought.  
"They don't understand it yet," Luhan then suddenly said while he stirred the remains of his cocktail. There was nothing left but crushed ice and a sad-looking mint leaf. "It's all predestined."  
Normally, Yixing would not have asked any questions because Luhan had a tendency to spout very random things when he drank. But there was something about the word. It was one of those words that touched that part in him that still believed in miracles, so he asked, "Predestined?"  
Luhan looked at him with slightly cloudy eyes and didn't say anything for a long moment, as if he wasn't sure what he himself was talking about. Then, he squinted his eyes. "Well, you'll notice it sooner or later anyway, so what the hell." He shrugged and took a futile sip of his drink. "There are only two types of people who have a chance to have a real career here." He made a deliberately long pause and Yixing nodded to show that he was listening.  
"First, there are the obvious ones like Minseok who gets to do everything that is difficult or dangerous. People don't normally envy him because, well, why should they, right? He's the executioner in a row of regular prison officers. No one really wants that job."  
Yixing nodded again, even though the description was rather harsh. He looked up to Minseok because he did things he knew no one else could do. But he also understood that he had a role not everyone could fulfill.  
"But then there's the second type. Those people everyone secretly loathes because they're often just very mediocre but get all the responsibilities. Like that guy they were talking about." Luhan nodded into the direction of the guys outside who now talked about baseball and then pulled a face while he stared at a point further inside the room. "There's usually one of those in every office."  
When Yixing followed his glance, he saw Yifan talking to Zitao close to the bar. He frowned, because he had always got the impression that Luhan and Yifan got along rather well.  
It seemed uncomfortably personal, so he wasn't really sure how to react, when Luhan already continued, "It probably seems coincidental if you don't understand the system behind it. Because the things is that we're all on a rather broad spectrum. Where we end up is all determined in that moment when we stop being regular people and become summoners."  
He didn't elaborate and Yixing considered the idea for a moment, but still didn't see the connection. Part of him also didn't want to think about it because it shook up memories he wanted to remain buried.  
He probably looked extremely confused, because Luhan eventually sighed and explained, "Basically, it depends on how deep the shock in that moment was. People who are mediocre but succesful are that way because the shock wasn't deep enough. People who are exceptional had some real shit happening to them. And if it was pretty bad but not so bad that you have a special ability, you're essentially too much of a liability to give you any important duties."

The words struck him because it was something he had never really considered. He had read enough reports before to know that every summoner's starting point was more or less the same, but the possibility that there were differences suddenly felt disillusioning. Of course it had occurred to him that there were limits. He understood that he could not become someone like Minseok because there still were such things as talent and natural inclination. But even if he would never be able to touch ghosts, he had at least expected to become a mentor like Junmyeon. He had hoped that he at least had that chance.  
And suddenly he was faced with the possibility that he was a 'liability' because the worst moment in his life had either been too bad or not bad enough. The rest of his life had been determined that day when his father had killed his neighbor with a pair of cloth shears, the neighbor whose promotion he had stolen years earlier, the neighbor whose son Yixing had played with, the neighbor who had raped Yixing's mother. Yixing had been fifteen when she had been found dead at the edge of Xiang River. For years they had wondered whether it had been an accident while she had whispered to him in his nightmares and caused him to be scared of the dark. For years they had lived in uncertainty. His father had completely buried himself in work. Yixing had started to live with his grandparents. And then, seven years later, the neighbor had finally given away his secret in a heated argument about whether or not the city should be allowed to cut down the old tree next to the post office. The tree had stayed. Yixing's father had been found dead next to his neighbor and even before the call had reached him, Yixing had known. He had known because his father had already appeared in front of him, bleeding from his neck, waving around the shears, talking about revenge, being barely more than a shadow in the light of the afternoon sun.   
"I can't find your mother," his father had said over and over again for two years until the Office had found them and decided to ship Yixing off to Korea. It was then that they must have categorized him and put him into a box. And he hated it, because the more he thought about it, the more he saw his parents' deaths through the eyes of the Office. He knew that it was not a very light story, and he knew that there were worse ones. He knew that in their evaluation system, he was a risk factor because hauntings like the one he had experienced were a huge emotional burden. If not, they would have allowed him to stay in China rather than to force him to leave everything behind in hope that his father could not follow.  
And then he understood. He was too far in the middle and if Luhan was right, he would be stuck there indefinitely. It was like having all the lights snuffed out around him. Life had nothing more to offer because the moment that had ruined everything would force him to stay in the same place forever.

And then he found light.

"I believe that's the point of the report. Figure out how it works. Find a way to fight it. Get rid of the ghost from within. Summoners could be able to do that," Minseok suddenly said during an argument about whether or not it made sense for summoners to willingly become possessed. And at first, Yixing didn't really think about it too deeply. It was nothing but a theorem. He had read the report, so he knew that it was not at all about summonings and just about the experience of a possession itself. After all, it didn't seem like the most practical idea to get possessed during a summoning and there were no other situations in which they were supposed to meddle with ghosts to begin with.   
Not even when it became obvious that Minseok had become possessed, Yixing really thought of it as something connected to himself. It amazed him to hear Minseok's ramblings in the sterile light of the office at night because it was such a typical thing for him to do. No one ever mentioned it but they all knew that Minseok lived for those moments when a ghosts went rogue and when he could judge whether they were allowed to ascend or whether they would cease to exist. Minseok had that power. Minseok was like a god walking among humans. He aways defied all odds.  
But then, as Yixing reached his dark apartment and was blinded when he turned on the lights in the hallway, he remembered Luhan's words.  
Ever since he had witnessed Minseok kill a ghost, he had thought of him as invincible. But the only major difference was the moment they had witnessed someone die. For Minseok to have the kind of power he had, he would have suffered from a shock that was evaluated differently from Yixing's. The death would have been objectively worse, whatever that even really meant, and whatever had happened to him, would have triggered Minseok's wish to kill ghosts. That wish would have come first, right before Minseok had become the person he was now.  
And then the world around Yixing seemed to shift, like something that looked three-dimensional and turned out to be a painting. It all suddenly seemed so easy.  
What was it that set them apart?   
The Office had forced them into roles according to a value system in which trauma was categorized. Minseok's was worse than Yixing's, so he was an asset while Yixing was a liability.  
What was it that set them apart?  
Minseok did things no one else did. He had the kind of position no one questioned because they accepted him as a necessary part of the machinery that was the Office.  
What was it that set them apart?  
Unlike the others, Minseok actually hated ghosts. They all knew that but they needed him, so they never openly said it despite it being so blatantly obvious. Minseok hated every ghost, whether it was those possessing humans, or the Nameless Ones, or the companion of Park Chanyeol.   
What was it that set them apart?  
Minseok had no scruples killing ghosts.  
What was it that set them apart?  
Minseok didn't believe in impossibilities. He was not supposed to be able to kill what was not alive any longer, and yet he did.   
Minseok read a report that most people thought of as useless and terrifying and saw it as a chance.

A chance.

And then Yixing knew.  
Maybe it would not make him a better summoner.  
Maybe it would not actually help him change his position.  
But if he didn't try and if he simply accepted the role they had assigned to him, nothing would ever change. His parents' deaths would forever haunt him and force him to stay in a place that would gradually become worse as new recruits were going to overtake him. Even Jongdae, who was supposed to be at the bottom of the tiny hierarchy that was the Northern branch, already started to gain the kind of duties Yixing probably would never be assigned to.

All he wanted was to at least have a chance to change. To become better.To become more useful. To escape some of his nightmares.  
But before he knew it, he became lost and the light he thought he had found turned into the kind of darkness that had swallowed him the day his father had died.

He tried to fight but whenever a ghost possessed him, it was the exact same. He became paralyzed. He watched as the ghost did things he didn't want to happen.  
And in the end he always found himself waking up in unfamiliar places.

Next time it would be different.  
If he tried harder, it would become different.  
If only he tried harder he could become more like Minseok and less like Luhan, who would forever stay in the same place.  
If only...

"I'm the last person to judge you," Minseok's voice said from somewhere to his left. He blinked but was blinded by bright light. For a second he wondered whether he was dead and whether this was nirvana. The last time he had woken up after losing his conscience somewhere along the line, he had found himself behind trash cans in a back alley. This was different. It was warm.  
"I'm just curious as to why you did it," Minseok continued and sounded warped, as though he was underwater. Yixing rubbed his ears and then rolled to his side. A groan escaped him. He definitely was still alive. The pain in his body was proof of that.  
"We all have reasons for the things we do," Minseok said and there was an edge to his voice. For his standards he almost sounded angry. "So I would like to know yours."  
Yixing kept blinking as his eyes slowly adapted to the reality around him. When he flexed his left hand, he felt soft fabric brushing against it. Light fell through a window with grey curtains. Minseok sat on a chair and looked down on him while he tried to lift himself up from the bed he had woken up in. How he had got there, he didn't know, but he immediately understood that it would have been Minseok's house. Only Minseok would have so many protective charms that Yixing couldn't even hear the constant static of the ghosts outside. It had been years since he had been in a place this quiet.  
"I..." he began and then halted because he wasn't sure how to reply. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to reply at all. His whole body ached and all he wanted was to go back to sleep and it was probably this weariness that made him sound defiant when he said, "I did it because I want to believe that we all have the same chances."  
Minseok stared at him with a blank expression as if he needed to process the words and then frowned, "Chances?"  
He didn't to explain it because he felt like a little boy who had broken his legs in an attempt to fly. He had failed and for all he knew, Minseok had rescued him. It suddenly all felt so futile.  
So he slowly began with Luhan's theory and the thoughts he had put into it after Minseok had brought up the report. He tried to give logic reasons as to why he had thought of it as possible. The last thing he wanted was to come across as the kind of traumatized fanatic the Office probably saw him as.   
And while he gave a lenghthy explanation, Minseok patiently listened with a solemn expression. It almost was like speaking to any of the ghosts in the Office who made decisions without any explanation or emotion. He could almost hear Minseok's judgment.   
'Just stop being foolish and do what you're told.' That was how the Office worked.  
So in his need to justify himself, he accidentally said, "I can't live with the idea that my parents' deaths somehow weren't enough."  
And he immediately regretted it.  
He knew that both Minseok and Junmyeon knew the story. They had been briefed and he had initially not known that it was a taboo to talk about these things. But it was probably exactly because Minseok knew it, that his eyes suddenly widened.  
"I mean," Yixing quickly added. "Isn't that what it's like for all of us? Pain isn't something that's supposed to be measured. We're all in pain or else we wouldn't be here. And yet I can already tell that there are things they won't let me do. Everyone gets to train your recruit except for me. Only you get to do the things that seem interesting but if I can't even get the tiniest amount of responsibilty... How am I supposed to move on? How am I not supposed to blame my parents because they died and because they left me like this? So I was hoping... I was wishing that there maybe was a chance for me, too. If they decided that I can't be responsible, maybe I can show them that I am actually able to."  
He had barely finished his speech when he already knew. His actions had done nothing but prove the complete opposite of his initial intenton and Minseok's aghast expression made that painfully obvious.  
For a moment none of them said a word. Minseok looked down with furrowed brows and Yixing felt pathetic.   
"It's because they were your parents," Minseok then said but still didn't lift his gaze. He made a long pause and Yixing wondered whether he would just have to live with yet another cryptic Office response, when Minseok finally looked up and continued, "They're not measuring pain. There's a rule according to which those who have lost their parents or their children are not allowed as many duties. It's not about you in particular."  
Yixing blinked at him.  
"There's a rule," he then echoed and it somehow reminded him of his father. There were rules. Everyone followed the rules of an organisation. No one ever questioned them. "So why..." be began and had to collect his thoughts for a moment. It probably made no sense to ask why no one ever bothered to tell them these internal rules because major decisions were made by ghosts and ghosts never explained anything. The less the Office bees knew, the less likely was it for them to riot.   
"Why just parents?" he then asked but even that answer was obvious. Minseok only pressed his lips together in response but that already was enough. Yixing had witnessed enough summonings to know. Pain couldn't be measured be he also always took extra caution around parents and their children. They were emotionally too close and too likely to become psychotic.   
That was why he was too likely to become a liability.  
But that still only explained half of Luhan's theory. It now made sense that Jongdae, who had lost his brother, automatically had a better chance than he had.   
But the question that remained was how someone like Minseok had come into existence. Before Park Chanyeol, it had seemed obvious that Minseok would never teach anyone. The things he did were completely dfferent from those Junmyeon did, almost as if he actually had the same starting point as Yixing.  
"Did you lose your parents?" Yixing asked quietly and didn't actually expect an answer. Minseok never talked about these things. Someone like him had probably already been swallowed up by the black hole that was the inner circle of the Office.  
But then Minseok let out a small sigh. "My mother," he said.  
Yixing considered that for a moment.  
"But I still don't have a chance," he then concluded and Minseok gave him the sorry expression of someone who executed the rules but didn't make them. The executioner, killing in the name of anonymous faces.  
"Even if I get possessed a hundred times, I will never be able to do what you do," Yixing continued and felt desperation clawing at him. "Because in the end it's exactly as Luhan said and it is measured. And your mother... whatever happened to her was worse than what happened to mine."  
"No," Minseok said loudly enough that Yixing instinctively flinched away a little. He couldn't remember the last time Minseok had raised his voice. It seemed to echo through the small room.  
"No," Minseok then said more quietly and furrowed his brows. "This is not about better or worse. It's just different. I'm not like this because my mother died but because she refused to."  
"What?" Yixing asked and Minseok bit his lips. He had probably already said more than planned.  
Yixing knew that he could not pry any further, but the words hung heavily in the room. He couldn't even fathom it. A son wanting to see his mother die? That probably was not what had happened. But he couldn't imagine a scenario that did not sound absurd.  
Minseok leaned forward in his chair and rubbed his forehead and then began, "Look, what happened is..." He trailed off and turned his head to stare outside the window. It was a clear autumn day outside. The sky was a pale blue.  
"After my mother died, she possessed a woman. She did so all the way through my conception and my birth and only left when I tore her out of the woman over ten years later. That is why I can touch ghosts. Because a ghost gave birth to me."  
As he spoke, Minseok's voice was eerily emotionless. It sounded like one of his retelling of an unusual summoning, as if it had happened to someone else, someone who was not actually connected to his life.  
At first, Yixing also didn't fully understand his words.   
But then there was a clattering noise somewhere behind Minseok and a figure emerged from a corner Yixing hadn't noticed before. Park Chanyeol stared at him with wide eyes but Minseok didn't even turn around.


	16. savior

\- savior -

Sometimes Baekhyun found it hard to hold onto a single emotion. He hated to admit it, but the more time passed, the harder he found it to focus. He hated the idea of becoming one of those ghosts who barely were more than a scattered whisper in the wind, but that was exactly what he was afraid would happen to him eventually. As he watched Chanyeol get older and whenever he looked down at himself, still basically a teenager, he sometimes forgot why he still stayed. He had believed it was his duty to help. Keep his friend alive. Prevent the person he had jumped off a roof for from doing the same mistake.  
Sometimes he loathed Chanyeol.  
Sometimes he relived that moment when he had fallen and remembered how he had immediately regretted it. No one was worth dying for. Not even Chanyeol. No matter what he had meant to Baekhyun when he had still breathed and been able to sense the physical world around him.  
Sometimes he honestly was not sure what he felt and what he tried to achieve. As if on constant autopilot, he followed the idea that his presence made things better for Chanyeol. But every once in a while he stopped and wondered.  
What if he left now?  
What if he had left much earlier?  
What if he had never followed him and had just ascended to heaven?  
There were so many what-ifs that in the end he only noticed a possibility when it had already passed. Like that, the years went by and he slowly lost his purpose. He followed Chanyeol because that was what he had done for what felt like an eternity. It was the natural thing to do. It was the only thing he still knew how to do.

It was in this kind of situation that Kim Minseok suddenly appeared and shook up the peaceful coexistence between Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Because with every single thing Kim Minseok uttered, he raised a thousand questions and Baekhyun hated him for it. It was the strongest emotion he had felt in a while, so strong that it woke up those parts of his mind that still functioned.  
Kim Minseok obviously confused Chanyel and as Baekhyun watched him from the outside, an uncomfortable thought found its way into his consciouness.  
What if he had not died in the first place? What would have become of them if he had just waited? What if there had been a chance all along but he had been too stupid to just grasp it? Teenagers were idiots. He could tell by the fact that Chanyeol slowly grew up and stopped doing some of the things he had done years earlier. He could tell by the fact that Chanyeol sometimes rolled his eyes at him as if he was talking to a child, the child Baekhyun probably still was.  
He began to regret his decision even more.   
One mistake had killed him. One mistake had caused him to be in this constant state of being neither alive nor fully dead. Memories he thought he had forgotten, appeared in front of him as vivid flashbacks. Old feelings. Lingering feelings. Sitting behind Chanyeol in class and staring at the back of his neck and the slightly crooked hairline above the collar of his shirt. Watching him and Kim Saebyul as they had their heads together and laughed at something Baekhyun couldn't hear. Standing next to each other in the crowded bus home although it was a detour for Baekhyun, because sometimes those small moments would save his day. It had been hard sometimes. His parents using him as an excuse to not talk about their own issues. His grades dropping. The constant noise of the world around him that made him feel sick and tired. But then they sat in their empty classroom or were pushed against each other in a bus with barely enough space to breathe or walked to the convenience store across the school and life seemed okay. Life seemed worth living. Because Chanyeol was there.  
But then he had acted in the spur of the moment and everything had broken.  
And as he remembered this old feeling, he made another mistake. He allowed himself to be lured into the trap of Kim Minseok and did what so many ghosts had done moments of weakness.  
He possessed.  
And it felt right.  
And it felt wrong.  
And it made him understand that whatever Chanyeol felt now would never be directed at him.

"Get back in there," he said and noticed that his voice almost didn't sound as artificial and strained as usual. Chanyeol stood in front of the door like a trapped animal although he could have easily walked through Baekhyun. Even if he hated it, he had done it a hundred times before.  
"I don't know what happened in there but you look like you should really resolve it this time," Baekhyun continued. There was a limit to how often he wanted to see Chanyeol walk out of Kim Minseok's apartment with the expression of someone who had just swallowed a bucket full of slugs, especially if he did so after having to carry random passed out exorcists. One night it was Kim Minseok himself, the next it was another random exorcist. If this went on, they would probably end up with three passed out exorcists later that day.  
He blocked the way towards the stairs and Chanyeol furrowed his brows as he looked down on the floor.  
"I mean, what did happen anyway?" Baekhyun asked.   
They had come back the previous night. Baekhyun had walked Kim Minseok as far as his doorstep and had felt him to be awake enough to stagger inside himself. Because of the many protective charms, he could not even look through the open door so he wasn't sure how far Kim Minseok would have made it. Chanyeol had appeared inside for a while and had then come back out.  
"Do you reckon I should call someone?" he had asked and before Baekhyun had been able to give a half-hearted response, he had already said, "Honestly, I don't get the Office. They were there when Minseok-sshi took off, so it's not like they wouldn't know. But I checked his phone and no one tried to call or text. Who knows what happens if I get them to come here? Is there a summoner prison or something? I don't see what's so wrong about helping someone who obviously needed help anyway, because according to all the stuff they told me so far, that's what they normally do."  
He had been about to ramble on as he always did when he was aggravated so Baekhyun had nodded towards the door and asked, "So how are they?"  
Chanyeol had shrugged, "I don't know. Yixing-sshi is out cold and Minseok-sshi is somewhat awake but not enough to really respond." There had been a slight hint of panic in his voice that Baekhyun had chosen to ignore.  
"Right," he had nodded. As far as he knew, Kim Minseok had always woken up as usual after being possessed and he had agreed that it probably wouldn't be smart to get a bunch of other exorcists. "I mean, it's not like they're wounded," he had then said and Chanyeol had given him a dubious look. It had probably been obvious that Baekhyun did not particularly care about Kim Minseok's well-being. It also hadn't really helped that he had seen enough of his memories to know what had happened the previous morning. There it was. The stabbing feeling of jealousy.  
"If I was you, I'd just wait until they're awake and then he probably knows best what to do. He started the whole thing anyway," Baekhyun had then said and Chanyeol had eventually reeled back inside with a frown.  
After that, hours had passed. The sun had risen, people had walked by and eventually, the other exorcist had left with a tired expression. He had barely noticed Baekhyun.  
A few minutes later, Chanyeol had come through the black hole that was the door. If last time he had mainly looked embarrassed, this time he looked aghast.  
"I don't know..." Chanyeol began and pressed his lips together. "I'm not sure what just happened." He leaned his back against the door.  
For a moment, Baekhyun wasn't sure what to say because he wasn't sure if he even wanted to know. There had been less then ten minutes between the other exorcist's and Chanyeol's exits. Probably not enough for another failed make-out session but what did he know?  
"Why, did they speak Chinese?" he then asked jokingly and Chanyeol rolled his eyes at him.  
"No," Chanyeol said in the strangled voice of someone couldn't deal with badly timed jokes. "I don't know, I.... He... I'm not sure what to say to him. I don't understand. I don't know what I could possibly say that... That does not sound like I have no clue whatsoever. Because I don't. I honestly don't. I don't know what things are like for him and I can't pretend I do. This is just... This is all too much to process."  
At first, Baekhyun only frowned at the nonsensical speech. Chanyeol occasionally had the talent to talk without saying anything at all. But then it hit him.  
"Oh, shit," he gasped. "He told you about the ghost mother."  
Chanyeol winced at the word and made it very obvious that he really did know. When Baekhyun had been inside Kim Minseok's head, those memories had been at the very core, like the root of a thornbush. Everything else existed because of what had happened to him as a child.   
"He told Yixing-sshi about her. I'm not sure I was even supposed to hear it," Chanyeol said meekly and in the spur of the moment, Baekhyun kicked through his shin, only to then be knocked back by the force of the door behind him. Damn charms.  
"Bullshit," he said as he collected himself from the impact and clearly startled Chanyeol with that response. Chanyeol was about to go into a huff, so he continued, "Man, you're daft sometimes."  
That in return caused Chanyeol to just stare at him in bewilderment.  
"Yeah, I get it," Baekhyun continued. "He blames himself because someone did something stupid, thinking they could be like him, so he tells them why he's special, blah blah blah, and you just happen to be there. Yeah. I see how that makes sense to you. I wasn't even there but I can picture you standing there like, 'oh, man, he probably forgot I'm still here,' like it's all just a fucking great coincidence. Just like how you went home yesterday as if you merely accidentally smashed into each other."  
At that Chanyeol finally threw him a nasty glance which he decided to take as a good sign. Angry Chanyeol at least reacted. Angry Chanyeol had said the things he had kept inside for ten years. So he knew that he probably wasn't supposed to push it, but contoínued in bad mimicry of Chanyeol's voice, "Oh, pardon me, I must have misunderstood that boner. I guess I'll just go home now and worry my family who all think that I'm suicidal because, I guess, that's better than to tell them that I have the hots for my new friend, the-."  
"Okay, stop," Chanyeol said in a voice like a steel rod scratching over concrete. It was amazing how a human voice could sound like that. "Stop acting like a fucking asshole. This is not about you. You don't know what you're talking about."  
Baekhyun didn't immediately reply because he didn't want to be caught up in the heat of a moment. Futile words would not cut it, so he had to make sure that his message really came across. "See, the thing is," he began calmly. Chanyeol threw him a suspicious glance but didn't interrupt him. "I actually do. Because I know you. And because I've been in that guy's head. And I can tell you that it's fucking frustrating to watch the two of you. It's like you misunderstand everything on purpose. But I'm not even sure if I can blame him here because, shit, I don't like him, but he's pathetic. His whole life is pathetic. Right from the moment when a crazy ghost spawned him, to the moment when that pile of steaming garbage that is the Office finally took him in after he had killed her by accident because he didn't know better and because she had abused him for years. And it never improved after that. You can't kill and not be affected by it."  
It was a crude way to summarize the story but he understood its impact by the painful expression on Chanyeol's face. It also was the first time he really thought about what it all really meant. He couldn't even imagine to live that kind of life and part of him wondered if it wouldn't harm someone like Chanyeol to have someone like that thrown at him.   
But someone like that was all he had. That someone at least lived and breathed and had answers to the questions Baekhyun couldn't help him with.  
"So honestly, he maybe can't help being an idiot but you can. He already broke the rules for you. If he had not insisted to contact you, we wouldn't be here. You'd still be watched. And he would have long found a way to kill me without breaking a single fucking rule if he had not worried whether you'd be able to cope. He got possessed because of you. And there's no way he would have told that guy about his mother if he had not known that you'd also hear it. Because how else is he supposed to make you understand that he's not the one for you but by telling you about the thing that he hates the most about himsef? Because it makes him believe that he's not actually human? Because why the fuck would you still be interested then, right?"  
The words hung heavily in the room. Chanyeol again stared at the floor, as if he could make reality disappear if he only wanted it to.  
"I don't know what to say," he then muttered as if he had not heard any of the words Baekhyun had spoken.  
"Just say what you feel I guess," Baekhyun shrugged and felt like a hypocrite. When he had mustered up his courage to say what he felt, he had ended up staring down at his cracked skull.   
"I don't know what I feel," Chanyeol said and rubbed his forehead. "I mean, to be honest, I'm not sure if I can deal with all these things. It's too much."  
Baekhyun sighed but before he got a chance to voice his thoughts, Chanyeol added, "So I can't get back in there. It wouldn't be fair. I could lie and pretend that everything is cool but then what? Get what I want for the moment and then figure things out later?"  
He took a step forward and Baekhyun instinctively moved back.  
"So you're just going to leave him in there by himself," he noted.  
Chanyeol balled his hands into fists.  
"I mean, what do you want me to do here?" he asked in a low voice. "You've never been in my head. You don't know what the past few years have been like for me, not really. He said he can't save me and maybe he's right. Maybe he can't. And maybe I can't save him either. And maybe that's the whole point. This isn't normal. None of this is. If we just blindly plunge into this, this will maybe only hurt even more later on."  
He threw him a glance that was both determined and painful, so Baekhyun wasn't sure what to reply.  
And then he walked away without a look back and Baekhyun stayed in front of the door.  
He wondered if Kim Minseok would have heard them.


	17. the ones on the sidelines

\- friendship -

"Let's be realistic here," Luhan said as he stared at the traffic passing by the window. They were next to a busy street on a lazy Saturday afternoon. Almost two weeks had passed since they had finally called him into action. He was their last resort, their last chance at emotional manipulation and he knew it. Because somewhere in their extensive personal files it read that they had been best friends as children. "What can you actually do except for summoning? You've never got as far as to enroll into high school. You don't have a family registry. You're not exactly illiterate but your're still a slow reader and barely speak any foreign languages. You have no real job experience you could tell anyone about in seriousness. What are you going to say in a job interview? That you hunted down ghosts before? And that your special talent is that you can touch them? So in the end you'll probably end up with a shitty job. Maybe work in construction or if you're lucky in the service industry or in security. Still surrounded by ghosts. No social security. Colleagues will probably ostracize you when they realize that you have occult symbols all over you. How are you supposed to tell them that you need them because ghosts hate your guts? Have you thought about these things?"  
Minseok looked at him with a curious expression and then took a sip of his tea.  
"Yes," he then said. "Ever since I found my file, I thought about these things."  
Luhan sighed because he couldn't really argue. When he had first seen his own file, he had thought of quitting, too. As much as he understood the system of watching unusual possessions and hauntings to learn from them in the future, had he felt betrayed to realize that he had purposely been left alone with the ghost of his mother for a year. For Minseok who had been watched much longer than that, it would have been even worse. It was a cruel system because it was obvious that only those without much of a choice ever learned the full scale of the Office research apparatus.  
"You're not asking me to reconsider, are you?" Minseok asked.  
Luhan cratched his neck and then shrugged, "Nah." The response coaxed a tense smile out of Minseok, so he continued, "I mean, honestly, it's your life and your decision and we won't automatically stop being friends just because we don't work for the same company anymore. And let's face it, they would take you back anytime anyway because someone like you only appears once every thousand years."  
At that Minseok sighed. The price he had paid to be that person had been much too high and what was his merit? To become on of the few legendary ghosts who were known by a dubious nickname like The Fishmonger? There was not much of an incentive. People worked for the Office because they had no other options.  
"But you really did think about it, didn't you?" Luhan then asked. "This is not just a spontaneous decision, right? You do have a plan?" He hoped for a positive response but Minseok instead only frowned.  
"Is this because of what happened to Yixing?" Luhan asked and something in Minseok's gaze hardened. This was what he had feared. The final nail in the coffin.  
"They asked me to write a report on that. And then another one on my own experience of being possessed. And there will be another on by..." He halted his speech for a second. "By the recruit with the companion. They pretend to do this for a greater good but what they instead do is to play with our lives."  
Luhan leaned back in his chair and folded his arms in front of his chest. "So you handed in your resignation instead."  
For a moment none of them said another word. The café was instead filled with the noises of the other customers around them. Clicking cups and plates and muffled conversations and shuffling feet.  
"Well, as I said, I'll always be your friend," Luhan then concluded and Minseok gave him the kind of grateful smile that reminded him of the time when they had swapped secrets as children.   
Truth to be told, he was not without doubts either. Him being to too scared to leave did not mean that he would force someone braver than him to stay. It did worry him. He did think it was a waste. But he was not in the position to interfere.  
"And just so you know, I'm not going to pay for your coffee just because you're broke now," he then added and Minseok surprised him by letting out a chuckle.

\- wedding invitation -

"You're not going out this week either?" Yura asked when she found her brother watching TV in the living room after lunch. He still wore his ugliest sweatpants and a worn-out hoodie. They were not the clothes he slept in or those he went out in. He only wore his worst clothes when he did not plan to go anywhere. Normally, she wouldn't have commented on it but for a few weeks he had almost seemed to have a social life, always busy, always late. And suddenly he spent the second Saturday in a row moping around as if nothing had changed.  
Her brother only shrugged in response and then shook himself as if a chill had washed over him. "No, I'm not going out," he said and pulled his phone out of the pocket of his hoodie to give it a very busy glance. Clearly he was busy procrastinating.  
She nodded and then thought of just leaving it at that. It was not her business to check what her adult brother did in his free time. If he wanted to spent his weekend watching daytime TV, so be it.  
But then something began to nag at the back of her mind, something that had bothered her for weeks. They had never finished the conversation about the guy in the club. Something had changed in his life and even if it had eventally halted, she still feared that she would miss another opportunity to help.  
"Well, seeing that you obviously have nothing better to do," she said and nodded towards the TV. "You might as well come with me and help me pick a dress for a wedding."  
Her brother slowly turned his head into her direction with raised eyebrows.  
"I didn't know you were getting married," he said without moving. He looked like it would take an army to get him off the couch.  
She rolled her eyed at him and fought the urge to just dropkick him, when she said, "It's for a friend's wedding. Remember Joohee? She's the one who gets married."  
He let out an apprehensive sound and turned his head back at the TV. "I thought you hated her."  
She shrugged, "Hate is a strong word. I just think she's a bitch." Chanyeol grinned, so she continued, "Which is why I need a really hot dress. And before you tell me that I should just ask any of my friends to come with me, let me tell you that I need a guy opinion and I have no guy friends I trust enough not to misunderstand my intentions."  
Her brother scratched his neck in return and then frowned at the TV. "How's a guy opinion different from a girl opinion though? I thought girls have better taste," he then said in a very disinterested voice.  
"I want the kind of sexy dress that makes the groom regret choosing his bride over me," she clarified.  
At first he only threw her a questioning glance. Then he wrinkled his nose in distaste and said, "Okay, gross. That's not how I want to see my sister. And anyway, I'm not-." He stopped and his eyes widened a little.  
"You're not what?" she asked. Something about his tone bothered her. "Not free? Is anyone paying you to fart into the couch and remember the news by heart instead?"  
He pulled a face at her and, being her brother, probably was about to note that she was not exactly going to pay him either, so she said, "I'll buy you cake if you help me."  
He threw her a suspicious glance. "What kind of cake?"  
It took her all her might not to break out into a wide grin because something about the moment felt like a sudden summer breeze in autumn. They were so much older now but he was still her little brother. Their banter was still so much how it had been when they had been little and that thought was strangely comforting. 

\- work -

"I'm asking you because I don't know," Jongdae said from behind his screen. A pile of half-written reports blocked him from view. Everything Junmyeon had not managed to finish had been assigned to Jongdae while Junmyeon's security level had been changed temporarily so that he could sift through the things Minseok had left behind. There were hundreds of emails and print-outs and handwritten notes in binders labelled confidential. Junmyeon was barely able to grasp the full scale of the things Minseok had done in over fifteen years at the Office. He had already sent piles of material to the archives but it never seemed to end. It was not even that Minseok's files were messy or hard to sort. There just was too much. Too much that was too grave.  
"Seriously, how are we supposed to deal with this?" Jongdae continued when Junmyeon didn't reply. "How are the two of us supposed to do the job of four people? Worse even. How are the two of us supposed to do the job of three regular people and Minseok-hyung?" There was a sound of rustling paper and rapid taps on a keyboard.  
Junmyeon sighed and put a print-out of Park Chanyeol's schedule on a pile of things that could probably be thrown away. All Minseok had done was to circle his Saturdays. If the thing with Yixing had not happened, Minseok would probably be off somewhere to show Park Chanyeol something gruesome that very moment. It was hard not to think if Yixing as the culprit.  
The was a slamming noise and Junmyeon looked up in surprise. Jongdae could still not be seen when he said, "We can't even do our rounds at this point. We're stuck here while the ghosts can just romp around. And what if something bad happens? There are things only Minseok-hyung could deal with. I can't make a hostile ghost leave and you can't either."  
Junmyeon pressed his lips together and looked at a note he had stuck to his screen. "We're supposed to call Kim Jongin in emergency cases like that," he said as his gaze followed the lines of scribbled names and numbers. Kim Jongin for summonings they couldn't deal with. Wu Yifan in case Park Chanyeol came back. A number without a name that would connect them to someone in the archives if they found anything potentially damaging.  
"Who?" Jongdae asked.  
"From the Eastern branch," Junmyeon said. Kim Jongin, the one who had called Minseok about Yixing. As far as Junmyeon knew, he didn't get punished despite breaking the rules. The Office probably couldn't risk losing another genius. "He can deal with emergencies."  
There was a long pause after that. The clock ticket and Junmyeon received an email from the achives with a question on a scan he had sent earlier that day. They wanted to know if there was a second page. He had not even realized that something had been missing.  
"Isn't that the guy who asked Minseok-hyung for help the other day?" Jongdae then asked and there clearly was irritation in his voice. Junmyeon didn't answer because he was too tired to argue. All these things seemed to have happened eternities ago.  
"I mean, shit, hyung, what the hell are we doing here?" Jongdae asked and his face finally emerged from behind his screen.   
And Junmyeon knew what he meant, he really did. Everything had broked apart on that day when Minseok had told him that Yixing had got himself possessed. The ghosts had forbidden to get in contact with them. Minseok had quit the next day. A Nameless One had informed them that Yixing would get transferred south. Park Chanyeol had never returned although Jongdae had tried to get in contact with him. There was no info on replacements, just a list with numbers someone had dictated via phone. The whole situation was the hardest thing Junmyeon had had to deal with since that time right after the plane crash seven years earlier. He felt as if he was slowly drowning in a swamp and if he was honest, if he was completely honest, was he not sure if he would make it out.  
But he couldn't be honest, so he said, "We do what we have to do. This is our job. We're here to save people."  
Jongdae made a disgruntled noise and disappeared again. It was obvious what he thought because Junmyeon thought the same. It was the question Minseok had asked right before he had walked away.  
If they were here to save people, why had they not been allowed to save Yixing?  
But there was no time for futile thoughts like that. Junmyeon was not going to quit. This work was all he had.

\- encounter -

"Okay, so I'm probably not supposed to tell you because it's confidential and you're technically an outsider now," Luhan began as he put up his cup to get the last drop of coffee out of it before they were going to leave. Minseok threw him a quick glance while he pulled out his jacket off from somewhere behind him. He had casually slung it over the back of the much too comfortable chair but it must have slowly slid off as he had moved. It had been almost two hours since they had entered the coffee shop.  
"But Yixing is fine," Luhan continued and Minseok stopped moving. "They transferred him to Gwangju for now to make sure that he's not going to be harrassed by any of the ghosts that possessed him. I'm not sure how many it were exactly, but that's the reason. He's not directly being punished or anything."  
Minseok didn't say anything and it was hard to tell what his expression meant. He seemed both frustrated and relieved.  
"I'm not saying that that they've made the right call or anything," Luhan shrugged. "Just thought you should know."   
Minseok sighed and looked at his hands and then said, "Thanks."   
After a moment of idly staring at the people around them, Luhan then picked up his bag and looked at Minseok who stood up with a nod. They quickly put on their jackets and Luhan gave the table a quick glance to check whether he had packed all his stuff, before he hurried after Minseok who had already gone ahead. Minseok probably just never carried enough things to be at risk of leaving anything behind.  
They were already at the door when Minseok suddenly stopped and Luhan bumped into his back.  
"What the...?" Luhan asked.  
"Minseok-sshi," an unfamiliar voice said sharply. A tall guy had stopped right in front of them while an almost equally tall lady hung at his arm and looked at them curiously. A surprisingly brilliant ghost in a school uniform was on his other side. Luhan wasn't sure whether it was that ghost's presence, but Minseok took a step backwards and painfully stepped on his foot.   
He was about to howl in protest, when Minseok said, "Yixing is fine." There was nothing else. No greetings, no common courteousy, nothing at all. Luhan still blinked at the trio in confusion when everything happened very fast.  
"Wait, what about-," the tall guy began when Minseok already started to storm off.   
"No, no, no, stop," the ghost said quickly and tried to hold onto him but Minseok threw him across the room with a flick of his wrist.  
"Who's Yixing?" the tall lady asked and let go of the tall guy's arm to look at him questioningly.  
"Minseok-ah," Luhan said and followed him through the door. Minseok had a tendency to walk rather fast but this time he almost ran. "Minseok-ah, what the hell?" he exclaimed when he felt coldness waft through him. Ghosts passing through him was his least favorite sensation, so he instinctively stopped to catch his breath.  
The ghost swerved around Minseok and then tried to block his path but Minseok simply marched through him.  
"Turn around," the ghost shouted in a voice like breaking ice and Luhan felt a shiver run down his spine. "Please just turn around! You can't just leave now. You know full well that I can't do anything to help and he still needs help. He needs you."  
Minseok stopped and Luhan and the ghost slowly caught up to him. The ghost whispered something Luhan didn't catch and Minseok turned his head to look at him. Luhan was only a couple of steps behind him when Minseok quickly grabbed the ghost's arm. There was something about the image that still terrified Luhan, no matter how often he saw it. A ghost being touched was as impossible as catching a cloud. His brain refused to process what his eyes saw.  
"His problem is you," Minseok said quietly. "I can easily get rid of you." The ghost slightly squirmed in his grasp like a caught fish.  
"I don't mind leaving," the ghost said. "But if I leave, you have to stay." Minseok let go of him and he seemed relieved because his shoulders loosened up a little before he continued, "Look, I don't know what you think you heard but-." Minseok quickly moved his hand in front if him and the ghost's mouth still motioned words but there was no sound. It took the ghost a second until he realized it. Once he did, he became desperate. He flickered and a strange sensation reached all the way to where Luhan stood. Clear emotions like that were rare.   
"I'm not part of the Office anymore," Minseok then said. "It's not my duty to save anyone."

\- a change in perspective -

Sometimes it didn’t matter what Yura did or said, her brother was too deep inside his own head. He might nod or make sounds to show that he heard her, but his gaze was completely empty. It was like watching someone through a one-way mirror. No matter what she did, to him she was practically invisible.   
So she knew that he would not choose a cake although he intently stared at the counter. She simply ordered two slices of chocolate cake and two lattes, pushed the tray at him to carry and then pulled him along to a table further inside. If she wanted to talk to him, she first had to coax him out of his shell.  
He mechanically put the tray on the small table while she flopped into a soft chair. Once she sat, she carefully put the large paper bag with the dress next to her.  
“Joohee is going to be mad when she sees me,” she noted as she threw a glance inside the bag. Her brother made a meaningless sound and used his fork to pick at his cake.  
“So anyway,” she began as she took a sip of her coffee and casually crossed her legs. “Who were those guys just now?”   
Her brother looked at her but didn’t seem to comprehend her words.  
"You know that you can tell me if there's anything going on, right?" she asked. Rather than to reply, he blinked rapidly as if he had something in his eye. He probably wondered about that. Had she always listened when he had tried to tell her something? Probably not.  
He averted his gaze and picked at the cake again. "I don't know who the one in the blue jacket was. It's not like I know everybody in the city," he said as he stuffed a much too large piece of cake in his mouth.  
She tried not to groan at the non-answer. "So what you're trying to say is that you do know the other one," she noted. "Which I already figured since he went out of his way to tell you that someone else was okay. Is he Chinese by the way? The name sounded Chinese. He looked a little Chinese, too."  
She could tell that her approach was too aggressive by the way he seemed to sink further into his chair.  
"I don't think he is," her brother said.  
"You don't think?" she asked and raised her eyebrow.   
He sighed and then stared at his cake with a foul expression before he said, "Yeah, I don't think. He doesn't have an accent. He has a Korean name. He seems Korean to me, but it's not like he showed me his birth certificate. It's not like that comes up in a conversation. 'Hey, are you Korean by the way? I'm not a racist or anything, I'm just curious.' So well, I guess he's Korean or else Baekhyun-." He suddenly stopped his rant and she felt as though the blood in her veins was freezing over.  
Byun Baekhyun. It all always lead back to that boy. Ten years had passed but his shadow still lingered over them.  
"What...?" she began but then wasn't sure what she even wanted to ask. If this was somehow connected to Byun Baekhyun, there probably were too many questions she couldn't even fathom yet.  
"Noona, I..." her brother sighed and leaned back a little but still looked down. "Trust me, there are things you don't want to know."  
She furrowed her eyes at him for a moment. Things she didn't want to know about? Like the reason why he had believed to see his dead friend? Why he had slit his wrist? Why he had stopped talking for a while? Why he had refused to meet Saebyul? Why he sometimes stayed out all night and then never left the house? Why he didn't care about his future? Why some guy told him that some other guy whose name she had never heard before was fine?  
And then she realized that this was how he saw her, how he had seen her all along. To him she was someone who didn't actually want to know.   
"Who the hell are you to decide that for me?" she spat and he looked up in surprise. It wasn't only anger she felt. There was sadness, too, and embarrassment. But only one of the emotions broke out. "Don't make this about me. If you don't want to tell me because you think that I'm probably no help anyway, okay, cool, that's your choice. But I am willing to listen. I regret that I didn't properly listen before, okay? But I'm not nineteen anymore. I can deal with whatever you throw at me."  
Her brother drew his eyebrows very low while he leaned all the way back in his chair as if he needed to create a distance between them.  
"We're family after all," she said and tried to make her voice sound softer than before, but it probaby still came off as confrontational.   
He didn't immediately reply and instead crossed his arms in front of his chest while staring at the ceiling. "It would change your view of me," he then said quietly.  
It made her a little uncomfortable because the scale of the thing he kept from her seemed way above anything she could imagine. Ten years earlier, he had been psychotic and suicidal. He had been convinced that his dead friend talked to him. If this secret was similar to that, she wouldn't be able to help. She was an office clerk, not a psychiatrist. But she didn't want to back out now, so she said, "My view of you also changed when you learned how to walk and talk. You're not as cute anymore, but I think we can all agree that it's a good thing that I don't have to change your diapers or that you don't spit your food into my face when you don't like it."  
He automatically grinned in return and finally threw her a quick glance. There was a twinkle in his eyes, the same twinkle that had been there ever since he had been a little child. No matter what, she doubted that she would ever not see him as the same person.   
His smile only lasted for a few seconds however, before it gave way to another frown. She automatically braced herself.  
"The guy just now," he began and looked down at his folded arms. "He's the one I told you about before. We hung out."  
She nodded and tried to think back to all the vague comments he had made during the last couple of weeks. He probably talked about the guy he went to a club with. The guy who was maybe a friend and maybe not.  
"He helped me sort out a few things and I think I started to depend on him a little too much," he continued in a strange tone. "It didn't even occur to me that he maybe has issues, too. So when I found out, I think acted a bit rash. I mean, what happened to me is nothing compared to what happened to him. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to say to him now."  
She wasn't sure what to make of his words because they were as vague as ever. But this time it didn't seem as if he tried to hide something about himself from her, but as if he tried not to spill someone else's secret.  
"So where did you meet him in the first place?" she asked because it seemed a harmless enough question and because she tried to piece the story together from the beginning. If this had anything to do with Byun Baekhyun, the guy would have to be an old acquaintance.  
Her brother angled his head a little as if he didn't understand the point of the question, but then said, "He walked into the shop one day."  
"Oh, he's a customer?" Yura asked and clearly surprised him with her surprise. He had started to work in the bike shop long after Byun Baekhyun had died.  
"Not exactly," he said evasively and clearly wasn't willing to elaborate. Direct questions obviously were an issue.  
"Okay," she said and thought about it for a moment. She didn't understand a thing. "So you met him and you hung out and then you found out something about his past and you don't know how to deal with it?" She gave him a questioning glance and he nodded.   
She wondered what it was. Had the guy committed a crime of some sort? Or had he been a victim of a crime? It was hard not to ask. No one had ever told her anything that grave. "And I assume you didn't talk to him it after that and now you don't know how to?"  
He winced and she sighed. That explained why the guy had just left without another word. He had told Chanyeol something and Chanyeol had probably just run away. The same thing had happened to her ten years earlier, so she understood that feeling. But this was different. She had run away from her brother, he from someone who seemed merely more than a stranger.  
"But do you really want to help him or do you feel that you have to?" she asked and he furrowed his brows as if he didn't understand the question. "I mean, do you owe him anything? You can't deal with the issues of every single person you meet. You have your own life to sort out, so honestly, I think it's okay if you-."  
"I want to help," he quickly interrupted her and then blinked as if he was surprised at his own words. "I want to help him," he repeated, this time a little more firmly. "Not because I have to. I want to because..." He trailed off.  
"Because?" she asked.  
He let out a strangled noise and raised his shoulders while moving his head clother to his chest. It made him look like a child scared of the dark and she wondered what the guy had told him. What kind of secret caused this reaction? What would have been worse than trying to die after one's best friend had jumped off the school? Why would he even willingly deal with this?  
It didn't make any sense to her.  
But sometimes the questions were more complicated than their answers. Sometimes it was all very easy. All it took was a slight change of perspective.  
"Because I think I..." her brother began in barely more than a whisper. "I think I'm in love with him."  
She swallowed and it took her a painfully long moment to process his words. He shifted in his chair and leaned forward to busily grab his cup. He took a sip but then choked and coughed.  
It was so easy.   
It was all so ridiculously easy and she felt like an idiot because she had never even considered that explanation.  
Byun Baekhyun. Saebyul. Her brother's refusal to settle down. Everything he had said during the last couple of weeks. The guy who was not quite a friend. Everything shifted into place.  
"Did you tell him that?" she asked and her voice sounded distant to herself.  
He threw her a quick glance.   
"I mean, sometimes you don't have to do more than to tell someone what they mean to you," she said. "Sometimes it's enough just to be there."

\- nudge -

"You know what, I don't give a fuck if you listen to me or not," Baekhyun said while Chanyeol walked by him with his sister. He had seen them from the outside but had been too tired of it all to go inside. It still was hard to utter words after what Kim Minseok had done to him. Before, he had always held back but this time Kim Minseok had almost wiped him off the face of the earth. It was not death Baekhyun had stared at but something much worse. He had felt absolute nothingness. The complete absence of life.  
"I'm not getting close to him ever again. I want nothing to do with all your bullshit. I'm tired of caring about you. You never hear what I have to say anyway," he continued as he floated next to them. Chanyeol didn't acknowledge him because his sister was there.  
"So this is the last fucking time I meddle with your business."  
Chanyeol threw him a quick glance while his sister looked into her paper bag to smile at her red dress. They were both people who constantly caused an uproar around them.   
"Just so you know, Kim Minseok said that he quit the Office and that he's not going to try and save anyone anymore." At the mention of the name, Chanyeol slowed down a little and his sister threw him a questioning glance.   
"What's wrong?" she asked and slung her arm around his. He only shook his head.  
"He said he'd go to the place where his mother died," Baekhyun said and Chanyeol stopped abruptly.  
"Obviously, he didn't say it like that. He told his best friend that he'd go to his old house but you know what he's like. Always considers his audience. He was moved to an Office facility after he offed his mother and he never would have called that 'his house'. His friend maybe doesn't know that but I do. God knows what he's trying to do there. I reckon he has not that much to live for, now that he quit."  
Chanyeol balled his hands into fists but still didn't say anything.  
"Seriously, is anything the matter?" his sister asked.  
"Noona, I," Chanyeol began.  
"The thing is, let's assume he tries to kill himself. Do you think they'll just let him go? Maybe he can't even ascend to heaven because the Office people hold him back to study him a little more," Baekhyun noted and felt grim satisfaction when Chanyeol finally snapped.  
Chanyeol had already dashed a few paces away from her before he turned around and said, "Noona, I have to go. Don't wait for me."  
"Oh, okay," she said and held up her hand to wave, only to then let it drop to her side when he was already too far away.   
"He doesn't even know where he's going," Baekhyun said and she rubbed her arm as if cold.


	18. overcoming the past

\- overcoming the past -

Chanyeol had always believed that houses heavily shaped the way a person grew up. Even if they were not necessarily always the direct cause for a character flaw, was there at least a certain correlation. It was a concept he had first learnt in middle school when he had made his first friends who had not grown up in the same residental area as him.   
As a child, he had hung out with other children like Saebyul, children who in retrospect all seemed a little entitled because their families owned small houses. Not that they had been especially rich. They were all what he had later learned to identify as very typically middle class. Before his grandparents had passed away, they had lived in his house and Saebyul had shared a much bigger house with her parents, her grandparents and her uncle's family. There were issues with mold in the bathroom and ants in the garden and broken tiles on the roof and neverending road work. All the families gossiped around gates and at the bus stop and at the small kiosk and at the place where everyone had to bring their household waste. Like a cliché, people stood with bags full of waste in the middle of the quiet roads and talked about the new street lighting and how it caused their dogs to bark all night and their cats to never come home.  
That was what his childhood had been liked and he had only understood how almost comically peaceful it had been until he had made friends who had grown up in different houses. There had been rich children in gigantic houses and no care in the world. They had automatic gates and rooms full of games and asked questions that seemed odd to him. 'Why doesn't your housekeeper cook? Why do you only have four sets of school uniforms? Why does your mother work?' He had quickly learned that he couldn't deal with upper-class children like that.  
But there had been others. Children who lived in old apartment buildings filled with the smell of mildew and overcooked food and sweat and kimchi. Buildings where he stumbled over cardboard boxes in the staircases and rooms so overstuffed with people and things that he constantly felt suffocated while he leaned into greasy walls. Children who had grown up like that made him uncomfortable. It was cruel, but he found it hard to be friends with the lower class.  
And then there had been children who had grown up in nice apartment buildings with clean elevators and balconies from which he could see the whole city. Baekhyun had lived in a place like that. A place where his voice had come from an intercom at the front door and where his mother had worn a nice apron matching the carpets and the drapes. A place that had somehow always felt a little lifeless. So much in fact, that Chanyeol had never quite learned to trust the concept of apartment buildings. They were too high and filled with too many people.  
A house shaped its inhabitants and said a lot about a person. He had believed that theory for over a decade, so when he stood in front of the house Kim Minseok had grown up in, he wasn't sure what to think. It ticked the wrong boxes.  
It almost looked too much like the house Baekhyun had lived in.  
It seemed too lively for someone as quiet as Minseok.

"This is it?" Chanyeol asked and turned around to throw Baekhyun a questioning glance.  
"Yup," Baekhyun said. "Sixth floor. Second door on the left. Not facing the street but the park behind."  
"Right," Chanyeol said and threw the building another skeptical glance. It looked very much inhabited, both by the living and the dead. He had somehow expected something more abandoned.  
"His mother went to work and locked him in when he was little, in case you're wondering," Baekhyun said in a very non-passionate way. Chanyeol gulped.   
"So she had money. She had the memories of the host and the host had a proper career. She was thirty-one when she had him. Had just recently bought a condo. Never married. They interviewed her co-workers after she had a mental breakdown when he got rid of the ghost. Everybody thought she just didn't want a family. She was the head of the accounting department in her company by that time, which was the point that interested the Office the most. The ghost used to be a nurse and had no prior knowledge on accounting. But with the memories of the host, she also had her abilities."  
Chanyeol pulled a grimace. All of that probably explained the building, but raised even more questions. If no one knew she had a son, she would have kept him hidden. But how to hide a child in plain sight like that? Even if she had locked him in, how had she made sure he would be quiet?  
"The host didn't acknowledge him afterwards, obviously." Baekhyun continued. "Lost her mind. The Office put her in a medical facility in-."  
"I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to tell me these things," Chanyeol interrupted him and put his hands in his pockets. The more he knew, the harder it would be to actually talk to Minseok. Even if he had not grown up in a run-down house, this still was the same feeling as when Chanyeol had tried to befriend children poorer than him. It was the same feeling as when Baekhyun had talked about his parents fights and when he had stared at the blue walls of Baekhyun's room and hoped that the moment would pass. He had never been great at dealing with problems, especially when they were not his own.  
"Well, he's probably not going to but you should know them if you want to understand him," Baekhyun noted and Chanyeol sighed. Part of him wondered if he really did. Things would perhaps be easier if none of them talked about any of these things again.  
"And he's been obsessed," Baekhyun continued. "Read through every single part of his file. Even followed all the updates on her medical checkups although he never went to visit her."  
"Is she still...?" Chanyeol began and trailed off. He felt numb. There were things he simply couldn't deal with, no matter how easy his sister made them sound. He doubted his presence would really help.  
"Alive?" Baekhyun asked. "No. Passed away five years ago. Heart failure. Wasn't willing to ascend right away so someone from the Office in Jeju made her."  
"Shit," Chanyeol said and rubbed his neck. He honestly wasn't sure what to do. He was worried because he didn't understand why Minseok would have gone there. There couldn't possibly be any happy memories connected to the place, so he wouldn't have gone for the heck of it. He would have had a good reason to make sure that Baekhyun would know where he was. It didn't make sense.  
But there also was something else. Panic slowly rose inside him like the waves of a budding storm crashing into shore. The building was taller than the school. Anyone jumping down would have no chance to survive and he knew what it looked like when a body hit concrete.  
"So where..." he began and looked up to the edge of the flat roof. "Where is he now?"  
Baekhyun floated from side to side like a child bored of a conversation and said, "Don't know. I told you, I'm not getting close to him again. This is as far as I'll go."  
"He wouldn't be inside, right?" Chanyeol asked. "I mean, people live in that building, right? I doubt he would just knock and tell them that he used to live there and wants to visit his old home. And even if he did, I doubt anyone would just let him in. If there's even anyone home yet."  
There was a sound that Chanyeol assumed to be Baekhyun being disgruntled. "Don't know."  
Chanyeol bit his lips and looked up to the roof again.  
"If he's up there, he's not on this side," Baekhyun noted and Chanyeol bit back a snarky comment. From where they were positioned they both had the same view.  
"As I said, the apartment faces the park behind the building, He saw the street for the first time when the Office picked him up, so it wouldn't be a very familiar view."  
Chanyeol looked at him and wasn't sure whether Baekhyun's comments were based on any kind of valuable knowledge of the situation at hand or whether he just spouted them randomly. He certainly didn't really seem to care either way.  
"So what do you suggest, walk around the building to see if I he's on the other side?" he asked and it came off as more abrasive than intended.  
"Better than to stand here and gawk at the entrance I guess," Baekhyun said with a faint shrug. It was only then than Chanyeol noticed that his edges looked a little faded. He still looked like himself, but as if through a slightly fogged window.  
Chanyeol sighed and looked down the road he had come from and then at street that lead past the apartment building. "Right," he muttered and balled his hands into fists. "Okay," he said a little louder as he shoved his fists into the pockets of his jackets and began to march towards the backside of the building. He felt like a steam train running up a hill. Every step was difficult.  
He had no plan for what he would do once he found Minseok. He wasn't sure what to say or what to do or what even to expect. He could only hope that Baekhyun had only tried to aggravate him and that Minseok would not actually...  
Would not actually...  
He didn't mean to think back to that day when he had argued with Baekhyun but he could already taste the bile at the back of his throat. It had been a day like this with a cloudy sky. Everything had been grey. He had hid on the fire escape behind the gym and had played games on his phone when two guys from his class had found him. They had dragged him off before he had a chance to ask questions and had pushed him through the crowd of students on the schoolyard while the sirens of the arriving ambulance had blared in the distance. He had still complained and thrown his weight when he had suddenly found himself in a circle with Baekhyun in the center.  
With what Baekhyun had been in the center.  
With what he had done in the center.  
With what their friendship had turned into in the center.  
"This isn't funny, okay?" he had said less than thirty minutes before that. "You're creeping me out. I'm not sick like that."  
In retrospect, he couldn't tell whether he had known that Baekhyun had not joked. Whether he had just ignored him on purpose. Whether he had run away like a coward. Whether he had hoped that all the words spoken would just be forgotten and that life would continue as usual if he waited long enough.  
He wasn't sure why he had ended up behind the gym.  
What he did know was that he had never expected that kind of reaction. It would have never occured to him that the things he had said to Baekhyun would have caused him to think that life was meaningless. Even if he had not meant to hurt him, that was eventually what he had done.  
It was hard to anticipate other people's reactions.  
So he wasn't sure whether anything he had said, could have hurt Minseok. He had already quit the Office. What was the next step after that?  
He didn't know. And that was what made it so hard.  
He couldn't know.  
So the closer he got, the more he felt panic coursing through his veins. He wasn't sure whether he could deal with another corpse on a grey day.

And then, as he reached the edge of a nicely trimmed lawn framed by conifers and colorful foliage and as he saw Minseok sitting on a bench, all that worry immediately disappeared because something about the scene was very different. It was like walking into a painting dyed in shades of green and orange and yellow and brown. In the middle was Minseok in a dark grey jacket and with a forlorn expression. When Chanyeol lifted his arm in silent greeting, Minseok looked up and something shifted in his gaze. He seemed almost dazed. Not desperate or hurt or sorrowful, just... dazed. It certainly was not the way Baekhyun had looked when he had seen him alive for the last time.  
He walked closer, his mind racing, going through a thousand things to say while Minseok calmly remained on the bench.  
And then it made sense.  
"Is this a test?" Chanyeol asked and Minseok angled his head as if the question puzzled him. "You're not actually planning to kill yourself, are you?" At that question Minseok wrinkled his nose in distaste.  
"Is that what your friend said?" he asked and sounded as if he deliberately tried to rid his voice of any emotion. It came out as almost too flat, which eventually didn't quite mask the disappointment and made it all even more obvious. It was a test to see if Baekhyun would have forwarded the message to Chanyeol.  
"Well," Chanyeol shrugged and relaxed his hands inside his pockets. After having kept them as tight fists for minutes, they felt sweaty and stiff. "I mean, you know what he's like. Always exaggerating. I think you angered him because he refuses to ever get close to you again, so maybe that's why he made up some bullshit." While he talked he walked towards the bench and let himself flop down on it. Minseok sat as far right as he could without falling down, as if he had expected the company. Or as if he had simply hoped for it.  
"He's still close or else there would be more ghosts," Minseok said and nodded at the sky above them. Chanyeol looked up as if there was anything to see and unwillingly frowned. Minseok had mentioned that before. How Baekhyun always made sure to shield Chanyeol of most of the ghosts around him. He wondered what the world looked like to someone like Minseok who didn't have his own Baekhyun. Or what the world would look like if Baekhyun ever left.  
"Also, I nearly destroyed him," Minseok continued in such a dispassionate voice that Chanyeol at first only blinked at him. It took him a few seconds until the meaning of the words hit him.   
"What the hell?" he asked louder than intended and Minseok flinched a little. So that was why Baekhyun had acted so strange. "You can't just... What did he ever do to you?"  
Minseok shot him an exasperated glance and Chanyeol bit his lip. There probably were reasons enough. Baekhyun had been rude to him right from the start.  
"He made me angry, too," Minseok said and put his hands in his lap. His right hand formed a fist while his left hand was wrapped around it. Like an exercise in self-restraint.  
"Yeah, he's good at that. After all the shit he said to me over the years, he can really call himself lucky I don't have your abilities or else I'd probably got rid of him myself already," Chanyeol said jokingly and only realized how stupid his words were, when Minseok sharply sucked in the air throw his teeth. They were in the wrong place. When he followed his gaze, he ended up staring at the apartment building looming in front of them. It looked almost menacing, now that it was framed by leaves. He unwillingly counted the floors and then wondered which of the windows the much younger Minseok would have looked out of. How long had it been? How many years had he stared at the very spot where they sat now? A child being forced to spend his days like a breathing ghosts while his ghost mother lived the stolen life of a human.  
"Shit," he gasped and forced himself to look down. There were withered leaves on the bare earth and he felt Minseok's gaze on him. "Minseok-sshi, why are we even here? What are we doing here of all places?"  
Minseok didn't reply, so he continued, "I mean, what is this? Are you here to test whether I'd be willing to come after everything I've heard? Are you trying to see whether you can trust me? Or if I'm willing to trust you even if you're not sent by the Office? Or is that what you're trying to prove? That you weren't just there because they made you? I mean..." He took a deep breath and glanced to the side to meet Minseok's eyes. Minseok's expression seemed perfectly neutral but by now Chanyeol understood him well enough to know that it was just a mask. A mask that had probably appeared on his face the moment he had realized what he had done to his mother.  
"I mean, why..." he began and then sighed. There was so much he wanted to say. There were thousand of words, like a thunder cloud darkening his mind. What did he even want? Had he only come out of worry? Had any of the issues that had caused him to run away before been resolved? He wasn't sure. There were too many questions for him to answer, and even more he wanted to pose to Minseok.  
"Why do we have to live as the results of what happened to us?" he then asked in barely more than a whisper. A shiver ran down his spine because he had never dared to even think about it before. "Why do I have to live as the result of Baekhyun dying and why do you have to live as the result of your mother wanting to live? Why is that all we ever are? Why can't we just be you and I, two people who happen to have to same annoying ability and who just happen to like each other?"  
As he said it, he wondered whether he had gone a step too far because Minseok averted his gaze. Chanyeol bit his lips and held his breath for a second. He wasn't sure how to continue, because he had never thought about this before. It had always seemed natural for him to try and ruin his life because of Baekhyun. His guilt had trapped him for years and he had never dared to wonder what it would feel like to just try and be happy instead.   
"I'm not..." Minseok began after a long pause and pressed his hands until his knuckles turned white.  
"Not interested?" Chanyeol asked drily and then felt bad when Minseok pulled a grimace. "Not human?" he then asked and Minseok loosened his grip a little while his mouth became a thin line. Chanyeol sighed and looked back up to the building. Then, he finally pulled his sweaty hand out of his pocket and leaned forward to take hold of Minseok's.   
"You're warm and I can touch you," Chanyeol noted as his fingers curled around Minseok's. "That's how I can tell you're not a ghost."  
Minseok didn't say anything and instead stared at their connected hands as if it was a magic trick.  
"You're not a ghost," Chanyeol repeated, this time a little more firmly.   
For a moment they both remained still while the wind rustled the leaves abover their heads. Then Minseok lightly moved his fingers to messily intertwine them with Chanyeol's.  
"And if you ever want to talk about anything that happened in that building, I'm going to listen," Chanyeol continued and felt almost light-hearted. He forgot how little used to it he was. The difference between ghost and human was so painfully obvious to him because he had been cold for years. "And if not, that's cool, too. And I might talk about Baekhyun being a little shit and I hope you don't mind and that you're not trying to get rid off him because I guess he didn't want any of this either. And maybe, if we just get ourselves to think that none of this was really our fault and that nothing will ever change if we mope around, then maybe we won't have to think about trying to save each other because we've already saved ourselves."  
Minseok finally looked at him with furrowed brows, as if he had heard something he found hard to accept. He blinked and for a moment Chanyeol worried that he would pull away, but then the grip on his hand tightened a little, like a silent confirmation.  
"I really do like you," Chanyeol blurted out and Minseok's eyes widened in surprise. But still, he held on, which Chanyeol chose to take as a good sign. Minseok's signals were all hard to read but he slowly gained confidence that he would eventually be able to if he only tried.  
"So, you know, I think this all really started out the wrong way," he grinned while Minseok looked at him curiously. "With all the heavy Office stuff... all those summonings and reports and posessions..." Minseok flinched at the mention of the last word. "And all the people who all have issues on their own and then all the stuff that happened during the last couple of days... I mean, can we just pretend that didn't happen and start afresh? And, I don't know, do something normal? Have dinner? Do you like movies? Or do you need me to help you job-hunting? Because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's to pretend that I do not see ghosts while I do a perfectly average job."  
Minseok again didn't immediately reply and just looked at him with the same solemn expression. But then his lips slightly curled up in a tiny smile and he said, "Dinner is fine."  
And Chanyeol's mind went blank. "Oh, cool," he said and looked around himself as if there was a restaurant in sight. "Cool, cool, cool," he said as he jumped up and then looked down when Minseok still held his hand but remained seated. He now smiled brighter than Chanyeol had ever witnessed him smile before, so he sat down again and stared at him in bewilderment. It was like that one time as a child when he had walked past the school and the supermarket and the playground and the police office for the first time and had found himself in field full of butterflies. This was just like that. Something he had not quite expected.   
He pulled up his free hand just like when he had tried to catch a butterfly, and then stopped it in midair when he realized what he was doing. His fingers were only inches away from Minseok's face. "Do you mind if I...?" he muttered. Minseok blinked but then shook his head. Chanyeol swallowed hard when his fingertips lightly touched Minseok's cheek and for a second he was afraid. He had to think of that one time when he had been drunk and when Minseok had acted weird, because he had not actually been himself. But he was sober now and he could tell that there was no ghost inside. There was nothing but the feeling of warm skin.  
He didn't want to rush anything because rushing had never got him anymore, so he was about to suggest to leave when Minseok furrowed his brows as he dropped his gaze a little and then placed a hand on Chanyeol's chest right below the collarbone. For a moment he thought he was going to push him away, when Minseok tentatively grabbed the fabric of Chanyeol's jacket and pulled him a little closer. Chanyeol instinctively yelped and Minseok let go of him but didn't move away as he looked at him quizzically.  
"I mean, is this okay...?" Chanyeol asked in a low voice as he let his own hand drop. "Last time..." He didn't want to think about the last time.   
Minseok leaned back a little. After a few more seconds of frowning at him, he moved his head to frown at the lawn instead. A voice inside Chanyeol's head began to curse him out. He felt like a child at the end of a school year. Rather than to look forward to what he would gain, he worried about what he could lose. He wasn't even sure what it was he thought that was.  
Then, when he was sure that he had missed another opportunity, Minseok lifted their still intertwined hands and put the back of Chanyeol's against his lips.   
"Hah," Chanyeol let out and felt Minseok smile against his hand.  
"I think it's okay," Minseok then said and nodded as if to confirm it to him as well. "I think it's okay," he repeated as he moved closer again and lightly placed his lips on Chanyeol's.

It could be uncomfortable to talk about sometimes and it did not necessary always help. When Baekhyun had tried to talk, he had sprung something at Chanyeol he had not been able to deal with. There were a lot of things about Baekhyun Chanyeol had found uncomfortable. His parents divorce. Him feeling lost in the world. His feelings for him. It had all been too much. Chanyeol had not wanted to confront it and that was what had killed his best friend, that person who maybe could have been more than just that.  
After that, he had tried to talk to his sister. Talk about his guilt. Talk about how he could be sure that he could hear Baekhyun at night. And what he had done before, had happened to himself. She probably hadn't been sure how to deal with it either and he had made a rash decision in return.  
It all made him scared of what words could do. Words could ruin relationships that were completely fine on the outside.  
So he stopped talking.   
He didn't tell his family why he had tried to kill himself and that the moment had taught him that he wanted to live, he desperately wanted to live.   
He didn't tell them about the ghosts and about how he was constantly being watched.   
Instead he hoped that his actions spoke for themselves. If he showed them that he was fine, they would eventually believe it.

But he was never fine, not really.

It could be uncomfortable to talk, so he never really tried to. Talking couldn't solve everything.  
But now that he had started to talk, he felt a burden lift off his chest he had not realized had been there all this time.  
It had helped to get angry at Baekhyun.  
It had helped to allow his sister to meddle.  
It had helped to confess to Kim Minseok.

Talking was not the solution to everything and it created new problems he wasn't sure he could deal with. He wasn't sure whether he could help Minseok. He wasn't sure whether he could make a change. But it was true that he felt better than he had in those years when he had shut himself in.

He was not completely fine, not really. But who was? Who had no troubles at all?  
The point was that he didn't have to live like a hermit crab in an ocean full of other creatures.

"See, I'm not willing to leave yet, so you have to deal with me following you. And I know you can hear me," Baekhyun said from somewhere behind them while they looked at the menu outside a Chinese restaurant.  
"Or something more fancy? There's an Italian restaurant next door," Chanyeol said and looked down at Minseok.  
"Chinese will do," Minseok said a tad too quickly.  
"His mother stabbed him with a fork so now he's traumatized," Baekhyun noted and Chanyeol instinctively swivelled around to stare at him in horror. A couple passing by stopped in surprise and then glared when he threw them an apologetic smile.  
"What the fuck?!" he muttered and Baekhyun grinned the way he always did when he got his attention in a crowd.  
"I mean, you're probably going to wonder sooner or later why he avoids Western food, so before you think he doesn't like the food itself..." Baekhyun shrugged.  
"Please stop," Minseok said firmly. He still stared at the menu but his eyes didn't move.  
"There's even a scar. Imagine how hard you'd have to stab someone with a regular-ass fork for there to be a scar," Baekhyun said chattily and probably would have continued, had Minseok not quickly turned around. Before Baekhyun could flee, Minseok took hold of his leg and smashed him on the ground.  
"What the?!" Baekhyun exclaimed as he tried to wriggle free. "You can't let him do that!"  
Chanyeol at first only scratched his neck and looked around uncomfortably. To people passing by Minseok probably looked crazy, so he eventually put his hand on his arm to make him stop. "Minseok-sshi, I don't think you should..."  
"I asked you to stop," Minseok said through gritted teeth as he loosened his grip on Baekhyun a little.  
"I mean, why should I not talk about his childhood?" Baekhyun asked Chanyeol and stretched his shape further into his direction. "It's not like this is a one-way street. He has seen all my memories, so he knows everything I know about you, too. He knows that you pissed your pants on that class trip in seventh grade and he knows about all the skanks you hooked up with when-." He stopped in surprise when Minseok abruptly let got off him and turned on his heel to walk inside.  
Chanyeol watched him go with wide eyes. It took a way until the message really sunk in.  
"Are you fucking serious?" he then gasped.  
"Yup," Baekhyun shrugged again. "My memories are still pretty good, so he would have seen everything in HD." To prove his point he moved his fingers to form a frame as if Chanyeol's whole life was not more than a bad film. Baekhyun had constantly been around him during the last ten years. He would have seen most of his lowest points.  
"Shit," Chanyeol said and looked inside to where Minseok took a seat close to the window.  
"Yup," Baekhyun nodded. "So I think we can agree that it's fair if I tell you about that time when he and his best friend were sixteen and were experimenting with-."  
"Okay, but it's not like he wanted to see your memories, right?" Chanyeol interrupted him. "He's not like you. I doubt he really wanted to see them."  
Baekhyun just stared at him for a very long moment and then said, "Yeah. Sure. Whatever you want to believe." There was a hint of a smile that made Chanyeol extremely uncomfortable when he finally walked inside and when he realized that Baekhyun was not following.  
When he sat down at the table across from him, Minseok was busy looking at the laminated menu. Chanyeol wasn't sure whether he imagined it but Minseok seemed to avoid to look at him.  
"Look, they didn't stop for a bathroom break and I told my teacher that I needed to go but then..." Chanyeol finally blurted out and immediately felt stupid when Minseok looked up with what appeared to be a surpressed grin.


End file.
